Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Pause for Intermission


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Dazed and Confused

I know I haven't posted in awhile. And given that I took some time off for the amazing Todd Norian "Awakening the Heart with Anusara Yoga" retreat, I'm sure you're all expecting some deep, poetic, thoughtful meditations.

Well, if this were a week ago, perhaps.

But, alas, I've done so much writing and thinking and spinning in my own head, I just feel deeped and poeticated out.

So, you lose.

Instead, I'll relate this brief anecdote. I know that I'm treading on dicey ground, as GoodBuddy is one of my massive twelve readers and he loves to hassle me when I post about him. But, alas, this is what has me dazed and confused. (Well, that and this headcold I DO NOT HAVE. REALLY.)

GoodBuddy and I have decided that we're "on a break." Or something. Kind of. Just, basically not spending so much time together. We both agree this is a good thing. Still...

So, last night, he texted way past my bedtime. When I inquired, I learned he was at a concert at the House of Blues. Cool. I told him about my tix for the upcoming Mozza show. "Am I involved in this plan?" he asked. To my response in the negative he replied, "Very Nice. You go out then with your long haired friends and have fun there." I could be wrong, but he seemed upset.

Then, before hanging up, I confirmed that we are not on for tomorrow night. Because I need to make arrangements if we are/aren't. (The answer will determine at which studio I practice, TreeTopYoga or with David at Exhale.) His answer: "Yeah, you got nothing to do with me tomorrow night. You're being punished." And then he seemed surprised when his response bothered me a little bit.

So, let me get this straight. I don't involve you in my plans to go to a concert in which you have absolutely no interest and you get a little pissy. But you act like a jerkoff about our (may I say very adult) decision to take some time off and I'm not allowed to get a little bit ticked?

I'm confused. Dazed and confused. Men. Can't live with em. Pass the beernuts.

Monday, February 16, 2009

It's SO all GOOD

Well. How does one distill a weekend at Kripalu with Todd Norian into one post? I guess one doesn't.

The weekend was: amazing, ecstatic, heartfelt, passionate, persuasive, encouraging, supportive, healing, rejuvinating, and - above all - GRACEful. And those are just a few words to describe it.

What became clear, above all, is that when I am THERE, when I am vibrating among yogis and yoginis, I am abundantly joyous, happy, centered, graceful, and at peace. And I know that Life Is Good. Which is, at the end of the day, the point of Tantric Philosophy.

It all makes sense to me as I listen. There are peaks and valleys. And when we're in valleys, it's wicked easy to "vibrate" at a lower level. And, thus, to see things through a different set of lenses. But, knowing this, we need to attempt to realize our painful realities are only those we're seeing through one set of lenses and to swap out for a more favorable set, as we can.

To wit: "Life stinks. I travel too much. I don't have enough friends. I don't have a solid relationship. I don't have time to take care of myself."

Sure, these things are all true. But they're not a result of our situation, they're a result of our thoughts. Much better to realize, "I have the opportunity to explore different places. I can use travel to my advantage in this way. Now is my chance to stand up for my needs to my boss. I need X for health so I hav to fight for it."

And when you change your perception, you chance your reality. I've seen it to be true.

Of course, the challenge is, how do you KEEP vibrating with vitality, day in and day out, when you're living the life of corporationhood?

Well, my answer to that is: immerse yourself.

And so, two days from now, I am going to have the difficult discussion with CBL about taking time off to pursue my yoga training.

Because, as I joked this weekend, it's that or a nervous breakdown. And yoga is cheaper.

Not to mention, yoga is much -- MUCH -- more wonderful.

I'm not talking about giving up work. I'm really just talking about aligning my vacations with some in-depth yoga training. It can work. It will work. Because now is the time. Now is the right time. All is good. Life is good. It's time I realized it.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I'm off to Kripalu for a wonderful Todd Norian yoga workshop. At least, I hope it's wonderful. I assume it will be. I have no reason to expect it won't be.

It will be four days of yoga, meditation, simple vegetarian meals (KALE!), chanting, and all around healthy activities. Not to mention it will be Blackberry free.

So I should be really -- REALLY -- looking forward to it. And I am. Mostly.

I'm also a little nervous.

This trip feels to me like a complete immersion in spiritual healthiness. For someone who, maybe, not so much, has lately been engaging in unhealthiness. What is it going to be like going cold turkey on all my coping strategies?

Also, I will show up knowing no one, having to live in a room with people I don't know, share meals with total strangers and, oh yea, try to fall asleep without aid of ... anything but exhaustion.

So, I am very excited. I will be free to get some serious grounding on. Center myself. Reconnect with what is REALLY important. (hint: it's not work.) But I'm also a little nervous. Will I be different at the end of the weekend? Or will this simply be a respite from decadence?

I am refusing to bring cellphone, blackberry or computer with me so I'll let you know next week how it all goes down.

