A Dickensien Christmas

Well, I hate to admit this, but I had a wonderful Christmas.

The family was finally real with each other. The reality is, we're all in tough financial times. And so we had to scale it back this year. We say that every year, but this year was true. We didn't even "do" stockings. All that said, we laughed a lot and had a really good time.

I don't seem to be able to hold onto the sentimental BS that I usually succumb to. I didn't sit and stare at the Christmas tree, the ornaments so full of memory and meaning. I didn't wake early to hide Secret Santa gifts around the living room. I didn't even want to watch It's a Wonderful Life. I don't know why.

But regardless, I talked to my Mom and Dad - really talked. I shared with them the thoughts and feelings I have about life, the Universe and everything. Okay, maybe not everything, but still...

A few days of rest and relaxation really provided some perspective. I'm not exactly sure what I want and how I go about figuring that out, but I do have some clarity. GoodBuddy's visit last night not withstanding...

I need to figure out what I'm going to do for New Years. I have a couple of options: 1) go to yoga and meditation workshop and celebrate the new year with "positive potential" 2) go to party I've been invited to and celebrate the new year in social interaction with people who support the higher Me 3) celebrate the new year the way I have in recent history, with some quiet ME time, reflecting on the past and future, enjoying The Twilight Zone and not having to deal with people. The third option, of course, is probably the one that does me the least amount of good, but is honestly the most appealing....

We'll see.

The Week that Was

Today is Friday and I am officially on vacation for the rest of the year.

This would make any normal person happy but it has made me REALLY happy. Because I have had a very eventful week.

Here are some highlights:

My neighbors had another party. In which the bass was so loud, it vibrated our shared wall and toppled things over. Including my Christmas tree. I now have an irreplaceable headless angel. Just try Googling "Christmas Angel Tree Topper Brown Gold" and see what YOU come up with.

I can tell you that, yes, it is in fact far better to be pissed off than pissed on. Also, that sometimes both happen in one night and THOSE nights suck.

When GoodBuddy wears his orange hooded sweatshirt, I know we're going to have a fight.

And, finally, despite the fact that she is "on vacation," CrazyBossLady is STILL sending emails.

And yet, today, as the snow fell hard and thick on Gloucester and I (of course) walked up to see my ocean and my rock in the wintery splendor, I can't help but feel that all is right with the world. Maybe it's all the yoga I've been doing. Or all of the napping on the comfy couch with the Christmas lights aglow. Maybe it was that beer I had at lunch. (Hell, I'm on vacation and the sun's over the yardarm somewhere.) But I am warm and fuzzy and happy and healthy. And FINALLY in the Christmas spirit.

Cue Dean Martin....

What are the odds?

In June, my colleague faxed in a tradeshow contract to an organization's office. Unfortunately, that organization outsources its tradeshow management through an event agency. The paperwork never, apparently, made it from Point A to Point C.

I realized this today.

I called our contact at the organization and left her a voicemail. It was a 202 (Washington, DC) exchange. The voice on her voicemail had a thick Eastern European accent. Her name was Natalia.

Two minutes later, I received a call from a 202 phone number and the woman on the other end had a thick Eastern European accent and identified herself as Natalia ... Well, I didn't wait. I launched into my tirade.

"I have the paperwork here. We faxed it in. It should have been forwarded to the event agency. Are there still booths? Was our Amex charged? Please explain what's going on!"

It tooke me nearly five full minutes to grasp the fact that this was a DIFFERENT Natalia. A Natalia that, yes, was from Eastern Europe and, yes, she also worked in Dupont Circle, and yes, was involved in higher education conferences, and yes, I had called her and left a voicemail this morning. But NOT a voicemail about pre-existing tradeshow registration since, apparently, they only released their exhibit prospectus yesterdayand this was a different conference event altogether....

OOPS.

But, seriously, what are the odds? Only me. Only today.

Two Things:

One:

If you have both your personal phone and your work Crackberry set to a ringtone by your favorite band AND if your favorite band is all over your iPod AND if your favorite band begins with an A (and thus is always first on your Music library) ... DO NOT throw a hissy fit if you hear a melodious voice filtering out of your purse. It could - maybe - possibly - just be your iPod on Shuffle and NOT your boss calling at inappropriate hours.

Two:

I am OH SO VERY tempted to post a picture on me and Good Buddy at the reunion. Not because I look good. Drunk girl not take so very pretty pictures. But just because I know how worried/paranoid he gets about people reading this here bloggy blog and putting two and two together and figuring out who he is. And I'd love to see his face when he saw the picture. Actually, no, I probably really wouldn't.

Drat. Don't you hate it when you use common sense?

Jittery

A long but mostly uneventful trip to DC. Sure, there was the awkwardness of having BBB and CrazyBoss meet up during dinner. But for the most part nothing untoward was said and, despite the fact he thinks she's kind of cute in a MILF-like way (blechblechblech), I think I survived the week in tact.

This weekend was another story. The entire time I was massively on edge and jittery. I have no idea why. I could feel the tension and anxiety in every part of my body and kept getting body trembling, panicky attacks out of nowhere.

And I have no idea why.

I had a lot of little errandy things on my agenda but nothing hanging overhead that I was worrying about. Nothing looming on the horizon for the workweek that I was worried about. So why the jitters?

I kept thinking there was something going on energetically. I often have a touch of the premonition. But friends are in top form, GoodBuddy was in a good mood and the family, except for some headcoldsnifflies, seem fine.

I went for a long walk around the island. (It was COLD last night!!!) and that seemed to help. Hearing the ocean waves crash and smelling the briney air whip against my face did a lot to give me some perspective.

Today I'm feeling a little better but definitely still a bit on edge. I really need to figure out what's going on. Because this is getting really old, really fast....

Expectations

And here's a new question:

Been a hellacouple days. Seriously - 14 hours each yesterday and today. I haven't had a minute nor the energy to work out. I'm still recovering DOOD.

Tomorrow, I get up and fly out to DC for another business trip. Boss wants to hang, of course. Here's my query:

I know I have to spend time meeting with her. It's a business trip, after all.

But there are some amazing Anusara yoga studios in the greater area and, technically, the classes they offer are after business hours. So, what's the policy here?

Is it cool to say I'm on the clock from 8 am (when the show opens) until 5 (an hour after the show closes) and then I'm on my own? Is it kosher to jet off to a yoga class at 6:30 or 7pm during a business trip? What's the policy here? I honestly don't know... Especially when CrazyBossLady want to be my friend...

I better figure this out soon. Leave for the airport at 8 am...

Data Overload

WOW.

That's all I have to say.

WOW.

What a long, strange trip it was. All things considered - and I know this will disappoint so very many of you - it was a pretty decent, incident-free trip. But STRANGE.

Thanksgiving was fun. My uncle's girlfriend accompanied him to dinner which, somehow, made him relax. So he was less of an ass and more of a playful, happy guy. Lots of fun. My best friend and her amazing daughter came and we had a great time giggling hysterically, as is our wont. There was only a minor tense moment with the Mother Figure but I dealt with that fairly effectively, if I say so myself.

The really only tense time came when GoodBuddy got lost on the way to NJ. I know - I should have expected this. From the first time we met back up over a year ago, he's been hopeless with directions. I blame the sloppies. But, he made it to the hotel, safe and sound. And then, miraculously, he made it to my parents' house in time to say hello.

"Well, if that wasn't as fucking awkward as all hell."

Well, yea, it kinda was. But here's the reality. He's been there more for me in the past few years than my family has. So if it comes down to spending time with him over time with them, guess where my heart lies. Plus, he's good in bed and lets me swear.

So, the weekend was wierd. We didn't do Kids' Day. For the first time in a hundred years. And this caused Mom some serious weeping. But it was for the best, truly. Why should we walk around a mall, not buying anything, just for the sake of it, when we know she can barely walk?

I spent most of the time at the hotel with GoodBuddy. He was pretty relaxed during the entire weekend and, well, I hated the thought of him spending time alone. We had a great time at the reunion and he was attentive as all hell. Which, of course, only made me love him more. We did have some tense moments wondering what the hell we were doing but, well, the drugs and booze tended to mitigate the anxiety. (I kid!)

All things considered, here's the amazing thing. We're still talking. After something like 10 plus hours in the car together on the way home - and this was no easy ride by any stretch of the imagination - we're still communicating. For someone who once believed that she needed to marry a guy in order to make him put up with me, that's pretty huge. More than halfway through the drive, GoodBuddy looked over and said, "well, it's more than five hours into this marathon roadtrip together. Your thoughts?" I responded: "I should probably ask you that question." And his response? "Two thumbs up and room to spare."

