The style of yoga I most love, Anusara, has one central theme: soften and open to Grace. The theory behind this is, if you open to Grace, grace will lead you the way.
This morning, I was having a VERY hard time getting out of bed. I'd had another bout of my infamous insomnia and, after finally falling back to sleep, I had nightmare after torturiously realistic nightmare. I woke up, still exhausted, and really wanted nothing more than to stay in bed all day. If I didn't HAVE to be anywhere, I didn't WANT to be anywhere.
But then, on a whim, I checked out the schedule at a local yoga studio. And, snap!, one of my favorite teachers was teaching at noon. It was 9. Plenty of time to do the annoying little things I'd put on my "to do" list and still make it to class. And then, class was only 10 minutes away from a theatre showing a film I wanted to see, The Rite." PS - don't make the same mistake I did.
Then, I got a call from a local Time Bank friend who can offer help on start-up businesses. And then I got a call from the contact of the PR firm working with the CAFM this year. And she invited me to a Women and Wine networking event this Thursday. Then I chatted with the admissions counselor from the nearby community college about their entrepreneurship certificate. And then I talked to someone from the Time Banks about promoting their annual fundraiser. And then...
So, I forced myself out of bed for yoga. And all this other "and then's" happened. And people STILL doubt the power of the Universe and the laws of attraction and the theory of karma? Seriously? Doods, I am living friggin proof!
PS -- Kitty curled up contentedly on my bed. She hasn't journeyed upstairs in weeks. She MUST be feeling better. Yea!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Showing posts with label yoga. Show all posts
Showing posts with label yoga. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Monday, September 27, 2010
Do the Right Thing
Here's a bit of a morality tale for ya. Of course, I'm not exactly sure what the moral is...
Sunday night, I had tickets for the Louis C.K. tour, Word. Louis is one of my all-time faves and I was very excited. That said, I really could not afford, right now at this very moment, to be spending a high-end evening in Boston.
I wound up for dinner at PF Changs because it's predictable and generally pretty quick. Unless, of course, the place is overcrowded and understaffed.
I found a seat at the bar, ordered dinner right away and then opened my book. Several minutes later, I heard my cellphone ring and I leaned over to see who was calling.
Looking down, I saw a folded pile of bills lying on the floor. I could have easily picked it up, pocketed it and made the night a profitable evening. But I just couldn't.
I picked it up and interrupted the couple next to me. "Excuse me, is this yours?" The man guessed correctly at the amount, so I assumed it had to be his. He thanked me and offered to buy me a drink. "No," I said, "There shouldn't be a reward for doing the right thing."
It felt like the right thing to do/say. Until I heard that very same couple bitching about their wait and how the restaurant should cover their theater tickets and how they would never eat at a PF Changs again and who was the manager and they would definitely be letting corporate know that this branch was disorganized and lacked in customer service and...
The ex-waitress in me really wanted to smack them upside the head. The yogini in me wished they had paid my offering forward. The human in me wanted to tell them to get over themselves and go to hell.
Who would have thunk doing the right thing could be quite so complicated?
Here's hoping karma keeps track of these little bits and bobs...
Sunday night, I had tickets for the Louis C.K. tour, Word. Louis is one of my all-time faves and I was very excited. That said, I really could not afford, right now at this very moment, to be spending a high-end evening in Boston.
I wound up for dinner at PF Changs because it's predictable and generally pretty quick. Unless, of course, the place is overcrowded and understaffed.
I found a seat at the bar, ordered dinner right away and then opened my book. Several minutes later, I heard my cellphone ring and I leaned over to see who was calling.
Looking down, I saw a folded pile of bills lying on the floor. I could have easily picked it up, pocketed it and made the night a profitable evening. But I just couldn't.
I picked it up and interrupted the couple next to me. "Excuse me, is this yours?" The man guessed correctly at the amount, so I assumed it had to be his. He thanked me and offered to buy me a drink. "No," I said, "There shouldn't be a reward for doing the right thing."
It felt like the right thing to do/say. Until I heard that very same couple bitching about their wait and how the restaurant should cover their theater tickets and how they would never eat at a PF Changs again and who was the manager and they would definitely be letting corporate know that this branch was disorganized and lacked in customer service and...
The ex-waitress in me really wanted to smack them upside the head. The yogini in me wished they had paid my offering forward. The human in me wanted to tell them to get over themselves and go to hell.
Who would have thunk doing the right thing could be quite so complicated?
Here's hoping karma keeps track of these little bits and bobs...
Monday, May 24, 2010
"Therapy Speech"
It's kind of a joke among many of my friends that, when one is in therapy for awhile, one develops "therapy speech.' (or, as Sheldon on BBT would say, "one can also get beat up in high school for referring to oneself as "one"...) Therapy speech is basically using the language of talk therapy in everyday life where, unfortunately, not everyone is so blessed or priveleged as you and is not currently "In Treatment."
Today, I caught myself using therapy speech. A friend asked me how things were going.
"Pretty good. I had a bit of a backslide this weekend, but I realized it, acknowledged it, found my center again and forgave myself for forgetting myself momentarily."
OK - maybe it's not QUITE as corny as that. But still, it is pretty corny.
Which is why it amazes me so much that it works.
I really did see myself backsliding this weekend. After a week of 24x7 CBL and "team bonding" with the work group, I pretty much felt emotionally ambushed. That on top of a really insane travel schedule and I was in danger of losing sight of the me that is me.
But, I managed to wake up this a.m., recite my mantra in the shower (hey, that way the roomie can't hear it) and take the steps I need to take to take care of myself.
Including bringing a travel alarm clock to the office to make sure I don't miss yoga!
So, it sounds new age, fluffy bunny, touchy feely, but this stuff works.
And, then, of course, I took an amazing yoga class where the instructor assisted me no less than three times. We did lots of poses that I can easily do (encouraging) and many poses I need to work on (challenging) and managed to hit a great balance so I walked out of there glowing.
And I've got a bike ride planned for the a.m. Altho - if I'm as sore tomorrow as I was last Tuesday, maybe more yoga is what the doctor orders...
Today, I caught myself using therapy speech. A friend asked me how things were going.
"Pretty good. I had a bit of a backslide this weekend, but I realized it, acknowledged it, found my center again and forgave myself for forgetting myself momentarily."
OK - maybe it's not QUITE as corny as that. But still, it is pretty corny.
Which is why it amazes me so much that it works.
I really did see myself backsliding this weekend. After a week of 24x7 CBL and "team bonding" with the work group, I pretty much felt emotionally ambushed. That on top of a really insane travel schedule and I was in danger of losing sight of the me that is me.
But, I managed to wake up this a.m., recite my mantra in the shower (hey, that way the roomie can't hear it) and take the steps I need to take to take care of myself.
Including bringing a travel alarm clock to the office to make sure I don't miss yoga!
So, it sounds new age, fluffy bunny, touchy feely, but this stuff works.
And, then, of course, I took an amazing yoga class where the instructor assisted me no less than three times. We did lots of poses that I can easily do (encouraging) and many poses I need to work on (challenging) and managed to hit a great balance so I walked out of there glowing.
And I've got a bike ride planned for the a.m. Altho - if I'm as sore tomorrow as I was last Tuesday, maybe more yoga is what the doctor orders...
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Finding Yourself
So, on Monday, I met with Awesome Therapist. And I had this to offer: "My alarm went off this morning, I went downstairs, put on my morning radio program (I have admitted to being a talk radio geek, right?) and sat down to have my breakfast. But something felt weird. And then I realized, I didn't have my laptop in front of me."
