Beaten Up by my own damned brain

So much going on I just don't know where to start.

It's no secret that I've had conflicted feelings about work. What with CBL trying to burden me with her insecurities and CBM trying to bully me, it's been a bit of a struggle from the beginning. The problem is, I love the company, I love the product and I really believe in the management of the business.

Which made it even more difficult on Wednesday to hear that they are completely restructuring the business and all of the Americas team should consider themselves "at risk." From a business perspective it makes complete sense. From a personal perspective, it sucks right out loud.

There are a few positions posted for the US team. And, if you're talking from a skillset point of view, I'm feeling pretty confident;. But CBM hates me - there's no hiding that. And whether or not he can make an objective decision is in decidedly in question.

Add to all of that stress - do I or don't I have a job? - Good Buddy is in town.

It got off to a rough start. We were supposed to hang last week and I had even taken the next day off "to recover." Of course, he blew me off. Worse, he lied to me about the reason why. He still thinks I'm the crazy, obsessed girl I was 12 years ago.

The good news is that I showed in no small way that not only was I not that girl, but that I was a woman with her wits and brains about her.

Still, it was a tough day. The person who probably knows me the best in the world blew me off. I understood the reason but still thought it was illegit.

Here's the last thing. Finally, last night, a much needed night of soul-bearing, confrontation-having, no-holds-barred discussion was had. It took us until about 3 a.m. But I think we wound up on the same page. We'll never see eye to eye, but at least it's all out in the open.

And now I'm in bed, typing while my Handsome Man lies next to me. All of the various and sundry events of the last week + have me second guessing everything. And while I want to just snuggle down in his arms, I will do so with a pretty conflicted heart.

SHIT.

And the Hits Just Keep On Comin

Just when you thought it was safe to go in the water...

Got a call from CBL last week - inviting me out to lunch.

I have NO idea what to expect.

1) She found out I threw her under the bus. (Sorry, but then you shouldn't have thrown temper tantrums at work)

2) She wants to give me dirt on the new boss (who was unbelievably beligerant on her last few days)

3) She wants to ask me to go "on the record" for her lawsuit against the company. (I shouldn't know this, but she handed me the retainer letter to her Attorneys at Law w/o a cover sheet. Um, YEAH, I'm gonna read it...)

So, I am feeling just a smidge nervous and awkward about today. What does one wear if they're either gonna get soda thrown in their face or sit through a free lunch and tears...?

Developments

News from the CBL front. Although I'm on vacation, several of my work friends emailed me on Monday to alert me that the new Head of Mktg position had been posted on our intranet. Also, to suggest I apply.

I'm not at all sure what I'm gonna do - in all seriousness, I think there are a few things I'd need to learn/experience before I could do a successful job. Still, I can't help but feeling a little hopeful that this is the long awaited light at the end of the tunnel.

There's clearly SOMETHING going on. I don't report to CBL anymore and neither do any of the sales team - at least not directly. She's offloaded several business relationships to others and delegated a number of important tasks to members of the team. It sure looks to me like they're making it easy for her to walk away with some measure of dignity.

And even if she doesn't get the heave-ho, there is a real likelihood that re-organization is in the wind. After all, now that marketing is starting to engage with other teams globally, wouldn't it make sense for us to all be one team?

If this all comes to pass, I will lose two monkeys off my back at once. Can anything be better?

People who challenge my statement that my life ALWAYS improves when I start getting regular reiki healing can KMA!

You Can't Fix Crazy

You know the phrase "penny wise but pound foolish?" Or, what about "Pick your battles carefully." Maybe "know what's worth falling on your sword for"?

CBL (CBFL?) clearly knows none of these.

There are several really important outstanding issues at work. Finalizing the budget spend for the rest of the year. Launching two targetted campaigns. Ensuring a successful launch of a partner-developed initiative.

What is CBL focused on? Providing the job title for a muckity-muck at one of our clients.

Since she's out of office, I offered to contact the client to get the title. No biggie, right?

Wrong.

Exhibit A: "Please do not contact them for XXX's title. I have his title on my computer. As you know, I can not access my computer at the moment. I will send it over as soon as I can. Please do not contact CLIENT. I will provide."

If your career is about to go down in flames, I know the thing I'll concentrate on is proving my ability to provide job titles. Cuz that's useful...

Still Smitten - and other reasons I'm a bad blogger

I checked back at my stats today and realized - holy shit! I'm a bad blogger! Of course, given my recent "woe is me" storyline, probably few readers left. Still, I should have more of a work ethic, I suppose.

Anyway, there are various and sundry reasons I've neglected my humble little ranting forum of late.

First off - Girlfriend be in love. Sure, it's way too early to tell how this could work out with LRMan. But, damn, I could get used to this. