Wednesday, May 02, 2012

All in a moment

I haven't posted much - more like at all - lately. Sometimes it seems that life is moving too fast to stop and take account. Or, more accurately, bungling you up with tasks and considerations so mundane that they hardly seem worth commentary.

Then there are evenings like tonight.

Tonight was a fundraiser event for the Cape Ann TimeBank. A local restaurant, Guiseppes, was donating 10% of all sales - food, take out, even bev - to CATB. Plus, I was there with a team of folks selling 50/50 raffle tickets.

The night stareted off great. There was a lot of laughs and catching up and general craziness. Heaven bless the patience and organization of the waitstaff!!! I especially enjoyed hanging out with a fellow "partner in crime" who was helping out with the raffle. She was vibrant, joyous, and just a wee bit on the good side of catty.

Fast forward a few hours.

She was seated - LUCKILY - next to a fellow TimeBanker and her husband, a doctor. She said she felt odd. She laid her head down. Then she said her chest hurt. By the time they got her toward the door, she had collapsed.

I have never seen someone go so pale so fast. Her face went grey, her lips immediately drying out in a blistered pucker. Her chest went still.

It was the most horrifying thing I have ever seen.

Thank the UNIVERSE that getting her down to the floor helped stabilize her heartbeat. Her color returned, she regained consciousness, she became coherent. To the point where she was admonishing the EMT staff for not buying raffle tickets.

It was a laugh seeing her joke around with the medics and bitch about not going to the ER. And I am thankful that is how the night ended.

But I also left tonight with the knowledge that the body can go from full of life to teetering frightfully close to the otherside in a precious few moments.

There is no perfect time, there is no perfect place. It's a humble lesson we all must learn. THANK THE UNIVERSE it wasn't her time. Yet, I feel that I am lucky to have had her in my life no matter what. And that she was clearly in her element in that moment.

I don't know what else to say. I only know that I won't forget the loss of identifiable life in a vibrant human being so quickly and so shockingly intense. We should cherish our lives and the lives of those around us each and every day.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Opinions. hmmm

There's the old adage about the things you don't discuss in polite company. The important one is, of course, politics.

A lot of people think that discussing politics is ridiculous. Liberals vote Democratic, Conservatives vote Republican. But I disagree. I was raised by a hard-core Conservative and am now dating a hard-core Conservative (insert father-issue joke here). But I honestly have ideas and am welcome to hear the other side...

Here's the weird part: If I post or expound on anything remotely political or idealistic, I seem to alienate friends/subscribers/et al.

So I'm confused. I thought social media sites - FaceBook, Twitter, et all - would be forums for discussion. Or, at the very least a forum for self-expression. But what I've found is that any personal commentary results in un-follows, unfriendings, or, most disturbingly, angre diatribe.

I wanted social media to be a place where we could learn what other people - not pundits but people - were thinking. Instead, I've found that it's more a forum for people to subscribe to prophets of their own gospel.

From now on, I'll subscribe to Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Pat Buchanan, George Will and their brethern.

Because I think I have legitimate ideas. I think my ideas are logical and relevant. But maybe others see things differently. And I'm sorry that people find my comments on Facebook or my Tweets on Twitter too "overtly" political. But this is stuff we need to/should talk about. Not argue about. Does that make sense? I hope so...

Friday, January 27, 2012

Dream dream dream dreeeeeeeeam dream

With the help of therapy, sweet therapy, I've been working through a lot of stuff. I'm tired of (using the words of a good friend) my "well-earned sabbatical" and wishing to return to a life of gainfull employment. That said, I don't want to enter back into the world that left me distraught and destroyed.

I've decided I want to get further into event management. And, given my history, that shouldn't be too hard. Hah! Granted, not many weeks into resume circulation, but still I'm feeling disheartened.

So that leaves me here. Nearly 5 a.m. Again. I had a dream so real, so painful, so distressing it woke me with a scream. It involved the NFP I've been doing some freelance work for that quickly realized itself as a baaaad situation. (Why do I keep falling into those?) The dream ended in me seated at a row of computers, looking at an old-school DOS screen that said, "Job Over. Job Over. Job Over." For a few moments, I wasn't sure it wasn't real.

That's the second time in two days I've had that kind of dream.

According to dream therapy, that's just me working through shit. But it stinks. I feel like I'm in Nightmare on Elm Street except, instead of Freddie Kruegar, I have Ghosts of Recent Past.