Wow. Holy hell. No, seriously. WOW.

Pictures will follow as soon as they're posted and ready...

Meme

I have been tagged by Livia Agusta with the below meme. I don't usually indulge in these things, but, heck, I'm bored, I'm on a train and I'm avoiding work. So here goes!

Here are the rules:1. Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 facts about yourself, some random, some weird.
3 Tag someone at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs.

Seven things about you:

1. I have been a vegetarian for more than half of my life. I do not honestly know why I gave up eating meat but I do know I don't miss it one bit.

2. If I ever did go back to eating meat, I'd have a McDonalds chicken sandwich.

3. My first car was named Cecilia after the Simon and Garfunkle song. I wrote a lot of poetry about my car in college - so much so that my professor bought me an anthology entitled Drive They Said in which another professor was published.

4. I was a cheerleader in High School for a squad that competed in the National Championships down in Orlando, FL. I wasn't actually friends with any of the girls on the squad, though.

5. I took the virginity of one of my high school boyfriends with whom I share a birthday. He is now a happily out and proud homosexual in NYC.

6. I don't have children, I don't want children, I don't like children.

7. I listen to Wait! Wait! Don't Tell Me! (the NPR news quiz coming to you live from the Chase Auditorium in beautiful Downtown Chicago...) religiously.

I’m tagging: Sapphire Dakini

Romy and Michelle

It's hard to believe it's Thanksgiving time already. This year has been an absolute blur. In truly cliched fashion, this year has flown right by. I can't believe how much has changed in my life...

And, to prove just how much things have changed, I've decided to go to my high school reunion. Ack.

Yes, I will don pantyhose and makeup and even high-heeled shoes in exactly five nights and I will venture forth to see again people I have not seen for 15 years. I have no idea why I am compelled to do this - I don't think there's enough therapy in the world for that. But, going I am.

Perhaps most shocking is that I'm not going alone. GoodBuddy will be accompanying me.

This, of course, means that he will have to meet my family. And, perhaps worse, means that my family will have to meet him.

And all of this means that this here bloggy blog will be rife with stories of the hilarity (and painful) forthcoming. Stay tuned.

There might even be pictures....

Plusses and Minuses

So, today, I was supposed to work at the office. I've been taking advantage of the fact that no one on my team works in Boston by working from home when I wasn't actually, officially working from home. Haven't visited my cube in days.

Today, I was actually and legitimately planning on heading into the office. I had boxes to unpack and boxes to pack. And, all that aside, I'm out of town for the lion's share of the next two months.

So, I get to the train station, 8 minutes to spare, and check my Blackberry, ala Crackberry.

"NOTICE: 501 BOYLSTON STREEt IS CLOSED FOR A POWER OUTAGE."

Now, I am sure am thankful that I found out before I took the ride in. And it sure was nice to spend the day at home with the kitties before massive time of away. And, of course, it was nice to get my laundry and packing done before this weekend of "WTF!ness"

At the same time, a little pissed that I 1) got up at the ass crack of dawn 2) wasted a perfectly good leg shave. Ah well, guess I have to be a girly girl sooner or later. After all, I did get a brow wax on Saturday....

One Drawback to Going Green

The trunk of my car is filled with fabric bags for shopping trips. I am usually pretty pleased with myself on this front. I am, after all, a self-proclaimed tree hugger.

I found one teeny tiny little drawback to it today, though.

Kitty Litter.

Specifically, dirty kitty litter that desperately needs to be thrown out so that you can finally get around to scrubbing the litter pan which you've been putting off for way to long because, well, it's a dirty litter pan.

You kinda sorta really can't throw wet, gross kitty litter into a paper bag. Not if you don't want it to wind up spilling all over your just washed kitchen floors....

Oops.

Virginia is for lovers...

Just back from yet another business trip. So much for "10% travel" in the job description ...

And, while I still really don't like travelling ... (no, it's not exotic. The highway from airport to hotel looks pretty much the same no matter what city you're in... and a hotel ballroom is a hotel ballroom is a hotel ballroom...) I do have to say, this trip was at least moderately more tolerable.

BBB met me at the airport in his Kalesy-funded Zipcar and chauferred me to my hotel. It was so great to see him. The last time was when I busted up with Mr. Zips and - well, let's just say this time was MUCH more enjoyable. I'd forgotten how easy it is to be myself around him.

A pretty successful two-day meeting by all accounts. Our biz president (Hello, Mr. Anderson) is a tough cookie and thinks outside of the box. Which is good. But also slightly scary in this economy...

And then, landed at Boston Logan at 9 pm after a very long day. And was greeted by GoodBuddy. A full night ensued - way too late! - of talking and ... stuff.

Pretty amazing that I was in two airports in two states and picked up by friends in both. I may be lonely sometimes, but I truly do have people who take good, good care of me.

And now..

For something completely different. This is a bit old, but it really REALLY makes me happy. So, all you gothgeeks and boycrazygirls out there, enjoy.

Reclaiming My Life

Well, I've been a bit busy lately. You might have noticed. I've kind of been burning the proverbial candle at both ends, trying to get all my actual work done AND finish a big project for the Taproot Foundation and Community Servings. (Wanna buy a Thanksgiving pie? Ask me how!)

And I've been feeling a tad - shall we say - resentful about all of the demands on my time. The Blackberry buzzing itself off the table, onto the floor, across the floor and under the table. But tonight I managed to take some time for myself. And I feel so much better for it.

I took a pilates class at my gym and then ran 2.5 miles (mostly to burn off the 3 cups o coffee I drank at the Pleasant St. Tea Company this afternoon. Mmmm coffee.) Then I went out to a wonderful dinner with a former co-worker. And, although I heard my Blackberry buzzing yet again, I refused to even look at it. "I'm quite sure it's after 5 o'clock."

Sitting over a margarita and warm bread, catching up after several long months, I realized that - despite how crazed I've been the last few weeks with travel and ToDo's - I'm really quite happy. If I can take a much-needed step back and look at my life wholistically, things really don't suck. I'm wicked good at my job and poised to move on up. I have a solid yoga practice that keeps me sane and grounded. I have friends - really good friends - who (although they may not all be close enough for a regular coffee date) love me for who I truly am, even though they actually know who I really am. I live on the edge of heaven. And, of course, I have the kitties.

So, all in all, tonight was a great night. It also didn't suck that my former co-worker didn't stop complimenting me the whole evening. (And, thank you for saying so, MyMan, but I do weight slightly more than 90 lbs...) But mostly, the time spent reminiscing and catching up gave me the perspective to truly realize that I am truly a more satisfied Kalesy than I was a year ago.

I guess Thanksgiving came a little early...

It's Been a Relatively Good Week, So Why...

am I so mad at myself?

Well, I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that it's 11:30 on a Friday night and I just finished emailing responses to the twenty-nine (yes, folks, 29!) emails my boss sent me.

Why did I respond, you ask?

Well, despite much discussion in therapy, I find I sleep much better if I respond. Because, although it should be self-evident by now, I pretty much have all the answers to the emails right at my fingertips. Or, if you will, right at the top of my brain. It's just that CrazyBoss doesn't trust me. So she gets into her tizzies and emailsemailsemails to make sure I've taken care of/thought of everything. WHICH I HAVE.

I did finally send her an email tonight which may or may not prove to be a confrontational thing. She emailed me and asked for my weekly update, which I'd sent her. I replied thusly:

"I thought I sent it to you this afternoon. I can resend when I get home tonight. I'll reply to your other mails on Mon. It's 8:30 here and Friday everywhere (smile!)"

Not sure how that will be received but I"m hoping in the spirit it was intended.

You see - I had a LONG week. Three days in Boston, hosting our Global Team meeting. Then whoosh! off on a plane to Portland for a very long, very boring tradeshow. Sure, I got a little downtime in a great city. I actually made some friends and had some good times. But I was still far far away from home and kitties. And then, I get back and, although I worked from home, had no actual time off to completely decompress. I feel like I'm owed some freakin' R&R!

So, yeah, that email might have been a bit injudicious. But there has to be some balance, right? And I just drafted 14 emails for sending as soon as I log in the next time, so that has to count for something....