Of course, she was shocked. Most normal people would be shocked. But the reality is, I get so many emails from CBL from 7 pm to 6 am that if I didn't start the day that early, how on earth could I catch up?
What this week has shown me is -- who cares? If she sends so many emails that I can't deal with them and my daily tasks, then I don't. I am way more important than her emails. My life, my happiness, my very existence, is way more important.
And to that point, GoodBuddy. He's in town but has found countless and innumerable things to occupy his time other than see me. I know that he's putting it off because he would rather not - or more likely can not - deal with ... this. Whatever this is or was. And tonight I basically called him out. We were supposed to see each other. Then, we were supposed to call each other. And then he forget. As per usual.
The reality is, I keep looking in the rearview when I need to look through my telescope.
He's no good for me. He brought out that what was worst in me. He's hard --- Deal with it, get over it, life sucks move on -- whereas I prefer to soften to grace -- life may be hard, but there is a lesson to be learned. Soften to grace and you can find that your soul sings the song of The Universe. There is a balance between opening up and muscle-ing up, and a full life requires a balance between the two. Or, as Anusara Yoga puts it, Muscular Energy and Organic Energy.
Anusara teaches that it is all about Hugging in, and Radiating out. Strength and Softening. In Ardo Mukha, (downward dog) if you are all strength and no soften, you will stress the shoulders and the wrists. But if you feel the balance between the two, you may feel some DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) but you will not injure yourself.
GoodBuddy would find all of that "who ha" -but I find it real and powerful and that's why I found myself sitting on a rock in the sunshine, laughing and crying at the same time.
Once upon a time, he had the time and the interest to focus on these matters of the spirit. Now he is all about fixating on his future. As TNH puts it, we are very good about planning for our life, but not very good at living it.
I have so many people in my life that are not very good for me. It's no wonder I have lost focus on my center. But every day I shall do the work of "breathing in calm and breathing out a smile." Hopefully that will help. Hopefully that will keep the joy in my life.
Namaste.
I went hiking today and saw sorrel springing from the ground and buds reaching out from trees. I could see the first sprouting of fiddleheads and the scampering of robins and summer birds. I have to own all these parts of myself and love who I am. I cannot deny them any longer. I cannot allow someone else to tell me what they want and bow to that. I MUST follow my own bliss.
If you haven't read Peace is Every Step, I highly recommend you do. As someone who counts Dandelion as an herbal ally, this poem spoke powerfully to me:
I have lost my smile
But don't worry
The dandelion has it.
As Thich Nhat Hanh writes, If you have lost your smile, yet still are capable of knowing the dandelion holds if for you, things cannot be that bad."
Tomorrow, I return to work. My guess is that I have 727 emails. My mailbox probably shut down around 600, but that doesn't stop some people. I will get to as many as I can. And then, at 5:30, I will turn my computer off and head to yoga. Because I am more important. My life is more important. And it's time I started living that.
Of course, she was shocked. Most normal people would be shocked. But the reality is, I get so many emails from CBL from 7 pm to 6 am that if I didn't start the day that early, how on earth could I catch up?
What this week has shown me is -- who cares? If she sends so many emails that I can't deal with them and my daily tasks, then I don't. I am way more important than her emails. My life, my happiness, my very existence, is way more important.
And to that point, GoodBuddy. He's in town but has found countless and innumerable things to occupy his time other than see me. I know that he's putting it off because he would rather not - or more likely can not - deal with ... this. Whatever this is or was. And tonight I basically called him out. We were supposed to see each other. Then, we were supposed to call each other. And then he forget. As per usual.
The reality is, I keep looking in the rearview when I need to look through my telescope.
He's no good for me. He brought out that what was worst in me. He's hard --- Deal with it, get over it, life sucks move on -- whereas I prefer to soften to grace -- life may be hard, but there is a lesson to be learned. Soften to grace and you can find that your soul sings the song of The Universe. There is a balance between opening up and muscle-ing up, and a full life requires a balance between the two. Or, as Anusara Yoga puts it, Muscular Energy and Organic Energy.
Anusara teaches that it is all about Hugging in, and Radiating out. Strength and Softening. In Ardo Mukha, (downward dog) if you are all strength and no soften, you will stress the shoulders and the wrists. But if you feel the balance between the two, you may feel some DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) but you will not injure yourself.
GoodBuddy would find all of that "who ha" -but I find it real and powerful and that's why I found myself sitting on a rock in the sunshine, laughing and crying at the same time.
Once upon a time, he had the time and the interest to focus on these matters of the spirit. Now he is all about fixating on his future. As TNH puts it, we are very good about planning for our life, but not very good at living it.
I have so many people in my life that are not very good for me. It's no wonder I have lost focus on my center. But every day I shall do the work of "breathing in calm and breathing out a smile." Hopefully that will help. Hopefully that will keep the joy in my life.
Namaste.
I went hiking today and saw sorrel springing from the ground and buds reaching out from trees. I could see the first sprouting of fiddleheads and the scampering of robins and summer birds. I have to own all these parts of myself and love who I am. I cannot deny them any longer. I cannot allow someone else to tell me what they want and bow to that. I MUST follow my own bliss.
If you haven't read Peace is Every Step, I highly recommend you do. As someone who counts Dandelion as an herbal ally, this poem spoke powerfully to me:
I have lost my smile
But don't worry
The dandelion has it.
As Thich Nhat Hanh writes, If you have lost your smile, yet still are capable of knowing the dandelion holds if for you, things cannot be that bad."
Tomorrow, I return to work. My guess is that I have 727 emails. My mailbox probably shut down around 600, but that doesn't stop some people. I will get to as many as I can. And then, at 5:30, I will turn my computer off and head to yoga. Because I am more important. My life is more important. And it's time I started living that.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Back on the mat
You may have noticed that I haven't posted about yoga in awhile. That's because I haven't been on the mat in ages. I even stopped wearing my Om necklace because I felt hypocritical. How could I claim to be a yogini when I hadn't done a downward dog in months?
Tonight, I practiced. I've been using a million reasons to talk myself out of taking a class. Too tired, too cold, too much work to do. But the reality is, I couldn't fathom spending an hour and a half facing my true self. Cuz that's what yoga is really about. Yea, the postures make you strong and lean and improve your body through alignment, stretching and detoxification. But in the end it's all about finding the stillness amidst the activity, the mind race, the chatter. How could I endure that for an hour and a half?
Well, today, I did it. I didn't give myself the chance to second guess myself. At 5:30, I shut off the computer, packed up and walked down the street.
I'm going to be sore sore sore tomorrow. But it felt like coming home. My practice has declined a lot - poses that used to be a cake walk I struggled with. But they felt good and they felt right. And, during Sivasana, I found that brief, clear, moment of stillness. Namaste!
Tonight, I practiced. I've been using a million reasons to talk myself out of taking a class. Too tired, too cold, too much work to do. But the reality is, I couldn't fathom spending an hour and a half facing my true self. Cuz that's what yoga is really about. Yea, the postures make you strong and lean and improve your body through alignment, stretching and detoxification. But in the end it's all about finding the stillness amidst the activity, the mind race, the chatter. How could I endure that for an hour and a half?
Well, today, I did it. I didn't give myself the chance to second guess myself. At 5:30, I shut off the computer, packed up and walked down the street.