So, tomorrow, I'm supposed to drive 1/2 hour to interview witha guy who graduated college 8 years after I did about a banquet server position. The idea is that I'll slowly transition into ... banquet management. But I'm disheartened. Do I really need to drive 30 minutes each way every day to be a waitress in the hopes I'll one day get the chance to move up the ladder? Or is it more worthwhile to get a job at Panera and hope management ensues? One seems more likely than the other. Still, desperate times call for desperate measures. N'est-ce pas?

It's pouring rain and I'm distressed and depressed and honestly debating how this afternoon will turn out. Oy vey.

Finally, I have tickets to see the wonderful and talented Marc Maron tomorrow/today. I should be psyched. But, all I can think of, in his words: "Really? This again? This whole "waking up" thing?" This whole "facing the day thing?"Really?" (If you're a fan of MM, you'll get that.)

The thing is, I actually feel - in general - a lot better than I've been feeling these days. Just having all this existential angst to deal with is a major bummer. Maybe I can stop dreaming? Maybe I can stop thinking so damn hard...?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Long TIme No Hear

For anyone following my blog or reading my blog - sorry for the MIA. It's been a long, crazy few months. I moved, I landed a new - albeit temporary (and not all that desirable) - gig, I fell in love, yadda yadda yadda.

So, what else is new?

I spent the weekend with my new beau - WineBoy. I guess that's a good name for him. Who really knows? I love him to death, but there are definitely some things we need to work through. One of the major ones being his "superior" approach to food and wine. Not that it's not well-earned. But, still...

We went downtown today. Theoretically to take me to the Aquarium. I wanted to see the Shark and Ray Touch Tank. Which, btw, TOTALLY worth it. How cool is it to touch exotic sea animas?!?! Of course, then the excursion turned into him shopping for exquisit food and wine.

Fast forward. I'm supposed to pick out a spot for lunch/dinner. As I have christened it - Lunner.

I picked out a spot that had quite the random menu and not so great a wine list. And, while I was choosing a wine, was shaken a head at what I selected. Discussion ensued.

Here's where my insecurity falls in. And there's no resolution - just admission. He knows way more than I do about "What goes with what" and "what's "better" than what." But I know what I like. A Foodie probably would shudder at someone putting ketchup on their eggs or mayo on their chips/fries. But if that's what someone likes... Hell, I like to put horseradish+ketchup on my baked potatoes. So, it feels really intimidating to dine out with someone who "knows" what's right and what's not.

It's something I need to deal with. Come to terms with. Have a discussion about. But we'll see when I get the gumption to do it. This wells up a lot of my issues - hello therapy! But I don't think it's insurmountable. I guess we'll find out.

Wow - randomness for first post back. I'll have to back-fill some other time, I guess. All the fun and random stuff that has made the past few months blog-worthy. But, for now, I guess that's what's on my mind...

Monday, November 21, 2011


Here I am - insomnia girl once again. I can only assume it's the unconscious dread of "home for the holidays." I won't be home too long, but still...

Here's the other issue. I seem to be wildly, crazily in love. It's too soon, I know, but it's just ... there. He's so smart and so knowledgeable and so passionate and so caring. I keep wondering what he sees in me. He made me al list - which was truly the sweetest thing ever, but I still can't believe that this amazing man loves me. I guess I'll have to get over my disbelief because he tells me time and again that he loves me, but - wowzers!

And then there's the nesting issue. I lovelovelove spending time at his place. He's sweet and thoughtful and makes room for my shower do-dads and cooks me eggs in the morning. But I've just moved into my new home. And I really do love it here, despite my concerns. And Eliza seems to have taken territory. Still, my nights away have affected both my increase of comfort in my new home and my sense of abandonment of my FuzzBucket (and consequently the burden upon my housemate to look after her care).

I have just brought this up to amazing suitor (I'd refer to him as wine-guy, except that seems to belittle all his other amazing qualities. Still, everyone needs a pseudonym...) And I'm sure he'll be helpful and comfortable with working things out. But I'm still awfully proud to have realized the issue, thought it through and proposed a solution. Amazing therapist would be so proud.

And now, it's 4 hours until I have to get up for a meeting at my theoretical new job. I have a crazy feeling it's going to be a li=ong day.