Thus, despite having a moderately decent week and being fairly well rested, well yogafied and well worked out, I'm still mad at myself. Because instead of sitting on my couch, watching a movie and being covered in kitties, I'm obsessing about work and CrazyBoss.

Guess therapy still has some work to do...

Gratitude

Sometimes I forget how important it is to be grateful. For the big things and the little things. I get wrapped up in my own little and big miseries - crazy boss, crowded train, family troubles, broken heart - and I forget how good, in essence, it all is.

From now on, I'll try to remember this story:

This weekend's John Friend Anusara yoga retreat was AMAZING. I was a bit uncertain what to expect as I'd never taken any of John's classes before. As the founder of Anusara yoga and primary teacher to many of my teachers, well, he's kind of attained a mythic aura. What would class with him be like?

The answer: HARD.

Okay, correction: challenging. Tough. Stimulating. Invigorating. Did I mention challenging?

Day one, morning session, we did SEVEN urdvha dhanurasanas in basic and variations. We did arm balances, leg balances, backbends, (more backbends), twists, forward bends, more backbends, more twists, hip openers, more forward bends, more backbends, more hip openers, and more twists.

By Sunday morning I was a bowl of spaghetti.

Of course, interspersed with all of this was meditation and philosophy lecture. Which, believe it or not, is actually easier to listen to when you're panting on the ground after holding vasisthasana.

Sunday morning, John led us into a series of intense hip openers. Partway through the class, we began a Hanumanasa series. Usually, I find this pose fairly easy, as I have very open hips. But after four rounds, holding each pose significantly longer ... OUCH.

During the final round, as we were holding the pose and there were quiet mutters and murmers and gasps throughout the class, John asked one of the visitors to tell us a story of Hanuman, the Monkey God. "You can come out of the pose when it's finished."

As if on cue, someone piped up, "Then make it a SHORT one, please!!!"

The visitor, a Vedantic scholar, took a deep breath, looked around and, with a smile, said merely, "Jai Hanuman!" (Praise Hanuman!)

In thanks, we all started laughing and clapping. WHILE WE WERE IN THE POSE.

We were all so grateful that relief was at hand that we took the time to show our thanks - through laughter and applause. Instead of rushing into comfort, we acknowledged our gratitude even in the midst of discomfort.

And then, of course, we all groaned and collapsed to our sides, shaking our heads and grinning like foolish monkeys ourselves.

Respect for the FIRST TIME In Her Life

Another pause for a brief moment of funny, because I am sure that I will be all sortsa deep and meaningful after the upcoming weekend studying yoga with John Friend!... This has been making the rounds of the Intertubes and I find it very funny:

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

Read More

Of course, I can't help but wax reminiscent of Eddie's early take on this one:



N ow, that's one saved fuckin' Queen.

Take a Step Forward, No I'm Sorry, Take a Step Back, Then a Step Forward...

And then we're Cha-Cha-Ing.

Life for me has been one really big Cha Cha lately.

When you're seriously (and I mean SERIOUSLY) sleep deprived, it does not feel like a good kind of Cha-Cha, fun and kinda sexy. No, it feels like you're flailing around, three steps back, half a step forward and then teetering on the edge of the floor as the gymnasium pool opens up below your feet. (And if you don't get that movie reference, shame on you!)

But, when you're doing okay, sleepwise, everything else seems to fall into place. And the music is upbeat and you can kind of laugh even as you realize you look a little silly.

This week, CrazyBossLady has been just that. I think it's reached heights of hilarity when I'm witness to such a hysterical temper tantrum (and, heck, I used to throw em, I know what they look like!) that her UK counterpoint hung up on her. Awkward much? I spent an hour on the phone with her today listening to her talk herself into and out of various modus operandi, uttering little more than, "yeah. uh huh. um, sure."

And not once did my knickers get in a knot, did my heart rate soar or did I even suffer the mildest symptoms of my good friend anxiety attack.

I honestly don't know why. Maybe it's because I have my John Friend retreat coming up and I have made it abundantly clear that, no matter what happens, I will NOT be working this weekend. Maybe it's because I'm reading wonderful meditations on the Buddha Tara. Maybe it's because I broke down and got meself a prescription for Ambien. (Heck, maybe I'm carbo loading in my sleep due to sleep eating...) Maybe it's because the moon isn't so unbelievably full this week. Dunno.

Whatever the reason, I'm glad that so far this week has been a relatively enjoyable Cha Cha. Of course, tomorrow is Wednesday. Happy Wednesday...

Step Away from the Wall

For some reasons, Wednesdays have been tough on me. I don't know if its because that's when my body stops being able to "muscle through" the exhaustion after a Sunday night insomnia attack or because 72 hours of being micromanaged is my tipping point, or what. But on most recent Wednesdays I have become slightly emotionally unwrapped.

This week was REALLY bad.

A $500 car bill didn't help. Note to small rodents everywhere: I know it's cold. But please do not attempt to warm yourself up by crawling into my car's engine. Bad things happen. Bad smells ensue. Seriously.

On top of the car debaucle, I started off the day managing a temper tantrum from my boss while on the Commuter Rail. She was shouting so loud the other passengers could her. Not at me, just to me. But that puts me in a very awkward situation. Why do I always get the bosses who don't know how to control their emotions? "Let's use our big people feelings words, now, okay?"


Of course, I should talk. By the time Good Buddy picked me up (hours and hours late, may I add) I was an emotional wreck. If I were him, I would NOT want to spend any more time with me.

So, yesterday, as it was Work From Home day, I decided to spend some time pulling myself together. I went for walks. I sat and watched the surf roll in in the mist. I went to yoga. And - I know you'll be shocked! - I got another lesson I needed to hear.

The instructor told us we were going to do inversions earlier in the class, rather than later, so that we wouldn't be tired. "I want some of you to move away from the wall and try it in the center today." In yoga, when you're working up to holding a handstand or headstand, you start against the wall. It's less scary, MUCH easier to balance and you can use the wall for support instead of arm/shoulder/back strength. But, as the instructor pointed out, if you've been leaning on the wall for 6 months, you're probably not progressing at all.


Somehow, I feel like I need to have this discussion with the new boss. In this role, I feel like I've gotten a good handle on who we are, what we do and what we need to do to be successful. But BossLady is constantly asking for updates, reminders, status notes, ad infinitum. I just want to shout at her - "I've got it under control." She's so completely unable to let go that, finally, I've just let her take over. I let her do it because it's easier than fighting for my own independance.

But, if I keep leaning against the wall, I'm probably not making any progress.

So, somehow, subtly and tactfully, I am going to have to figure out how I can successfully move away from the wall. And I have to find a way to make her comfortable with that too.

It will be interesting.

But, hopefully (please please please) it will result in a happier, more confident, more together, much LESS unravelled Kalesy. Wednesday and everyday.

A Much Needed Humor Break

It's a little long, the quality is poor, but damn! this is funny....

Exhaustion

I have no real excuse for not posting for awhile except ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

I've been really, freakin tired.

I don't know if it's a matter of coming down from the week after the week in Seattle, if I've been fighting something or if my body is just tired of waking up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts and a pounding chest. Yea, stress'll kill you.

But last night it was so warm out and the air smelled so deliciously of autumn that I just had to walk up to Niles Beach for the sunset. I'm so glad I did.

That picture doesn't do it any justice, since it was taken with a camera phone, but the light, the waves, the sky, it was all so beautiful.

I returned home full of peace and managed to hold onto it for most of the night.

And then ....

When I woke up I had no emails from the boss. Not one. Not a single email from CrazyBoss Lady. And this scared me.

So now, the thing I have been praying for has come to pass and now I am nervous.

Really, what the hell is wrong with me?

Pause

I have a lot of ranting still to do. Clearly I am not completely at peace with all the BS going on at work. Which is evidenced not in the least by my tearful phonecall w/ TiaMarie while in the taxi on the way home from the airport tonight.

But I'll sleep on all the ranting. No good will likely come of it anyway. And I aspire to be unlike my boss and delay forced gratification.

So, instead, I will post pictures of Seattle. It is a beautiful city filledwith beautiful people. The light rivals that of Gloucester. But one thing they far surpass us on is the small details. (I've always said the devil is in the details.) Go for a walk in Seattle and notice the brass or copper carvings inlaid along the sidewalk. The artistry on the directional signs. The sculptures and fountains along the paths along the water.

