Three years ago, I spent days and days and days building my way into my current home. I had no idea what I was getting into or who I was becoming. I brought a lot of stuff in, piece by piece. To finish the labor, I had a wonderful friend - Tomkolson - to help me with the last big bits of moveage.
As a stubborn, Type-A Leo, once everything was inside I was determined to start putting stuff away tout de suite. But since the day started around 5 a.m., the evening was destined to end early. And so it did.
With my newly installed cable TV, I searched out a special airing from a beloved comedian, Jim Norton. Despite hysterical laughter, I passed out from exhaustion early on.
Three years later, here's 'Lil Jimmy on my TV once again in the same special. Yet again, I'm in the space of reevaluating my situation and my desires...
Unlike three years ago, I have a much better understanding of who I am and what I want. I strive to commit to lovingkindness. But I am coming to realize I need to offer that to myself before I can offer it to others. I also don't want to be a (to borrow a 1950's phrase) a Patsy. So, the K who had learned to defend herself and her interests above those who take advantage is starting to emerge. I have been standing up for myself and my rights unequivacably while stil feeling empathy for those who want to capitalize on my generosity.
But generosity must have it's limits. And I've found those. It is time I need to stop accomodating others and looking out for my own rights.
It's uncomfortable, but it is an productive advance from the me of now and the me of three years ago.
Here I am with a distinct and obvious reminder of who I am and who I was and who I might want to be. It might not be a huge spiritual revelation, but it's enough for now.
In a roundbout way, thank you, Jim Norton.
Monday, September 05, 2011
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