I'm going to be sore sore sore tomorrow. But it felt like coming home. My practice has declined a lot - poses that used to be a cake walk I struggled with. But they felt good and they felt right. And, during Sivasana, I found that brief, clear, moment of stillness. Namaste!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Unfortunate photos
Back in the day, I worked at a small daily in PA. To amuse ourselves during the high-stress days, we used to play a game we called "now, that's unfortunate." Being the "Features" section, we had access to all SORTS of photos - engagement, wedding, baby, golden anniversary, graduation and - my personal favorite - general interest.
Aside from the usual bad hairdos, closed eyes or smirkysmiles, there are lots of other fun things to look for. Things people don't realize when they're taking their own pictures - it's very easy to have a garden gnome look like he's peeking up your wedding gown when you're posing in a backyard. If Grandpa's hands aren't positioned correctly, yes, it can look like he's feeling Grandma up. And no one wants to think about that.
And, then, there's the picture that was posted to Twitter today by the founder of Anusara yoga. Now, I love and respect John Friend. And I know his intention in posing for and having this picture taken. I also know that he has a wonderful sense of humor. And so it is with respect and humility and a fair amount of levity that I re-post the below TwitPic. Now, that's unfortunate.
Aside from the usual bad hairdos, closed eyes or smirkysmiles, there are lots of other fun things to look for. Things people don't realize when they're taking their own pictures - it's very easy to have a garden gnome look like he's peeking up your wedding gown when you're posing in a backyard. If Grandpa's hands aren't positioned correctly, yes, it can look like he's feeling Grandma up. And no one wants to think about that.
And, then, there's the picture that was posted to Twitter today by the founder of Anusara yoga. Now, I love and respect John Friend. And I know his intention in posing for and having this picture taken. I also know that he has a wonderful sense of humor. And so it is with respect and humility and a fair amount of levity that I re-post the below TwitPic. Now, that's unfortunate.
Friday, October 09, 2009
A Bit of Perspective
I haven't posted a lot because, to be perfectly honest, I can't stand to look at a computer screen for one superfluous second. Given that launch of my product is -gasp!- 16 days away, I'm working mornings, nights, weekends, you name it. So, yea, extraneous computer usage? Not so much.
But I've been thinking a lot about my approach to all of this work time. I've been dragging myself down because, due to the work hours, I am not going to yoga, going for runs or bikerides, I'm out of touch with friends, I'm not blogging ... you get the idea. This week, I started getting really grumpy about all the stuff that this increase in work has taken from me.
But then ... full stop.
I'm on the ground floor of something amazing. Something really innovative and exciting. And it really does have the stuff to change lives. (Story to come.) So, yea, I'm working long hours. But I've got a pretty cool friggin reason why.
I stress myself out a lot about what people think and how my life stacks up against the Joneses. And sometimes I worry about how my life appears to others. Single woman. Works 70 hour work weeks. How pathetic and sad. But 1) I should NOT care so much about what other people think. And 2) would someone say anything negative about a Doctor volunteering his entire life for six months to do a Doctors Without Borders or similar? Of course not.
Almost a full year ago, I attended a workshop with John Friend. He spoke at length about sacrifices we make in the pursuit of our own "higher paths." There is no goal, he explained, that can be attained without losing something you may desire. You can't have your cake and eat it too. But the sacrifices, while maybe painful in the short term, are more than worth the pursuit of the goal.
I am supporting a product that is important and exciting and can give hundreds - thousands - millions - of people the opportunity to improve their lives. I should be proud of that. I should relish these days. Cuz, yea, they're exhausting. But, damn!, do I have a story to tell when it's all said and done!
Resolved.
But I've been thinking a lot about my approach to all of this work time. I've been dragging myself down because, due to the work hours, I am not going to yoga, going for runs or bikerides, I'm out of touch with friends, I'm not blogging ... you get the idea. This week, I started getting really grumpy about all the stuff that this increase in work has taken from me.
But then ... full stop.
I'm on the ground floor of something amazing. Something really innovative and exciting. And it really does have the stuff to change lives. (Story to come.) So, yea, I'm working long hours. But I've got a pretty cool friggin reason why.
I stress myself out a lot about what people think and how my life stacks up against the Joneses. And sometimes I worry about how my life appears to others. Single woman. Works 70 hour work weeks. How pathetic and sad. But 1) I should NOT care so much about what other people think. And 2) would someone say anything negative about a Doctor volunteering his entire life for six months to do a Doctors Without Borders or similar? Of course not.
Almost a full year ago, I attended a workshop with John Friend. He spoke at length about sacrifices we make in the pursuit of our own "higher paths." There is no goal, he explained, that can be attained without losing something you may desire. You can't have your cake and eat it too. But the sacrifices, while maybe painful in the short term, are more than worth the pursuit of the goal.
I am supporting a product that is important and exciting and can give hundreds - thousands - millions - of people the opportunity to improve their lives. I should be proud of that. I should relish these days. Cuz, yea, they're exhausting. But, damn!, do I have a story to tell when it's all said and done!
Resolved.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Mercury is retrograde
For those who do not believe that astrology actually affect our daily lives, I offer this evidence:
I woke up late.
Conference call went 2 1/2 hours instead of 1/2 hour
I missed my train
I lost the ticket for the parking garage. Moments after I pulled into a parking spot.
My Kombucha tea fizzed all over the shirt I was wearing. First time I wore it.
Waiting for GoodBuddy to call and (maybe?) suggest he'd be free for the weekend, I heard from the new guy. Friday is his birthday. Would I spend it with him? (WAHOO!!!)
I missed yoga - too much to do -- and instead drove home at 7:45 at night.
Yea It's been a complicated kind of emotional day. But - really - if you ever doubt the effect of Mercury Retrograde on humanity - doubt no more!!!!!!
I woke up late.
Conference call went 2 1/2 hours instead of 1/2 hour
I missed my train
I lost the ticket for the parking garage. Moments after I pulled into a parking spot.
My Kombucha tea fizzed all over the shirt I was wearing. First time I wore it.
Waiting for GoodBuddy to call and (maybe?) suggest he'd be free for the weekend, I heard from the new guy. Friday is his birthday. Would I spend it with him? (WAHOO!!!)
I missed yoga - too much to do -- and instead drove home at 7:45 at night.
Yea It's been a complicated kind of emotional day. But - really - if you ever doubt the effect of Mercury Retrograde on humanity - doubt no more!!!!!!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
When Good Things Happen to Good People
SO...
Sorry, folks. I said I'd post a lot and, well, I just didn't. Lot's of things have contributed to this - the cracked rib, travel, 60 hour work weeks, etc etc. But still, no excuse.
I have lots to report. In fact, I just hung up the phone with a good friend where I made him LOL not once, not twice, but many many times. Most regarding the pretty awesome roadtrip I took with GoodBuddy last weekend. I'm hoping to recreate some of those stories here. But, as they all involve GoodBuddy (and often some not-so-legal activities...) I'll try to space them out.
But above and beyond all that - I need to share the following information: I might have a new boyfriend.
Several weeks ago, I met someone at a local coffee shop. We had good chats and good laughs and exchanged phone numbers. A week later, I hadn't gotten a phonecal. Damn. But then, Saturday morning during a random coffee shop encounter, in again he walks.
He's nice. He's smart. He's funny. I laugh. I think. I really enjoy his company. He's thoughtful and considerate and gentlemanly.
But...
I guess the jury is still out on whether the tummy flip is there. Whether the heart flutters are fluttering or the brain is dreaming. Maybe it's because of all the junk going on with GoodBuddy. Maybe it's because of all the junk going on with ME. Maybe I reallyreally like him and am just scared to put myself out there again.