If Gloucester could ever even moderately imitate some of the scenic touches Seattle has incorporated, we'd be that much better off. Of course, I realize this doesn't all come for free. Maybe Gloucester can start lobbying tradeshow organizations..........

Losers Club Goes toa Sculpture Park

So, a little background is necessary to understand how F*cked Up this story is:

I've been going to tradeshows for many, many years. It's just part of the deal when you're in marketing. I have made many friends, had many lovers, and drank many bourbons, all at tradeshows. Most of my tenure at these events has not involved healthy activity. It's often involved booze, it's occasionally involved "romantic" liasons and very seldom involved getting extra work done or going to bed early to wake refreshed and vibrant for the day ahead.

This week has been different. I've been getting up early to do my morning yoga and get a workout in. To accomodate my 4:45 alarm, I've been going to bed pretty darn early. I have had no more than a single glass of wine with dinner. And instead of picking up random people at hotel bars, I've been joining my colleagues for banal banter over over-priced meals.

So, tonight, a Friday I might add, I decided I wanted the night to myself. I was pretty tired and pretty stressed out and I needed a little time to relax and unwind. Did I want to spend my Friday covorting in drunken debauchery? Did I want to put on my dancin' outfit and hit the clubs? Did I envision waking up tomorrow morning barely remembering the night before? No. I wanted to go to a sculpture park. Honestly, I just wanted to go for a quiet walk in the Seattle Center, enjoy the night air and maybe get a little Thai food. I know, living on the edge.

I should have just told the boss lady this. I should have been honest. But instead, I told her I was going back to my room and retiring early.

Which is why it was kind of hard to tell her, when she called about 45 minutes later, that I was two miles away and not anywhere near the hotel to let her into my room.

You see, she'd picked me up "a little something" and wanted to drop it off. It's the nicest, sweetest thing ever. And yet, it's also a total and complete invasion of my "Me Time." But that won't ever cross her mind. What will cross her mind is that I lied and she caught me in it.

Of course, what sucks the most is that I couldn't enjoy my walk nor my hastily wolfed-down dinner. Because I had to rush back to the hotel and run interference. Which I did (moderately successfully I might add).

So I got no down time to enjoy myself. And I got even more emotionally worked up than I'd been before. (And don't even get me started on Prima Donna Director and his merry antics or I'll NEVER stop ranting). And tomorrow I have to wake up bright and early and play Company Girl again.

I'm going to have to find a way to set some boundaries or parameters. I just don't know how to. How do you tell your job that you want to see other people?

Let's Be Bestest Buddies Pals Friends

I know I need to post an actual, real-type, post, but I'm damn exhausted.

I'm in Seattle on a team meeting/tradeshow. Have been here since Monday. Awoke 4:45 am EST Monday and thus it began. Not getting home until 7:45 pm EST Sunday. We're eating almost every meal together. We're stuffing five of us in a 10x10 booth space. We're becoming the tightest-knit of teams.

I'm ready to gag.

Not to mention that there's a million and five other things that need to be done and - frankly - I'm just too fried, mentally, to do them by the time night rolls around. Which is why I'm in bed, watching Supernatural and posting to my blog and not WORKING.

Now, don't get me wrong. I still love the new jobby job. But this pace is really running me down. Add to that the fact that next week is going to be just as hectic (if not even more so, in other ways, of course) and you have one very grumpy, Kalesy.

I'm trying to keep it in perspective by doing lots of yoga (here!), enjoying the city and consuming lots of coffee (Oh! the COFFEE!). But I'm going to have to find a way right quick and soon to get some serious relaxation on.

In the meantime, tomorrow I'll try to post the picture of me with the amazingly hot guy who's a "fish thrower" down at Pike Place Market. That place is amazing! If I didn't love Gloucester quite so much, I just might consider moving to a different fish city....

Read This Blog

My former roommate has started a blog. This woman is one of the most well-read, highly-educated, humorous, snappy, sharp, and basically amazing people I have ever met. Plus, she has this amazing collection of Jesus paraphernalia....

She has started a blog and shames me with how topical and spot-on her commentary is. I would love to be so educated. Alas, I post about train debacles and the fact that I'm having an on-again off-again with a scuba diver who should have died eight years ago (when he promised to).

But at least I have educated friends. Maybe some of their smarts will rub off on me.

Read this blog: http://liviaaugusta.wordpress.com/

Bridge to Nowhere

I feel the need to share - John McCain stayed in the same Hilton I was shacked up in while in NYC. I got to see him whizz by in his motorcade while thousands of our tax dollars at work stood by and maintained "crowd control."

As his car came down the street, his white hair gleaming as he benevolently waved and smiled to his adoring fans, I blew him a raspberry.

I couldn't help it. It was an involuntary response to authority.

By the chants of "OBAMA! OBAMA!" I wasn't the only one.

Losers' Club Takes a Train Ride - the Sequel

So, what's better than being on an Amtrak train with your crazy boss for five hours on a Friday night?

How about, getting stuck on that train for an extra three hours because the train in front of yours on the tracks has passengers that are rioting.

Seriously.

Apparently, the commuter rail riders Friday night got fed up with their train breaking down and stopping. So they got off the train. In the middle of the track. And just, you know, decided to walk to the station instead.

Our train was stopped in the name of safety until they could round up all the nouveau pedestrians.

And all the while, my boss was TapTapTap on her latop.

I probably should have continued to work in kind but - honestly - I'd had enough. It was 8 p.m. on Friday and I'd been with her every moment except for the five I was sleeping, for two days. I was DONE.

From now on, I'm going to warn everyone when I get onto a train. Warning: Riding a train with Kalesy will result in delayed arrivals. And insanity ensues.

Seriously

Why is it that when my life comes together, everyone else I know falls apart?

To my friends: Ya'all need to get into therapy. Intense, serious therapy.

Seriously.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled lives.

Never a Dull Moment

Apologies for the lack of postage. I have been exhausted. Getting up before the sun to get a workout in and so very much to do at the new job that I've been staying late. And the later I stay, the harder it is to catch a train home.

Didn't help that last night - while suffering through a bout of Sunday night insomnia - my neighbors decided they were going to have a raging beer party. So raging, in fact, that I actually got up, put on a robe, and went over to ask them to turn down the music. Oh yea, did I mention they're both dads in their 40's?

So, of course I was exhausted today. And completely unprepared to deal with the fact that one of the Directors - the one I really liked when I was interviewing - is resigning. I can't fault her at all - she's leaving to take care of her parents who are older and in declining health. But it definitely means more uncertainty and instability in the department.

And - with uncertainty comes manic boss mania.

Actually, to give her her due, today she was pretty together. But I can't wait to see what the end of the week holds.

It's not lost on me, by the way, that this week is September 11, the anniversary of my split with Mr. Zips and - OH YEAH - I'll be in NYC on business. Irony, much, oh ye Universe?

I'm sure additional stories will ensue. After all, we've got a train ride down together and a train ride back together. Because we're cousins, identical cousins and you'll find....

Panic

Last night, I had dinner with my team from the Taproot Foundation, a nonprofit I'm working with. Many of us are in various stages of experiencing or recovering from major life issues, so the conversation was lively. Thus, I missed the 8 p.m. train. Which meant I had to take the 9:30. Which resulted in me finally putting head to pillows around 11:30 pm.

So you can imagine how pleasant a person I was when the alarm went off at 4:57 a.m.

Imagine the surprise, panic and concern that arose when I staggered downstairs to find a text message from Good Buddy.

"This is stupid, but if you're up before 8 I need wakeup call. Seriously."

Now, if you know of GoodBuddy, you know he's not one to (ahem) shall we say, live an ascetic lifestyle. He's kinda prone to excess.

So my (albeit overly tired) writer's imagination was running wild. What kind of mess had he got himself into that he was going to need me to wake him up? In what state could he have gone to bed that he couldn't rely on his own faculties? Would I have to call the paramedics? The police? The morgue?

Turns out he couldn't find his alarm clock.

Could he not have mentioned that wee little fact in his text?

I need more coffee.

Losers' Club Takes a Train Ride

So, Sunday night, I did the 'ole tossing and turning thing. I'm not exactly sure why - I never am. It's always the nights I think I'm gonna sleep like a log that I wind up Wide Awake Wilson.

Despite getting a grand total of about three hours' rest, when the alarm went off at 5 a.m., I groaned my body out of bed and put on my sneakers. I'd wanted to go for a long walk along by beautiful back shore the night before but hadn't gotten around to it. So, I decided I'd do the 5-miles as my morning jog. And you know me, once I set my mind to something...

