4 a.m. Craziness

It's been a weird weekend/beginningofweek. My birthday was rough. I had a good time just hanging out, don't get me wrong. But I also had a massive issue with where I'm at and where I want to be... Not just personally, but professionally and spiritually.

Good Buddy showed up. And part of me was so glad. And part of me was pissed. He showed up because I'd said to him (and I quote) "you come up because you're worried about Friend A. You come up because you're worried about Friend B. You don't come up for me. And when you do come up, you rarely "get" to see me. And, short of your son. you claim I'm your best friend."

So, he made sure I knew this time was for me.

Which is great. But here's the kicker. He didn't tell me he was coming. And then he expects me to drop everything and hang out. Don't get me wrong, the hanging out was awesome. We laughed, like we always do. We waxed philosophical, like we always do. And we napped because, well, he's a really good sleeper. It felt good to fall asleep in his arms and to wake and hear "kisses?".

Good Buddy and I work on routine. I know he's going to forget where his keys are so I always double check. And he knows what makes me laugh and he indulges that.

But a few days ago I swore this relationship had become one of my favorite episodes of
Seinfeld: I had "hand" and I wasn't gonna lose it.

Yet here I sit, 4:13 a.m. (maybe b/c we took a 2-hour nap) and despite how tired I am, I can't sleep.

My head knows how very wrong we are together. My heart is even starting to believe that. But he has a 12 year-old hold over me.

Why am I crying? Why am I up at 4 a.m.? He'd have reasons and theories for that. And some of them might be true. But I think, at the end of the day (ha!) I am grieving because I know that that 12 year-old hold may be wearing away.

A break-up is one thing. You go throught the stages of grief and move on. But how do you put years of feelings behind you and and still keep someone close to your heart? Because no matter what he's done to me and I to him, and no matter what shit we've been through, the reality remains: he knows more about me than any other human on this earth. He gets me - the light and dark of me. For whatever reason, I share with him things I would not share with the best of my friends (I wish I coud but...)

So, here I sit. A change is imminent. But why? But how? And what do I do?

And, more practically importantly, how do I get to sleep? I have work today. A work I like. But a pretty exhausting work. So, Mistress Sleep, please claim me.