My life is very full right now. Which is rocking, since before I felt like it was pretty empty and alone. But to go from zero to sixty in three point five, well, it's not always easy.
There will be many, many more stories in the days to come. Whether or not CBL cares, I'll do my best to spend my lunch hour posting - not working excess hours....
Sorry, folks. I said I'd post a lot and, well, I just didn't. Lot's of things have contributed to this - the cracked rib, travel, 60 hour work weeks, etc etc. But still, no excuse.
I have lots to report. In fact, I just hung up the phone with a good friend where I made him LOL not once, not twice, but many many times. Most regarding the pretty awesome roadtrip I took with GoodBuddy last weekend. I'm hoping to recreate some of those stories here. But, as they all involve GoodBuddy (and often some not-so-legal activities...) I'll try to space them out.
But above and beyond all that - I need to share the following information: I might have a new boyfriend.
Several weeks ago, I met someone at a local coffee shop. We had good chats and good laughs and exchanged phone numbers. A week later, I hadn't gotten a phonecal. Damn. But then, Saturday morning during a random coffee shop encounter, in again he walks.
He's nice. He's smart. He's funny. I laugh. I think. I really enjoy his company. He's thoughtful and considerate and gentlemanly.
But...
I guess the jury is still out on whether the tummy flip is there. Whether the heart flutters are fluttering or the brain is dreaming. Maybe it's because of all the junk going on with GoodBuddy. Maybe it's because of all the junk going on with ME. Maybe I reallyreally like him and am just scared to put myself out there again.
My life is very full right now. Which is rocking, since before I felt like it was pretty empty and alone. But to go from zero to sixty in three point five, well, it's not always easy.
There will be many, many more stories in the days to come. Whether or not CBL cares, I'll do my best to spend my lunch hour posting - not working excess hours....
Monday, September 14, 2009
Decisions Decisions Decisions
This morning I got up when the alarm went off. I was still ridiculously tired and practically fell asleep on the way to the gym. But to the gym I made it -- and worked out I did. The Group Power instructor informed me in no way was I welcome in her class -- probably a wise decision -- but I did 45 minutes on the elliptical, a few reps of moderate weights and some stretching.
On the train ride into Boston I fell asleep.
Does this tell me something? Probably. Is it a lesson I will learn? Probably not.
GoodBuddy told me today, "This is not a case where more pain = more gain". He's right I should know that; should embody that. I'm having a hard time.I do know that twists hurt, that lunging = not so good but that standing forward bend (uttanasan) felt REALLY good, as long as I took it slow.
I also know that I am on the brink of ordering tickets (one way) to Clemson for Family Week to hang out w/ GoodBuddy and son. There are so many emotional issues with this that I cannot begin to list them all. It's probably wise that I don't go. But I probably will. What does that tell you?
Details, I guess, at 11.
On the train ride into Boston I fell asleep.
Does this tell me something? Probably. Is it a lesson I will learn? Probably not.
GoodBuddy told me today, "This is not a case where more pain = more gain". He's right I should know that; should embody that. I'm having a hard time.I do know that twists hurt, that lunging = not so good but that standing forward bend (uttanasan) felt REALLY good, as long as I took it slow.
I also know that I am on the brink of ordering tickets (one way) to Clemson for Family Week to hang out w/ GoodBuddy and son. There are so many emotional issues with this that I cannot begin to list them all. It's probably wise that I don't go. But I probably will. What does that tell you?
Details, I guess, at 11.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Limping Along
I should subtitle this post "Another reason I'm not a good yogini".
Still healing from the rib. This will take awhile, I know. But it's driving me crazy. It's autumn in New England - I want to be out and about, enjoying the weather and nature. I want to be riding my new bike and taking huge gulps of crisp, cool air. Instead, I'm sitting around like a slug.
It's making me fairly angry and bitter. As you can see :-)
What's worse is that I'm over analyzing every bite of food I put into my mouth. Now that I am not exercising regularly, can I afford to have a bite of brownie, an extra slice of toast?
Logic and old wisdom tells me that my body needs lots and lots of energy to heal itself. It needs protein and calories and, yes, even some healthy fats. Vanity and low self esteem tells me that my butt is spreading and my thighs becoming thunderous.
It irks me that I am not above this petty argument in my head. That, as someone who follows @AnusaraFriend on Twitter and in life, that I can't rejoice in the things my body can do and respect the lessons my injuries can teach me. But, I guess my soul is not yet that enlightened. And so The Work continues...
Still healing from the rib. This will take awhile, I know. But it's driving me crazy. It's autumn in New England - I want to be out and about, enjoying the weather and nature. I want to be riding my new bike and taking huge gulps of crisp, cool air. Instead, I'm sitting around like a slug.
It's making me fairly angry and bitter. As you can see :-)
What's worse is that I'm over analyzing every bite of food I put into my mouth. Now that I am not exercising regularly, can I afford to have a bite of brownie, an extra slice of toast?
Logic and old wisdom tells me that my body needs lots and lots of energy to heal itself. It needs protein and calories and, yes, even some healthy fats. Vanity and low self esteem tells me that my butt is spreading and my thighs becoming thunderous.
It irks me that I am not above this petty argument in my head. That, as someone who follows @AnusaraFriend on Twitter and in life, that I can't rejoice in the things my body can do and respect the lessons my injuries can teach me. But, I guess my soul is not yet that enlightened. And so The Work continues...
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Northeast Corrider
Once again, it's been way too long since my last post. I don't even know where I would begin to fill you in, if I wanted to. I've been doing a lot of "inside work" lately - trying to hold onto the really good energy I'd cultivated while on vacation even as many things around me shift and shudder.
I've decided I am going to get a roommate. And it looks like it's down to two. In fact, if one of them calls me back this afternoon and answers some of my questions satisfactorily, it'll be down to one. This is going to be a major upheaval in my life, but I think the net/net will be for the overall good.
Speaking of good - GoodBuddy is falling apart at the seams but quick. Things in his life have been fairly out of kilter. After all the times he's been there for me - held me up and held me together - I really want to be there for him. It's just that I have no idea how. I'll say something thinking I'm being compassionate and he'll want me to make a joke. Or, I'll change the subject and he'll want to linger. As I said to my friend (forthwith to be called ChirpChirp), I know I can't make it any better. I just don't want to make it any worse.
And then, of course, there's work. As I type, I am sitting on the Acela Express to Philadelphia (or, as we called it growing up, FilthyDelphia.) I'll be there until Friday, then home for a weekend with the rents and my best friend, then home for a whopping 11 hours before I head to Boston for our "Team Meeting." (CBL - Fuck yea!). I've been putting in longlonglong hours at the office and logging back in when I get home. Still, I am able to approach the workload - and the interactions - with some semblance of peace and sanity.
These and various and sundry other things have kept me challenged over the last few weeks. But I am doing my best to keep the joys - small and large - in my mind for those times when it gets overwhelming. This week, we will celebrate my dad's birthday. A birthday we weren't sure he'd see. I saw the sunrise over the harbor this morning and smelled a thunderstorm rolling in. And, of course, the fact that yoga is available to me - to everyone - every day and every moment of our lives if we choose to practice it.
So, sorry for the ramble down randomness that this post has been. I will do my best to return to our regularly scheduled blogging. But, I felt it was important to get us all back on track. You know, since I'm on a train and all.... (ha ha ha ha I'm so damn funny.)
I've decided I am going to get a roommate. And it looks like it's down to two. In fact, if one of them calls me back this afternoon and answers some of my questions satisfactorily, it'll be down to one. This is going to be a major upheaval in my life, but I think the net/net will be for the overall good.