Of course, as the day wore on, my eyes got heavier and heavier, my brain foggier and foggier. By quittin' time, I felt like I had cotton between my ears. But, alas, I had my iPod on hand - with lots of uplifting and bouncy tunes, so I knew I'd survive the trip home.

I made it onto the subway, off the subway, into the train station. I grabbed a bottle of water, located the track my train was on and boarded the train. I leaned my head against the cool glass of the window, closed my eyes and let Krishha Das lull me to sleep. Almost to sleep anyway.

About 30 minutes into the trip, I thought I heard the conductor say, "Next stop, Wyoming." Wyoming? Wow, I must be having a CRAZY dream. I'm not in Wyoming.

But I was.

You see, Wyoming is a stop on the Haverhill line. The HAVERHILL train line. Which heads WEST. Not North, which is where the GLOUCESTER line heads. Look at a map. Put your finger on Boston. Now draw a really wide V. That's the distance between where I got off the train and where my car/home was.

Well, it cost me $120 for the taxi. And it took me an extra 45 minutes. But I got home safe and sound. And by nine o'clock, I was passed out cold in my very own bed.

Tonight, I asked not one, but TWO, train attendants if the train was the Rockport/Gloucester line. And then I asked the woman sitting next to me. She probably thought I was crazy. I really don't care.

So, THAT's what they mean by CRAZY

My new boss is insane. Now, don't get me wrong, she's a wicked nice human being. She's sweet, kind, smart and she's pretty funny to boot. But she's CAH RAY ZEE.

Thursday morning, I had a beautiful commute. I hopped on the 8:02 express train, settled in and a short 57 minutes later I was walking into my office. One look at my watch showed 9:00. Ding ding ding. I powered on my computer, set my bag down, picked up my phone to quickly place an order for flowers for my parents' anniversary. In comes bosslady (moniker TBD), all a flutter.

"You have a nine o'clock!"

"I didn't have one on my calendar. I'm pretty sure I only have an 11 today."

"A reminder for a nine o'clock came up on my calendar!"

I look at her. "Well, I don't know who I'm supposed to be meeting with. I don't think I have one until Joseph at 11. I checked." To the phone. "I'm sorry I'll have to call you back."

At this point, she's rushed out of my office, across the hall, to her office. She's frantically checking her email. I stick my head into her office. "Do you know who it's supposed to be with? I really don't have anything on my planner or my Outlook calendar...."

She looks up sheepishly. "I guess I never dismissed the reminder for your meeting yesterday at nine with Mark. Sorry."

Yea, um, sure. Tell that to my racing heart and pounding adrenaline.

So, yea. She's kind of high strung. I've had IT guys, facilities folk and finance peeps all wishing me good luck. And they don't even really know her either.

I realize (from years of therapy, yoga, self-help books and good ole-fashioned insight) that a lot of her erratic behavior comes from insecurity and the overt need for approval. But still! It's gonna take a lot for me to maintain my composer in the light of her high-strung, nervous energy.

Of course, since I got a lot of sleep last night and I did a lot of yoga today, I can make the statement that I can deal with her behavior rationally and respond not react and use it all as fodder for my great novel. But the reality is more likely that she's gonna drive me bonkers.

Stay tuned, dear readers. This might just get interesting...

Perspectives

When the alarm went off at 4:50 this morning, I didn't wake up with a start or a shout or a nervous butterfly atwittering in my tummy. What in heavens does that portend?

Of course I was a wee bit hesitant about starting the new job. But for some reason I have felt so calm, so certain, so focused that I just truly know it will all be okay. So when the folks at my gym - who have been following the saga - told me they just knew it would work out, I could only agree with them heartily.

Sure, there are a few quirks. My boss seems a bit too eager to share "the inside scoop" on some co-workers with me. And, as a fellow Jersey girl, she's a bit too keen on Janet Evanovich for my comfort and liking. Still, she seems to possess a good mix of responsibility and perspective. Which is refreshing.

The commute wasn't ideal for day one but, then again, perhaps it was my fault for taking the "long way home" and walking from Copley Plaza to Government Center to get on the Green Line. (But it was so nice out!). And it's funny, now that I'll be going into the city everyday how much I realize I let the distance put me off from travelling there for the last nine months. I'm even goin to be crossing the bridge again on Saturday to hang with Tia Marie. Go me breaking out of my comfort zone.

But what is really causing me to take some pause tonight at my newfound perspectives is (are?) my friends. I bemoan the fact a lot that I have a limited social life. Many of my nights (prior to last week and change anyway) are spent quietly in my wonderful home or strolling the beach in the moonlight. Alone. And yet, I cannot tell you how many wonderful messages I got last night and this morning. Best wishes and positive thoughts and the occasional inside joke (chirp chirp). Each and every one making me smile that much wider, making me feel that much more confident. These people may not be folks I can meet out for lunch or a cup of coffee because of time or space but they are people I am truly and deeply grateful I have found in my life.

So, for all ya'all, I say "thanks for putting up with me this summer. It's been pretty hellish. But I promise - cross my heart and hope to reincarnate - I've gained some serious perspective."

On Being Type A

From what I can tell, being a "Type A Person" means that you are slightly anal-retentive (yes, it has a hyphen, har har), prone to develop and stick to schedules, and dislike interruptions to routine and threats to your own personal authority.

Which means - sort of by definition - that vacations are kind of a difficult adjustment. Isn't that weird - the thought that vacations are tough?

Yet, here I am, officially more than halfway through my last week of "vacation." And I'm stressed about all the shit I haven't gotten done.

I had all sorts of plans to get things done this week. But then a crazy thing happened. I became spontaneous. I stayed out until the wee hours of the morning on Saturday/Sunday. I went out to dinner last night which turned into very late-night drinks. Today I spent the day - the WHOLE day - with a good friend.

And while I appreciate and value how much fun and enjoyment I had during these and other spontaneous acts. I am also kinda, sorta, in a way, resenting how little time this has left me for my "regular" activities. I blew off the gym today. I have much fresh fruit and veg that is going to rot because I haven't had a chance to prep/cook it. There are SO MANY emails to send I can't even count. And I'm not even mentioning the stuff I wanted to look at/prep up on before the new gig starts on Monday.

I realize this is making me sound like a huge stick in the mud and really not much fun. But, on the other hand, is it really so awful to know in your heart and mind the things that work for you and the things that don't?

Of course, all of this is known through the lens that I will, for all intents and purposes, be losing my ENTIRE Friday and quite possibly Saturday because I am FINALLY going sailing with Good Buddy. I've only waited the whole summer. But, yes, I fully realize how little in the way of productive tasks will get done before/during/after said sailing trip. And, yes, there is a part of me that is begruding missing Group Power on Friday Evening. But that part is small. Really small. Because, after all this time, if I've learned anything, it's that I should treasure and cherish my time spent with Good Buddy. After all....

If only I could learn to put the rest of my life into such perspective.

Like a Gazelle

More from the ever-so-graceful one.

This commercial came on the TV while I was running on the treadmill today. At least, I was running ont the treadmill until the commercial came on and I got so dizzy I almost fell off.

Seriously, this commercial should have a warning label on it. "May lead to feelings of nausea. Seatbelts should be worn low and tight across your lap. Keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times."

Losers' Club Goes to the Beach

Went to the beach (again!) today. In order to not get sunburned before tomorrow's meetings/interviews, I was very careful in the application of the suntan lotion.

And then I went on into the water. The waves were a little choppy but no biggie for an experienced swimmer like me.

Unless, of course, I'm standing near a kid playing on a boogie board with apparently very slippery hands. And a wave comes. And knocks the boogie board out of his hands. Out of his hands and into my face. Right across my nose.

Huge gash. Should look really attractive tomorrow in my interview.

No sunburn though. Go me.

Gross

My little Eliza just caught and ate a fly. Doesn't she look so proud of herself?

Of course, this means there will be kitty pukage at some point tonight.

FUN.

Random Hilarity

Taking a break from the real world tonight after a very enjoyable day in the city with Tia Marie. Watching Charlie Bartlett which is proving to be quite enjoyable in its own right. And even funnier, I hit the Pause button to take a phonecall and I came back to see this:

Boy oh boy, I just love me some Robert Downey Jr.

The WhirlWind of Being 33

Wow - my 33 year on this planet has been pretty eventful. Already. And it's only Day 2.