I have hope and faith that I will be better for the experience. Om Shanti. Om Shanti. Om Shanti. Om.

Adventures in Traveling

So, as we all know, I've been travelling for business a lot more than I would like. In fact, as opposed to the "10% travel" I committed to when I got the job, it's really been more like "35%."

Which is sucky in a number of ways. I buy a pass every month for the Commuter Rail. This costs me $235. That is a hefty chunk of change. On the months where I will only be in the office less than two weeks, I'm easily losing money. Add to that the $59/month I pay for gym membership fees and the cat sitter costs and, well...

Then, of course, there's the fact that every time I get home I need a day or two to return to normal. Do some laundry. Re0rganize the beauty products (I use the term losely) and - of course - make the kitties understand that Momma Loves Them.

This isn't aided by the fact that recently I've had back-to-back trips. And that, this month, my boss (CBL) has conveniently scheduled our team's love fest for the day AFTER I get back from my yoga retreat.

Not to mention the fact that EVERY SINGLE trip I've been on has been beset by massive airline and/or weather and/or equipment delays.

And, of course, I haven't helped myself at all by insisting that Good Buddy pick me up at the airport tonight.

Because, as exhausted as all this travelling has made me, staying up all night talking with him is probably the last thing I need, right?

OK - let's scratch that. Staying up and talking with him and not fighting would have been great. Staying up with him and having intense discussions (what he calls fighting) would have been good. Staying up with him and then him leaving in the middle of the night, leaving me to stay up and pace the floor worrying, is less than good. Now, I'm equally as tired and just have nothing at all to show for it.

Of course, I hope he's okay and that everything resolves itself. But I could have just as easily stayed in Calgary and visited Banff for a taste of the infinite majesty of nature or eaten a really good Vietnamese meal. Or, heck, even hit on the cute bartender at the hotel bar again.

I guess, with travelling, you just never know...

Friday, February 06, 2009

Just Noticing

"When I was young ..."
I was desperate for connection and intimacy and would grasp desperately at anything that seemed to offer that. To the point of constant calls and emailing, nonstop voicemail leaving, verging on the stalking.

Hey, I was young.

"Now that I'm older..."
I see the mistakes of my youth and I will walk away from a relationship when it no longer serves my higher purpose. This may be a difficult - even painful - decision, but I know that, in the end, that which makes me healthier will ultimately make me happier. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Right?

So, I'm wondering, how does one express this lesson to a CBL who, maybe (and I'm just speculating here) doesn't really understand that forcing people to spend time together and bond and play LaserTag together (I kid you not) does not necessarily mean that the love will increase. Especially if they've just spent two full weeks together in Florida and London. It's just that, if you try to force it, the love usually tends to do just the opposite.

I'm just sayin'.

As a PS - It's a little ironic that my relationship with GoodBuddy is teaching me this very lesson even as I have assaulted him that our relationship is no longer about the lessons he can teach me. GB, I admit it, if you're reading this, you still know one or two things I can learn. And, well, there's still a few clean pair of socks here if you want them.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Just Wondering ...

If this is what a nervous breakdown feels like?

CBL was in town all last week. I was in the office every day. She needs me there, you see. We spent the whole week together.

Then we had a 90 minute phonecall today. Half of it she spent telling me that I need to get our (read my, although technically it should be "her") planning done by Thursday am. Another portion of it was spent listening to her bitch about various and sundry co-workers. Yet another portion was spent listening to her plan and think out loud and provide validation and affirmation of how brilliant and wise she is.

OK, maybe I exaggerate a tad. But not much. One day, I will tape these phonecalls.

So, as she noted, I have a lot of planning to do. I'm not actually supposed to be doing this planning. It's technically not in my job description. But CBL has admitted that she's "numerically an idiot." Those are her words, btw. So, I have planning to do. Not that I really mind. Although it's my least favorite part of the job, it does make me more indispensible and, frankly, people know where the documentation is coming from. Still, I do have a life to lead...

After we hung up, at 2:15 pm, I proceeded to get -- I kid you not -- 47 emails from her. A bunch of these were about her travel options for a meeting we have scheduled in March in New York. Some of them were asking me my thoughts on queuing up more press releases (we have 6 in the hopper). And the remainder were asking me to resend her documents that I've already sent and posted on our Sharepoint site.

Finally, in exasperation, I sent her an email. "I really need to hunker down and get this planning done. So tomorrow I'm going to go offline for most of the day and just crank through it. Cool?"

This was the response.

"Of course. That's your number one priorty. Unless of course you get an email about SalesLogix or our presentation or the pipeline reports."


That was 25 emails ago.

It's 10:15 at night. I just finally shut my VPN down.

If there is a story in The Globe tomorrow about a crazy, naked woman jumping off the Annisquam Bridge into the icy waters below, you heard it here first, kids. Nervous breakdown.