Speaking of good - GoodBuddy is falling apart at the seams but quick. Things in his life have been fairly out of kilter. After all the times he's been there for me - held me up and held me together - I really want to be there for him. It's just that I have no idea how. I'll say something thinking I'm being compassionate and he'll want me to make a joke. Or, I'll change the subject and he'll want to linger. As I said to my friend (forthwith to be called ChirpChirp), I know I can't make it any better. I just don't want to make it any worse.
And then, of course, there's work. As I type, I am sitting on the Acela Express to Philadelphia (or, as we called it growing up, FilthyDelphia.) I'll be there until Friday, then home for a weekend with the rents and my best friend, then home for a whopping 11 hours before I head to Boston for our "Team Meeting." (CBL - Fuck yea!). I've been putting in longlonglong hours at the office and logging back in when I get home. Still, I am able to approach the workload - and the interactions - with some semblance of peace and sanity.
These and various and sundry other things have kept me challenged over the last few weeks. But I am doing my best to keep the joys - small and large - in my mind for those times when it gets overwhelming. This week, we will celebrate my dad's birthday. A birthday we weren't sure he'd see. I saw the sunrise over the harbor this morning and smelled a thunderstorm rolling in. And, of course, the fact that yoga is available to me - to everyone - every day and every moment of our lives if we choose to practice it.
So, sorry for the ramble down randomness that this post has been. I will do my best to return to our regularly scheduled blogging. But, I felt it was important to get us all back on track. You know, since I'm on a train and all.... (ha ha ha ha I'm so damn funny.)
Monday, July 27, 2009
Staycation
The term staycation means a little bit more to me...
I've been travelling so much this past year - officially a full year on 29 July - that having a week to not leave my island is heaven. In fact, the only reason I'm not currently dipping my toes in the sand is because the polish on them is currently drying. Green, in case you're wondering.
I am really going to challenge myself to not check the blackberry or stress out at all during the week. Yes, there are a few work projects I actually need to do. File expenses for one - which is partly about meeting month-end deadlines and partly about recouping the hundreds of dollars I front for good ole jobby job. But I really - really - am going to do my best not to get wrapped up in CBL's anxiety.
Because, while I was hanging out with wonderful friend YogaGirl this weekend, she said something so brilliant, so insightful - SO FRIGGIN SIMPLE - it stunned me. I made the mistake of checking the BB on Saturday night at 11 pm. Right before bed. And saw a bunch of emails that started, "I know you're on vacation, but..." And I cried. And YogaGirl's advice? "It's not your job to fix her. If she's stressing out on a Saturday night, that's her. It's not you. You're not her mom or her therapist or her boss or even her friend. Put the blackberry down and go to bed."
She's right.
So, this week, my job is to relax, make a permanent me-shaped dent in the sand, do some yoga, watch some waves, and just enjoy.
I'll post about the exhaustive weekend with amazing YogaGirl and son later. Stay tuned for pearls of wisdom from a six-year old.
I've been travelling so much this past year - officially a full year on 29 July - that having a week to not leave my island is heaven. In fact, the only reason I'm not currently dipping my toes in the sand is because the polish on them is currently drying. Green, in case you're wondering.
I am really going to challenge myself to not check the blackberry or stress out at all during the week. Yes, there are a few work projects I actually need to do. File expenses for one - which is partly about meeting month-end deadlines and partly about recouping the hundreds of dollars I front for good ole jobby job. But I really - really - am going to do my best not to get wrapped up in CBL's anxiety.
Because, while I was hanging out with wonderful friend YogaGirl this weekend, she said something so brilliant, so insightful - SO FRIGGIN SIMPLE - it stunned me. I made the mistake of checking the BB on Saturday night at 11 pm. Right before bed. And saw a bunch of emails that started, "I know you're on vacation, but..." And I cried. And YogaGirl's advice? "It's not your job to fix her. If she's stressing out on a Saturday night, that's her. It's not you. You're not her mom or her therapist or her boss or even her friend. Put the blackberry down and go to bed."
She's right.
So, this week, my job is to relax, make a permanent me-shaped dent in the sand, do some yoga, watch some waves, and just enjoy.
I'll post about the exhaustive weekend with amazing YogaGirl and son later. Stay tuned for pearls of wisdom from a six-year old.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Poetic Reflection on Last Post
Venus Just Asked Me
Perhaps
For just one minute a day,
It might be of value to torture yourself
With thoughts like,
"I should be doing
A hell of a lot more with my life than I am
- Cause I'm so damned talented."
But remember:
For just one minute out of the day.
With all the rest of your time,
It would be best
To try
Looking upon your self more as God does.
For He knows
Your true nature.
God is never confused
And can see
Only Himself in you.
My dear,
Venus just leaned down and asked me
To tell you a secret, to confess
She's just a mirror who has been stealing
Your light and music for centuries.
She knows as does Hafiz,
You are the sole heir
to The King.
-Hafiz, Tonight the Subject is Love
Perhaps
For just one minute a day,
It might be of value to torture yourself
With thoughts like,
"I should be doing
A hell of a lot more with my life than I am
- Cause I'm so damned talented."
But remember:
For just one minute out of the day.
With all the rest of your time,
It would be best
To try
Looking upon your self more as God does.
For He knows
Your true nature.
God is never confused
And can see
Only Himself in you.
My dear,
Venus just leaned down and asked me
To tell you a secret, to confess
She's just a mirror who has been stealing
Your light and music for centuries.
She knows as does Hafiz,
You are the sole heir
to The King.
-Hafiz, Tonight the Subject is Love
Going Deep for Just a Moment
Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's all the incense and sage I've been burning. (My bedroom smells like a ganja factory. (We grow copious amounts of ganja here, and you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist. Sorry, I digress.) But anyway.
After last night's stress factory, I woke up with a start at 4 am. Terrible dreams filled with CBL, USB interfaces, misfired emails, collateral pieces that don't exist and budgets gone awry. Sure, I probably could have TRIED to go back to sleep, but let's be honest with ourselves...
Anyway, I made it up and in to the office. I made it through the day. I conspicously did NOT go into CBL's office until our 1:30 call with a colleague. And then I was conspicuously ... reserved. I wanted to shout at her, scream at her, tell her that she had no right to infringe on my life, on my psyche. But that's not how the good little employee acts. The good little employee smiles and nods. She does her work. She gets stuff done. She does not ask for recognition or reward. Stifling all this, I got through a three hour meeting. Stifling all this, I made it through the day. Until 5 pm. At which point I planned to head to yoga.
NOW - before you get mad at me for skipping yoga yet again for CBL, let me say I DID go to yoga. And it rocked my world. More in a moment. But first.
new
I stopped into her office to say goodbye. At which point I mentioned I was heading to a new-to-me yoga studio and did she want me to pick her up a schedule. After which brief conversation, I mentioned, hesitantly "And I think at some point I'd like to talk about the expectation of email responses on nights, weekends, vacations, you know..."
And we did. We talked about it. And it was awkward. She knew I was upset. But I wasn't giving in. I had a stand and I was taking it. Ms. Insecurity that she is, she stumbled all over herself. I wasn't that smooth myownself, veteran of confrontation that I am. But the conversation was had, a truce was called and I left for yoga.
And then, yoga. It was a Forrest class, a style I'm not usually fond of. Far too much ab work for my taste. It reminds me a little too much of those classes the hot young things take solely to look good in a bikini. Thanks but no thanks. But this one was different.