Yesterday, at 5:02 p.m. I received THE CALL. And, I am unbelievably, ridiculously, supercalifragilisticexpialidociously thrilled to say I GOT THE JOB.

I won't get into all the hairy details, but the sweet girl from HR who called is sooooo quiet, demure and apologetic that I thought for sure it was a No Go. But then she said the magic words: pleased, offer and excited. Those are good words. Really positive words. Make Kalesy happy.

The joy somewhat mitigated the frustration I'd felt over having to serve boiled lobsters and fish chowder all afternoon. (Without tips, may I add, since I'm officially training. But that's a whole other post completely...)

So, yea, it's been kind of an emotional whirlwind of a few days. And I really need some downtime. To integrate and assimilate all this new information.

And, of course, to deal with the emotional hangover that is bound to be the byproduct of the last few months.

In a way, I wish I'd posted more about the entire situation. But then, I kept thinking, who wants to read a bunch of junk that basically says, "I'm scared. Wicked terrified. Kind of hopeful. But mostly scared." ???

So, I didn't. And while the chronicle might have been interesting for me to read in hindsight you, gentle reader, should probably be very very happy that it didn't come to pass.

And now, since I've been on my feet carrying heavy trays all night and the alarm is going off at 5 a.m., I should go to sleep. Not sure when I'm gonna tell them at the restaurant that, oh yea, I'm quitting. I should do it soon. But I feel guilty over having them train me and then leaving. Maybe I'll wait and see what next week's schedule looks like. After all, I have LOTS of free time to fill up between now and August 18.

Here's to an amazing year!!!!!!!!!!!

Do You Enjoy Yourself in a Crowd?

Hi there. Hypocrite girl here.

Let me explain. I spend a lot of time on my yoga practice. Not just the postures, but the chanting, the meditating and now I'm even reading a book on yoga philosophy and its application to modern day life. (It's Yoga and the Quest for the True Self and I highly recommend it.)

And all of this practice conditions me to want to focus on the Now, the Real, the phenomenal world (in both its connotations) that surrounds me at this moment.

All of this seems much easier said than done. Because, right now, I'm definitely focused on the recent past and the upcoming future and can't seem to shake it out of my mind.

I have come to terms with how the interviews went. Even the tough cookie. I know my stuff and I feel confident that I proved that. Now, my attention has turned to the psychometric evaluation I had to take.

You know these things. Twenty-two pages of true or false questions about ridiculous things like whether you feel comfortable in crowds or if you feel comfortable speaking your mind even when authority is present. These tests drive me crazy because I don't see those things in black and white.

Define crowds. Do you mean being at the Celtics Rolling Rally? Or a large yoga workshop in the middle of a kirtan?

What do you mean speak your mind? Do you mean stand up for your opinion? Or tell your boss s/he knows where to stick it?

And they tell you with these things "there is no right answer." But that is just not true. I've heard dozens of stories of people who got passed up for a job because of their results. So, this gives me one more thing to obsess over.

I took the test on Tuesday. Haven't gotten my results back yet. I don't know if the Company has gotten theirs. (I can only imagine they'll come out at the same time). So, it's Saturday and I have two full days of not knowing anything ahead of me.

The folks I spoke to on the interviews all said I shouldn't expect a decision until next week. So I really have no more information available to me over which to be concerned. The reality is, corporations move slowly. Even when they're in a hurry. And they can't officially make any kind of decision until these damnable results arrive.

(Yes, I realize I sound exactly like I'm engaging in self-soothing rationalization. Because I AM.)

So, I have no news. And I can only pray that no news is good news.

But the practical and tangible upshot of no news is that, Monday morning, I don my black pants and rubber soaled shoes and begin my career of selling fish to tourists in T-shirts. Be careful what you wish for...

What does that even mean?

I am loathe to admit it, but the confidence and optimism of last week have worn off somewhat. I know this is my own fault. I haven't been sleeping very well and definitely haven't been meditating as much and so I am much less centered and grounded. Only myself to blame.

Which makes it even tougher to admit that yesterday's phone interview went less than stellar.

To be fair, it wasn't awful. I could tell from the get-go that this guy was a bit of a tough cookie. Struck me as the kind of guy who probably doesn't toussle his kids' hair after his ballgame and tell him, "Love ya, kiddo." But what do I know? Anyway, I felt off-kilter and thus didn't shine as brightly as I have for the other four interviews.

All this is bad enough to know. But here's what makes it worse. After a few hours, I sent off my obligitory "Thank you for taking the time to talk with me today" email and got this response:

Thank you for sharing your qualifications and experiences with me today.
Good luck in your future endeavors!

Now, seriously, what does that even mean?

Most of the people I've spoken with seem to think that it's no big deal, that he's probably just an awkward person or bad emailer, that he was one out of four, that things still look hopeful and that it's all still okay.

I'm doing my best to believe and trust that this is so. I know for sure shootin' that I am right for this job - and that I wasn't right for my last one. And I have to believe the Universe is giving me not so gentle nudges in the right direction to fulfill my higher good.

Here's to good news coming down the information highway.

Conditional Existence

You may have noticed I haven't posted in awhile. Which, really, isn't practical since I have nothing these days to do....

You see, I am officially, completely and utterly unemployed.

The ax finally dropped. In a very unceremonious fashion, I was downsized, laid off, made redundant. Last Tuesday. I've been public welfare recipient for almost a full week.

Ironically enough, on Wednesday, I had a face-to-face interview with a company that I really (really, really) want to work for. So the layoff saved me having to call in sick.

I think the interview went well. I know that it went well enough to get me to the next - and final - round of selection. It's down to me and one other candidate. Which means it's at least 50/50 in my favor. I'd like to think it's more than that since the job listing is pretty much a checklist for my resume. And, have I mentioned?, I really love the company, the division and the job.

However, I have two more phone screenings and a personality profile to make it through. So the soonest I'd hear would be Wednesday.

So, in the meantime, I must - I have to - operate as if I'm full-fledged unemployed. Scrimping and saving. Emailing resumes like there's no tomorrow. Getting a job as a waitress. (I tentatively start a week from tomorrow.)

It's a rough place to be in. Because when I'm feeling good (which is, shockingly, more often than not these days) I trust and believe that I will get this other job and actually come out ahead. But when I'm feeling down which, unfortunately, I was today, I feel like there's just no hope.

So, I guess I'll keep spamming the job boards, harassing recruiters, and studying the menu of the local Seafood joint. And, of course, doing yoga, going for walks, imploring the Universe and doing everything I can to get the stars to align in my favor.

Running it up the flagpole

It seems no matter where I work, I run into people who love Industry Speak. Every industry has 'em, but every industry is different.

In restaurants, you have code names for ingredients, you yell "behind" when you're crossing someone in the kitchen, you do "side work" after your shift and "prep" before your shift. It's like an internal secret language and - secretly - I kind of dig it. It's not intended to convey any sense of superior knowledge or advanced intellect. It's more like belonging to a fraternal order of food slingers.

In corporations, it's very very different. Everyone who has been in an office job knows the kinds of people I'm talking about. The types who don't talk about ideas, they "socialize" them. Who don't do good work, they "deliver added-value." And - my favorite - people who take things "offline."

I find that the people who engage in this kind of lingo are usually doing so to meet a few critical objectives. (har!) One is to make themselves feel important. The other is to try and develop a sense of the camaraderie that develops in other industries. But the actual result is usually to alienate themselves and open themselves to ridicule. Furthermore, I've found that the more insecure people get in their position (either they're unqualified to do their job, things in the company are unstable or they just weren't hugged as a kid), the more the Corporate Speak manifests its ugly head.

Napolean was one of these lingoists. Before leaving my last gig, I wrote this mission statement for him:
We must be proactive in controlling our own destiny to convey the ubiquitous paradigm for the construct of creating awareness, credibility and preference for our world-class Sexy Claims.

Now, here at AgencyJob, we've found another one. This gal is an EA or some basic equivalent of that. And, boy, does she love her lingo. I haven't been able to nail down her exact quirks of phrase, yet, but my buddy put this award-deserving email together to convey the overall emotion of the office:

First off, I want to thank you for the great job you’re doing staying focused on executing our priorities. And I want to assure you that we’re thoughtfully evaluating a wide range of potential strategic alternatives in what is a complex and evolving landscape. And we’ve hired top advisors to assist through the process. What’s become clear in the past few days is how much people care about this company. We have a lot to be excited about and there’s more good news to come. As we look to build on the progress we’ve been making, I want to convey how essential you are to our success. As this process moves forward, we’re going to keep you informed. Your hard work and strong commitment are more important now than ever before.

So, if you think it's bad enough that I have to live in survival mode, not knowing when the axe is going to fall, think again. Because I have to live in a survival mode where they don't even speak English.

Some days I really just want to go back to slinging beans and rice....

Taking a Comfortable Seat

I haven't posted in awhile. Life has been a whirlwind filled with broken refrigerators, long walks, lots of work and plenty more universal mood swings.

I contemplated planning a fun little post on corporate speech and its attempt to hide insecurity. And I definitely will run that post up the flagpole soon. But today, sitting on a rock on Niles Beach, I did a pretty deep meditation on being grounded.

In Anusara yoga, class begins with a meditation. And almost always, one of the first instructions out of the teacher's mouth is, "Take a comfortable seat." Superficially, it means exactly what it says: sit in a way you can sustain without movement for a few moments. But I think it actually means something deeper.

When I'm feeling insecure or anxious, I sit on the edge of my seat. I fidget. I ants. I pants. My legs twitch - jumping up off the ground again and again and again and again.

When I "take a comfortable seat," I open my legs and hips wide (attempting full lotus) and let my weight settle into my root. I literally can feel the Earth against the base of my spine. It's a posture that invites stillness. And yet, somehow, you can also feel the pulse of nature, the ebb and flow of tides, the sway of the breeze. You could call it an "active rest."

I've been feeling more "edge" and less "comfortable" in my seat these days. On top of the overarching job insecurity- to be redundant or not redundant, that is the question - there has been a more specific insecurity about the most recent project. And although I wish it weren't so, my job informs my self-view. So I'm left feeling a tad ... off kilter.

I've tried to do more "grounding" yoga poses to counteract this emotion. Unfortunately, I've also resorted to slightly ... less healthy ... methods. The combination of which seems to be working to more or less degrees. We shall see. Still, I feel like maybe recognizing the problem is at least part of the solution.

What can only - ultimately - help is time and resolution of all these survival mode circumstances. Here's hoping there's a positive (read, stable and grounded) resolution.

I Thought These Things Happened in Threes?

The following have all happened to me in less than 12 hours.

My laptop at home has a white line bisecting the screen. It's only a matter of time before the whole thing blows up.

My Sleeping Beauty mug, which holds my nightly cup of chamomile, developed a huge crack, which I didn't see until my tea poured into my cup and right back out onto the counter.

My closet door knob pulled off in my hand.

My fridge and freezer aren't so much with the working. Water everywhere. About $200 worth of food preparing to spoil.

Please - please oh please Universe - let today's meeting go well. Because if it doesn't, I might just implode.

Things I Learned This Weekend

I am exactly as high-strung as I think I am.

A travel soda is what the kids are calling it when you mix booze into a Pepsi/Coke bottle to avoid open container issues.

When my stomach hurts, a five-mile run in pea-soup weather is a bad idea.

Earplugs do not block out the bass at 2 in the morning.

Knowing may actually be worse than not knowing.

If you're craving funnel cake, the only thing to do, really, is to go ahead and have funnel cake. It's worth it. It really is.

Universal Mood Swings

Over the weekend, the weather turned gorgeous. Yet my mood was foul. I kept trying to make the best of it, but overhead hung my imagined black cloud of impending doom.

Today, the day was filled with rainclouds and thunderheads. And yet, marvelous things happened.

My next-door neighbor gave me a grill. A big one. All mine.

My soon-to-be roommate told me she's giving me the rent check tomorrow.

I got a call-back on a job. An amazing one. One that I said, when submitting my application, "I could really REALLY do this."

I had what could be considered a fairly enjoyable first date.

One of my favorite yoga teachers is back in town and teaching again.

And it looks like I may have some partners in crime around for Fiesta.

It all collectively reminds me of this riff from Bill Hicks. (I wish - today of all days - that it was the genius of George Carlin (God'vemercyonim), but alas... couldn't find an appropriate one.)

I don't understand anything so there you go...you know what my problem is? I watch too much news, man, that's my problem, that's why I'm so depressed all the time, I figured it out. I watch too much CNN, man. I don't know if you've ever sat around and watched CNN more than, I don't know, 20 hours in one day...I don't recommend that. Watch CNN Headline News for 1 hour, it's the most depressing thing you'll ever fucking do: WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS, RECESSION, DEPRESSION. WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS...Then, you look out your window. <sound of birds chirping> "Where's all this shit happening? Ted Turner's making this shit up! Jane Fonda won't sleep with him, he runs to a typewriter: 'By 1992, we will all die of AIDS; read that on the air. I don't get laid, no one gets laid!'" I'm writing Jane Fonda: 'Will you fuck this guy so we can get some good news, please?' I want to see a well-laid Ted Turner newscast: "Hey, it's all going to work out. Here's sports."

Chirp chirp. Chirp chirp.

Luck of the Irish?

Y'all know how much I love me my sports. And my rabid sportsfans.

Which is why it was SO FRIGGIN' EXCELLENT that I got to be in downtown Boston during the Celtics Rolling Rally today.

Apparently, we won some important game?

There is nothing more awesome than fighting crowds of sweaty, drunk people wearing tanktops and randomly emitting ear-splitting, gutteral groans. Unless it's waiting in a cattle pen to be allowed by a power-mad MBTA security officer onto a train full of those exact same people.

Restoring Faith

I WILL find a way to make this all work. If, for no other reason, because I live HERE.

And HERE.

Where Did All the Shit Go Before There Were Fans?

One of the perks of working for my company is the gourmet lunches that get served up daily. For less than it would cost to go out to eat, we get yummy entrees, soups, salad bar and (my favorite part) freshly-baked bread.

Of course, the downside to this is, it's like being back in High School and wondering who you're going to sit with. And now that we're all one big happy family, we're all trying to figure out how we're all going to get along.

Today's conversation centered - obliquely - on how miserable we all are, how uncertain we all are, and how we're all either hunting or preparing to hunt.

We're Corporate Cougars.

I keep telling myself that this is all meant to be, that The Universe will take care of me, and that it will all work. It's just so damn hard to trust sometimes, you know?

My New Normal

For a few months, I've been taking a class at the gym called Group Power. It's a lifting class using a bar and weight plates and enough reps to make the sweat drip down your face. The format is always the same -- warm-up, legs, chest, back & legs, triceps, biceps, lunges, shoulders, core and stretch. And you do the same routine for three months. The idea is, by the end of the three month session, you've built up strength and increased your weight factor.

The way you remember what weight you should use is judged by your "normal" weight. Your normal weight is the weight you use during warm up. For every exercise, you either add or subtract from your normal weight. And, by the end of the three month session, you should be using a "new normal."

I tell you all of this to illustrate how amazingly adaptive the human animal is. You see, my life is experiencing a "new normal."

I've been living the past few months as if I were all settled. I love my home, I love my hometown. I mostly like my job. I had a budget and a plan for the future. And then, there was this re-org. And news of possible layoffs. And news that my head was very likely on the chopping block.

And so, for almost two weeks, I've been living in this zone of not knowing what's around the corner. Do I have a job? Will I be able to keep my apartment? Will I be able to afford yoga? A vacation? A haircut? Food? Every moment is filled with uncertainty, equal parts doubt and hope.
But, somehow, I've become accustomed to this new life of constant stress and anxiety. It's become my new normal.

I can't - of course - equate it to people living in war zones or disaster epicenters. Except, it kind of is. In all cases, people find ways to muddle through, adapt, make the best, keep on keepin on. My situation is no where near as dire, heroic, or valiant, as theirs. But the principle is the same.

The only solace I am finding in any of this is that, if we keep adapting to our new normals, we will, indeed, grow stronger.

"One must imagine Sisyphus happy."

Did Someone Say Heatwave?

It's 95 degrees out and humid as all Eich Eeee Double Hockeysticks. So why, oh why, would the air conditioning at work be running?

Sweat equity anyone?

It's Raining, It's Pouring

So, the big news at work is, we've been re-orged. Which is corporate for, we have a new boss and no one has a plan, but let's all pretend we're one big happy family and no one thinks layoffs are coming.

My old boss (and sub-boss, and sub-sub-boss) is an awesome human being. He was wearing camoflauge cargo shorts when I interviewed. His approach to life and work seems to be "do what you gotta do." Me likey.