The instructor was amazing. She talked about going deep within to your core. She talked about staying with your feelings as they arose. She talked about how good people are at "faking it" - to themselves or others. Don't pretend you have an injury or weakness to take a modification because you're tired or weak. Don't come out of a pose and rub your wrist, ankle, knee because you were really about to fall. At the same time, if you have an injury. Listen to it. Don't fake that you're fine or you're strong because you want to push yourself.
Every moment and every sensation has something to teach you.
And that's when I had another one of my friggin A-ha moments. (God, I love yoga).
So often in my days, I pretend there's something wrong. I imagine myself tainted, shameful, needing to detox or cleanse or heal or harmonize or balance or ... on and on. And, here's the thing. I don't really need to do any of these things. I am perfect the exact and precise way I am. Every moment, every sensation, I'm learning something. When I'm happy or proud or accomplished, I should not hide these things. When I'm achy or sweaty or puffy, I should not hide these things.
Every moment the Universe brings to me (and you and you and mostly me and you) the exact lessons we need.
We just need to stop faking and start listening. We need to start owning our truths, using our voices, being open to exactly who we are.
After last night's stress factory, I woke up with a start at 4 am. Terrible dreams filled with CBL, USB interfaces, misfired emails, collateral pieces that don't exist and budgets gone awry. Sure, I probably could have TRIED to go back to sleep, but let's be honest with ourselves...
Anyway, I made it up and in to the office. I made it through the day. I conspicously did NOT go into CBL's office until our 1:30 call with a colleague. And then I was conspicuously ... reserved. I wanted to shout at her, scream at her, tell her that she had no right to infringe on my life, on my psyche. But that's not how the good little employee acts. The good little employee smiles and nods. She does her work. She gets stuff done. She does not ask for recognition or reward. Stifling all this, I got through a three hour meeting. Stifling all this, I made it through the day. Until 5 pm. At which point I planned to head to yoga.
NOW - before you get mad at me for skipping yoga yet again for CBL, let me say I DID go to yoga. And it rocked my world. More in a moment. But first.
new
I stopped into her office to say goodbye. At which point I mentioned I was heading to a new-to-me yoga studio and did she want me to pick her up a schedule. After which brief conversation, I mentioned, hesitantly "And I think at some point I'd like to talk about the expectation of email responses on nights, weekends, vacations, you know..."
And we did. We talked about it. And it was awkward. She knew I was upset. But I wasn't giving in. I had a stand and I was taking it. Ms. Insecurity that she is, she stumbled all over herself. I wasn't that smooth myownself, veteran of confrontation that I am. But the conversation was had, a truce was called and I left for yoga.
And then, yoga. It was a Forrest class, a style I'm not usually fond of. Far too much ab work for my taste. It reminds me a little too much of those classes the hot young things take solely to look good in a bikini. Thanks but no thanks. But this one was different.
The instructor was amazing. She talked about going deep within to your core. She talked about staying with your feelings as they arose. She talked about how good people are at "faking it" - to themselves or others. Don't pretend you have an injury or weakness to take a modification because you're tired or weak. Don't come out of a pose and rub your wrist, ankle, knee because you were really about to fall. At the same time, if you have an injury. Listen to it. Don't fake that you're fine or you're strong because you want to push yourself.
Every moment and every sensation has something to teach you.
And that's when I had another one of my friggin A-ha moments. (God, I love yoga).
So often in my days, I pretend there's something wrong. I imagine myself tainted, shameful, needing to detox or cleanse or heal or harmonize or balance or ... on and on. And, here's the thing. I don't really need to do any of these things. I am perfect the exact and precise way I am. Every moment, every sensation, I'm learning something. When I'm happy or proud or accomplished, I should not hide these things. When I'm achy or sweaty or puffy, I should not hide these things.
Every moment the Universe brings to me (and you and you and mostly me and you) the exact lessons we need.
We just need to stop faking and start listening. We need to start owning our truths, using our voices, being open to exactly who we are.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Channelling My Inner Elliot Garfield
One of my favorite all time quotes from one of my favorite all-time movies:
Elliot Garfield: OMmmmmmm
Paula McFadden: Is that it? Is that the last chorus?
Elliot Garfield: I am in a blissful state so don't bug me.
Paula McFadden: Is this going to be a regular routine? I mean, guitars at night. Humming in the morning. I've been in musicals that didn't have this much music.
Elliot Garfield: Miss McFadden, this morning I start rehearsals for my very first New York play. Probably the most important day of my life. Am I nervous? No, I am not nervous. Because I have meditated I am relaxed, I am calm, I am confident. You, on the other hand, have not meditated. Therefore you are a pain in the ass.
I quote this tonight, because, unfortunately, I have NOT meditated. I am NOT calm, not confident.
Someone earlier this weekend asked me, "When you get home at night, what do you do?" How sad is it that the answer to that question is often, "spend the night freaking out and screaming inside my head about CBL's email."
You see, when I'm telling CBL stories I mean them to be funny. They're amusing - to readers, to friends and, often, to me. But sometimes they're really not funny at all. Because, sometimes I don't have control of my life. She does.
Tonight, she was in all-out freak out mode. I can tell this by the way she structures her emails, the way she flurries multiple (like eight or ten) emails on one subject. The way she starts emails off with my name, like she's my mother scolding me as a toddler. "Miss Priz Mary Jane, do your homework right now!" She had a report to turn in, she's been "on vacation" for four days and she'd thought a database report I'd run on Friday contained the data she needed. Except she opened it at 7:15 and it wasn't in the format she needed. Hysteria ensued.
When she couldn't get ahold of me, she emailed just about every other person on my team. None of whom, by the way, have access to the data I do, since I am the only non-VP master user. I watched all of this happen, of course, via Blackberry, as my name got spammed around the Carbon Copy universe.
What is the right response in this situation? Do I just ignore her, stick my proverbial fingers in my ears and say, "na na na I can't heeeeear youuuuuuuu. It's past my bedtime"? Do I respond with my own flurry of emails, apologizing left right and center and proving myself to be the good little employee that I am? Do I hold my ground and respond and say "Now, CBL, relax. The report will get run in the morning and no one will die and no one will bleed out on the OR table"?
Yes, of course, that would be the centered, calm, meditative response.
I, on the other hand, spent two hours generating the report, screaming at the walls and generally getting my adrenaline and blood pressure up. It's now 10:30, my alarm goes at 5 am and I'm still hours away from relaxing enough to get a decent night's sleep.
Of course, there is ONE small thing that I am revelling in in the midst of all this chaos. It's childish, it's ridiculous, and GoodBuddy would yell at me and tell me I'm being an idiot. But that's not going to change it.
You see, CBL loves to labor under the impression that she and I have sooooo much in common. We're like so, totally, BFFs and so alike.
So, tomorrow, when she shows up to the office in her Ann Taylor suit and David Yurman jewelry, this is what I'll be wearing:
Elliot Garfield: OMmmmmmm
Paula McFadden: Is that it? Is that the last chorus?
Elliot Garfield: I am in a blissful state so don't bug me.
Paula McFadden: Is this going to be a regular routine? I mean, guitars at night. Humming in the morning. I've been in musicals that didn't have this much music.
Elliot Garfield: Miss McFadden, this morning I start rehearsals for my very first New York play. Probably the most important day of my life. Am I nervous? No, I am not nervous. Because I have meditated I am relaxed, I am calm, I am confident. You, on the other hand, have not meditated. Therefore you are a pain in the ass.
I quote this tonight, because, unfortunately, I have NOT meditated. I am NOT calm, not confident.