My new boss (and there are no sub-bosses now. It goes from God, to Jerry, to you, to the cleaners) is - by all accounts - not so much with the sane. And, apparently, not so much with the flexible.

Which is why I dragged my sorry butt into work by 8:30 this morning. Of course, 8:30 is still later than I usually get in. But on a day like today, where the air is soft, the rain is steady, my head is banging, and I'm extremely sleep-deprived, how I would have loved it to be 9:30. Or 10:30. Or even a mental health day.

It serves me right. I was up before 5 a.m. yesterday and stayed up until very, very late, laughing and crying and shouting with joy at the teevee machine as I watched Obama's speech. And I kinda sorta broke the rules and had one or many glasses of wine to celebrate. So, I have no one to blame but myself.

But, still. It's really a day for lying in bed with a good book, a cup of tea, and a pile of kitties.

WE DID IT!

OBAMA 08!!!!!!!!!!!

Things You Don't Want to Hear at 9:30 on a Monday

My boss: "I don't know what to say. What do you say when the worst happens?"

One More Word From Bicycle Chick

Do not attempt this bonehead move. When you're on a narrow road, one lane each direction, no breakdown area and potholes on the side of the road... IF you see a cyclist and IF there is approaching traffic ... DO NOT attempt to pass the car in front of you, even IF there is a dotted yellow line.

Seriously. Bad things will happen. DUDE.

Unexpected Sunshiney Day

Actually, I'm not sure if the sunshine was unexpected or not. But I didn't expect to get to enjoy it the way I did. Drumroll: Kalesy was spontaneous today!

I had a recording session for a radio spot this morning. It was my first ever radio project and the client has been a bit of a complete and total P.I.T.A. lately. So much so that people are completely obsessed with ways in which we can keep pleasing them and thus not lose the account. Because we all know what will happen if we lose the account....

BUT, I digress. So, it was my first radio spot. Client's fussy. I had to be in the city by 9ish, which meant catching the 7:15 a.m. train which meant getting up at the A.C.o'Dawn. I knew my boss was going to be there to oversee (read: micromanage) and also would know what time we called it a wrap. Thus, no real chance of slacking off.

Well (and here's where the unexpected came in). .. the talent was a total pro and nailed it on the third take. The client loved it and signed off almost immediately. We wrapped by 10:45. My boss informed all of us that he had a lunch meeting and thus, "just might not make it back to the office" and we should "do what we gotta do." (Translation: Slack Away!)

One call to Good Buddy (he has no idea this is what I call him, so if he's reading this - now ya know) and I arranged for some hang out and enjoy the sunshine anywhere but the office. Since we didn't want to drive around all afternoon looking for parking, we wound up at his homebase marina, sitting on the deck, enjoying the breeze and the boats.

As he so eloquently put it: "It didn't suck."

True, I had to catch the 1:15 train back to the office. True, I had on business-appropriate attire (not the sunbathing outfit of choice). True, I couldn't enjoy an adult beverage as 1) want to go to yoga tonight 2) had a pretty important project to wrap back at the office and 3) policy of no booze on a school day/nite. All that aside, I got almost two full hours in the sun with some good conversation and no worries.

So, for all the times I've said I couldn't be spontaneous - didn't know how - Phooey on me!

Our Purpose on Earth

I celebrated Memorial Day in several ways.

I went to the beach and laid shamelessly in the sun for several hours.

I ate tortilla chips and salsa. Which for some reason is now somehow more American than Mexican.

I just so happened to paint my toenails green.

I read Kurt Vonnegut's Man Without a Country. Which is uproariously funny. And also very sad. And in which he says this: "How beautiful it is to get up and go out and do something. We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different."

He also says this:

"By saying that our leaders are power-drunk chimpanzees, am I in danger of wrecking the morale of our soldiers fighting and dying in the Middle East? Their morale, like so many lifeless bodies, is already shot to pieces. They are being treated, as I never was, like toys a rich kid got for Christmas."

Goals

It has been a really busy week. I'll tell you all about the Loser's Club Has Cushy Job @ Ad Agency another time. For now....

I blew off the gym tonight to enjoy a Happy Hour at work. And happy I was. But then I got home and had all this extra energy from my early "dinner." (Do Doritos count as dinner? Well, now they do. Beetis be damned!)

So, to burn off said extra energy, I went for a run. We had a row of thunderstorms today and the thick clouds were just clearing off the ocean. The sun was burning off the smell of rain and there were multiple rainbows. Running along the surf, squinting into the setting light, smelling the low-tide scent, I was once again amazed that I live here.

I didn't make it the full way 'round. It's about 4.8 miles, a little more if you take detours (like I did) down onto the various beaches and rocky cliffs. My goal is to run the whole thing and then some by end of summer. Even if I don't make it, I'll have a glorious time trying.

(Keep clicking on the "plus" and you can see my route....)


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When Worlds Collide

The other day, Opie from the Opie & Anthony Show mentioned he was watching MSNBC during a segment where Rachel Maddow appeared.

Ten minutes of discussion ensued.

And then my head exploded.

Those two things should never, ever again appear in the same sentence.

Minolo What?

As previously noted, I am not exactly a girlie-girl. I waffle back and forth between feeling empowered by this or belittle by this. After all, what 30-something professional woman has absolutely no desire to see Sex and The City - The Movie? "The film version of the Candace Bushnell book that became Darren Star's Emmy-winning HBO series that became (from 1998 to 2004) must viewing for everyone who ever cared about shoes, hair, nails and men — in that order."

But, I digress.

I've been contemplating this lack of feminine wiles lately as I look into the morning mirror. Despite getting 8+ hours of sleep a night, eating (fairly) healthy and getting tons of exercise, I still have blotchy skin and puffy eyes. Now, this may be attributed to allergies, which have hit me with a sledgehammer this year. But maybe I'm just getting OLD. Or, at least, older.

I've even contemplated trying out the make-up.

This weekend will be a little experiment. I have to go to the mall. (blech!) Duty calls: I have to drop off the yogaHOPE press release to the Lululemon store. While I'm there, I might just try to mix business with pleasure. Even though I could never afford to purchase the goods, I might - just might - get a makover. See what they can do for me. I mean, what can I lose?

Maybe just my fine lines and wrinkles.

And since it's summertime, maybe I'll gain me a few evenings out on the town....

Halibut Point State Park

Well, I'm not a mom (thank the powers that be!) and I couldn't make it to NJ this weekend, so there's no celebration for me. Instead, I decided to enjoy the gorgeous weather with a visit to Halibut Point State Park and a visit to mother ocean. Thanks to the low pressure systems we've had the last few days (see, buddy? I'm learning my nautical speak....), the waves are really strong and it was really powerful to be out there, surrounded by water, water, and more water.

To The Woman in the Red Saab Convertible

It's nice that you think I'm so skinny. Really, I appreciate it. I mean, after all, that's part of the reason I go for bike rides in the first place. But, honestly, cross my heart and hope to ..., I wouldn't be offended if you left just a little more breathing room when you roared past me doing 50 in a 30.

*This* is why they pay us the big bucks...

Without going into enough detail here to lose my job or anything....

It amazes me the amount of money that people in advertising get paid. I mean, really, a lot of what I do all day is surf the interwebs trying to "stay on top of trends" or doodle in my notebook hoping I come up with exactly the right turn of phrase that will compel all diabetics (sorry, people with diabetes) to immediately put down whatever they are doing and sign up with one particular durable medical supply company. Like NOW muthereffers!

But then something happens and I remember why we earn a King's ransom. We deal with clients.

Example:

One client has found a very convenient loophole to upcoming regulations that, while legal, is kinda nasty and underhanded. But that's okay because the competition is even way more nastier and underhandedity. So we were instructed by the client to compose a newspaper ad that kinda sorta would hint that if people didn't SIGN UP WITH US NOW!!!!! they wouldn't be able to get their medical supplies. And thus, THEY WERE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!

So, I wrote the ad - kept it just short of blood-red dripping type - and we sent it off to the client.

It came back today with this note: "This ad sounds like you're trying scare people into joining by making it seem like they won't be able to get their supplies if they don't sign up with us. Can you try it again but make it less scary?"

I got the email. I read it. I laughed. And then I said, "thank you." Because at least now I know I can deliver to spec.

By the way - here's the award-winning headline they've asked us to use: "Attention Diabetics!" Wow - so glad I read all those copywriting books.....