Someone earlier this weekend asked me, "When you get home at night, what do you do?" How sad is it that the answer to that question is often, "spend the night freaking out and screaming inside my head about CBL's email."
You see, when I'm telling CBL stories I mean them to be funny. They're amusing - to readers, to friends and, often, to me. But sometimes they're really not funny at all. Because, sometimes I don't have control of my life. She does.
Tonight, she was in all-out freak out mode. I can tell this by the way she structures her emails, the way she flurries multiple (like eight or ten) emails on one subject. The way she starts emails off with my name, like she's my mother scolding me as a toddler. "Miss Priz Mary Jane, do your homework right now!" She had a report to turn in, she's been "on vacation" for four days and she'd thought a database report I'd run on Friday contained the data she needed. Except she opened it at 7:15 and it wasn't in the format she needed. Hysteria ensued.
When she couldn't get ahold of me, she emailed just about every other person on my team. None of whom, by the way, have access to the data I do, since I am the only non-VP master user. I watched all of this happen, of course, via Blackberry, as my name got spammed around the Carbon Copy universe.
What is the right response in this situation? Do I just ignore her, stick my proverbial fingers in my ears and say, "na na na I can't heeeeear youuuuuuuu. It's past my bedtime"? Do I respond with my own flurry of emails, apologizing left right and center and proving myself to be the good little employee that I am? Do I hold my ground and respond and say "Now, CBL, relax. The report will get run in the morning and no one will die and no one will bleed out on the OR table"?
Yes, of course, that would be the centered, calm, meditative response.
I, on the other hand, spent two hours generating the report, screaming at the walls and generally getting my adrenaline and blood pressure up. It's now 10:30, my alarm goes at 5 am and I'm still hours away from relaxing enough to get a decent night's sleep.
Of course, there is ONE small thing that I am revelling in in the midst of all this chaos. It's childish, it's ridiculous, and GoodBuddy would yell at me and tell me I'm being an idiot. But that's not going to change it.
You see, CBL loves to labor under the impression that she and I have sooooo much in common. We're like so, totally, BFFs and so alike.
So, tomorrow, when she shows up to the office in her Ann Taylor suit and David Yurman jewelry, this is what I'll be wearing:
- Purple pants with brightly colored yoga sutras embroidered on them
- Purple toenail polish
- A henna tattoo snaking (literally) around my upper arm
Maybe, just maybe, with all that outward expression of my inner self, I can actually find some inner self to center my universe around. Maybe.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Breakthrough
Only two weeks ago I was feeling like there was just absolutely nothing in my life to look forward to. I spend Saturdays and Sundays feeling lonely and then feeling like I have a million things to do to get ready for the draining a demoralizing week ahead. You can imagine that I wasn't happy in my existence.
And, while not all that much has ACTUALLY changed, I am doing my best to shift my outlook. Do my daily affirmations. Look for and find the positive.
Last weekend I had a lovely day with the ladies hanging out in Salem. We enjoyed the sunshine, the atmosphere, the amazing beverages at Jaho Coffee. They have some amazing artists on staff there. Witness:
But most importantly, the day out confirmed for me the things in this world that make me happy. Honest discourse. Reliance on Mother Earth for health and happiness. The belief that energy and attitude is what truly makes existence worthwhile.
And, sure enough, I had some amazing releases in yoga classes this week. I may have actually met someone. I might have made some friends. I've set myself up with a budget that, while restrictive, can provide me boundaries within which I can find true expression (that's a yoga thing...). And most importantly, I've discovered a new way to begin living on a day to day basis.
No, not all is happiness and light. Not all is fuzzy bunnies and fluffy lambies. But for the first time in a long time, I see the horizon of light and it looks like hope.
Namaste.
And, while not all that much has ACTUALLY changed, I am doing my best to shift my outlook. Do my daily affirmations. Look for and find the positive.
Last weekend I had a lovely day with the ladies hanging out in Salem. We enjoyed the sunshine, the atmosphere, the amazing beverages at Jaho Coffee. They have some amazing artists on staff there. Witness:
But most importantly, the day out confirmed for me the things in this world that make me happy. Honest discourse. Reliance on Mother Earth for health and happiness. The belief that energy and attitude is what truly makes existence worthwhile.
And, sure enough, I had some amazing releases in yoga classes this week. I may have actually met someone. I might have made some friends. I've set myself up with a budget that, while restrictive, can provide me boundaries within which I can find true expression (that's a yoga thing...). And most importantly, I've discovered a new way to begin living on a day to day basis.
No, not all is happiness and light. Not all is fuzzy bunnies and fluffy lambies. But for the first time in a long time, I see the horizon of light and it looks like hope.
Namaste.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Now What the F**^ is the Universe Trying to Tell Me?
Here are the facts of the case:
This morning, I awoke from a very disturbing, very realistic dream, when my alarm went off at 5:05. It usually goes off at 4:45. I had gone to bed 20 minutes earlier than normal. Despite this extra sleep (and no extraneous circumstances) I was EXHAUSTED.
On my way to yoga practice, I stopped off at an ATM for cash. In doing so, I took the sideview mirror clean off the driver side window. The only repair window they have available is Saturday at 9 am.
On my way into work, I got a call from a program I'd contacted regarding their MBA program. They're still interested in candidates for the fall program, even though I'd indicated I was a likely candidate for winter. They're interested in my background.
I went to lunch and ordered the lunch special. Except they didn't have the vegetarian portion of the appetizer. So I could get the lunch special without the part of it that makes it special, for the same price.
I finally got off the train at my station only to find my car - complete with broken mirror - had been towed. I wandered around town for 20 minutes before finding the impound lot. They charge more than they do in downtown Boston. But at least they take Visa.
SO - given my debt level, and the fact that I am now looking at a $115 tow charge and at least a $500 repair fee. AND given that I might have the opportunity to develop my career here in town. AND given the fact that I might be looking at having a real heart to heart with CBL about my commute logistics. Does it still make sense for me to be registering for the three Anusara Immersions with Todd and Anne?
I can't make any decisions right now. I'm much too close to everything. I know that in yoga lies the path to my healing and sanity. But I also know that the $2k I've put aside for the fee, not to mention the 15+ nights hotel accomodation I'll have to book, could come in wicked handy right now.
I don't know what the Universe is telling me to do. But I do know that I am going to take a cue from past regrets and not make any hasty decisions. Time to meditate. Time to breathe. Time to think.
This morning, I awoke from a very disturbing, very realistic dream, when my alarm went off at 5:05. It usually goes off at 4:45. I had gone to bed 20 minutes earlier than normal. Despite this extra sleep (and no extraneous circumstances) I was EXHAUSTED.
On my way to yoga practice, I stopped off at an ATM for cash. In doing so, I took the sideview mirror clean off the driver side window. The only repair window they have available is Saturday at 9 am.
On my way into work, I got a call from a program I'd contacted regarding their MBA program. They're still interested in candidates for the fall program, even though I'd indicated I was a likely candidate for winter. They're interested in my background.
I went to lunch and ordered the lunch special. Except they didn't have the vegetarian portion of the appetizer. So I could get the lunch special without the part of it that makes it special, for the same price.
I finally got off the train at my station only to find my car - complete with broken mirror - had been towed. I wandered around town for 20 minutes before finding the impound lot. They charge more than they do in downtown Boston. But at least they take Visa.
SO - given my debt level, and the fact that I am now looking at a $115 tow charge and at least a $500 repair fee. AND given that I might have the opportunity to develop my career here in town. AND given the fact that I might be looking at having a real heart to heart with CBL about my commute logistics. Does it still make sense for me to be registering for the three Anusara Immersions with Todd and Anne?
I can't make any decisions right now. I'm much too close to everything. I know that in yoga lies the path to my healing and sanity. But I also know that the $2k I've put aside for the fee, not to mention the 15+ nights hotel accomodation I'll have to book, could come in wicked handy right now.
I don't know what the Universe is telling me to do. But I do know that I am going to take a cue from past regrets and not make any hasty decisions. Time to meditate. Time to breathe. Time to think.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Dazed and Confused
I know I haven't posted in awhile. And given that I took some time off for the amazing Todd Norian "Awakening the Heart with Anusara Yoga" retreat, I'm sure you're all expecting some deep, poetic, thoughtful meditations.
Well, if this were a week ago, perhaps.
But, alas, I've done so much writing and thinking and spinning in my own head, I just feel deeped and poeticated out.
So, you lose.
Instead, I'll relate this brief anecdote. I know that I'm treading on dicey ground, as GoodBuddy is one of my massive twelve readers and he loves to hassle me when I post about him. But, alas, this is what has me dazed and confused. (Well, that and this headcold I DO NOT HAVE. REALLY.)
GoodBuddy and I have decided that we're "on a break." Or something. Kind of. Just, basically not spending so much time together. We both agree this is a good thing. Still...
So, last night, he texted way past my bedtime. When I inquired, I learned he was at a concert at the House of Blues. Cool. I told him about my tix for the upcoming Mozza show. "Am I involved in this plan?" he asked. To my response in the negative he replied, "Very Nice. You go out then with your long haired friends and have fun there." I could be wrong, but he seemed upset.
Then, before hanging up, I confirmed that we are not on for tomorrow night. Because I need to make arrangements if we are/aren't. (The answer will determine at which studio I practice, TreeTopYoga or with David at Exhale.) His answer: "Yeah, you got nothing to do with me tomorrow night. You're being punished." And then he seemed surprised when his response bothered me a little bit.
So, let me get this straight. I don't involve you in my plans to go to a concert in which you have absolutely no interest and you get a little pissy. But you act like a jerkoff about our (may I say very adult) decision to take some time off and I'm not allowed to get a little bit ticked?
I'm confused. Dazed and confused. Men. Can't live with em. Pass the beernuts.
Well, if this were a week ago, perhaps.
But, alas, I've done so much writing and thinking and spinning in my own head, I just feel deeped and poeticated out.
So, you lose.
Instead, I'll relate this brief anecdote. I know that I'm treading on dicey ground, as GoodBuddy is one of my massive twelve readers and he loves to hassle me when I post about him. But, alas, this is what has me dazed and confused. (Well, that and this headcold I DO NOT HAVE. REALLY.)
GoodBuddy and I have decided that we're "on a break." Or something. Kind of. Just, basically not spending so much time together. We both agree this is a good thing. Still...
So, last night, he texted way past my bedtime. When I inquired, I learned he was at a concert at the House of Blues. Cool. I told him about my tix for the upcoming Mozza show. "Am I involved in this plan?" he asked. To my response in the negative he replied, "Very Nice. You go out then with your long haired friends and have fun there." I could be wrong, but he seemed upset.
Then, before hanging up, I confirmed that we are not on for tomorrow night. Because I need to make arrangements if we are/aren't. (The answer will determine at which studio I practice, TreeTopYoga or with David at Exhale.) His answer: "Yeah, you got nothing to do with me tomorrow night. You're being punished." And then he seemed surprised when his response bothered me a little bit.
So, let me get this straight. I don't involve you in my plans to go to a concert in which you have absolutely no interest and you get a little pissy. But you act like a jerkoff about our (may I say very adult) decision to take some time off and I'm not allowed to get a little bit ticked?
I'm confused. Dazed and confused. Men. Can't live with em. Pass the beernuts.
Monday, February 16, 2009
It's SO all GOOD
Well. How does one distill a weekend at Kripalu with Todd Norian into one post? I guess one doesn't.
The weekend was: amazing, ecstatic, heartfelt, passionate, persuasive, encouraging, supportive, healing, rejuvinating, and - above all - GRACEful. And those are just a few words to describe it.
What became clear, above all, is that when I am THERE, when I am vibrating among yogis and yoginis, I am abundantly joyous, happy, centered, graceful, and at peace. And I know that Life Is Good. Which is, at the end of the day, the point of Tantric Philosophy.
It all makes sense to me as I listen. There are peaks and valleys. And when we're in valleys, it's wicked easy to "vibrate" at a lower level. And, thus, to see things through a different set of lenses. But, knowing this, we need to attempt to realize our painful realities are only those we're seeing through one set of lenses and to swap out for a more favorable set, as we can.
To wit: "Life stinks. I travel too much. I don't have enough friends. I don't have a solid relationship. I don't have time to take care of myself."
Sure, these things are all true. But they're not a result of our situation, they're a result of our thoughts. Much better to realize, "I have the opportunity to explore different places. I can use travel to my advantage in this way. Now is my chance to stand up for my needs to my boss. I need X for health so I hav to fight for it."
And when you change your perception, you chance your reality. I've seen it to be true.
Of course, the challenge is, how do you KEEP vibrating with vitality, day in and day out, when you're living the life of corporationhood?
Well, my answer to that is: immerse yourself.
And so, two days from now, I am going to have the difficult discussion with CBL about taking time off to pursue my yoga training.
Because, as I joked this weekend, it's that or a nervous breakdown. And yoga is cheaper.
Not to mention, yoga is much -- MUCH -- more wonderful.
I'm not talking about giving up work. I'm really just talking about aligning my vacations with some in-depth yoga training. It can work. It will work. Because now is the time. Now is the right time. All is good. Life is good. It's time I realized it.
The weekend was: amazing, ecstatic, heartfelt, passionate, persuasive, encouraging, supportive, healing, rejuvinating, and - above all - GRACEful. And those are just a few words to describe it.
What became clear, above all, is that when I am THERE, when I am vibrating among yogis and yoginis, I am abundantly joyous, happy, centered, graceful, and at peace. And I know that Life Is Good. Which is, at the end of the day, the point of Tantric Philosophy.
It all makes sense to me as I listen. There are peaks and valleys. And when we're in valleys, it's wicked easy to "vibrate" at a lower level. And, thus, to see things through a different set of lenses. But, knowing this, we need to attempt to realize our painful realities are only those we're seeing through one set of lenses and to swap out for a more favorable set, as we can.
To wit: "Life stinks. I travel too much. I don't have enough friends. I don't have a solid relationship. I don't have time to take care of myself."
Sure, these things are all true. But they're not a result of our situation, they're a result of our thoughts. Much better to realize, "I have the opportunity to explore different places. I can use travel to my advantage in this way. Now is my chance to stand up for my needs to my boss. I need X for health so I hav to fight for it."
And when you change your perception, you chance your reality. I've seen it to be true.
Of course, the challenge is, how do you KEEP vibrating with vitality, day in and day out, when you're living the life of corporationhood?
Well, my answer to that is: immerse yourself.
And so, two days from now, I am going to have the difficult discussion with CBL about taking time off to pursue my yoga training.
Because, as I joked this weekend, it's that or a nervous breakdown. And yoga is cheaper.
Not to mention, yoga is much -- MUCH -- more wonderful.
I'm not talking about giving up work. I'm really just talking about aligning my vacations with some in-depth yoga training. It can work. It will work. Because now is the time. Now is the right time. All is good. Life is good. It's time I realized it.
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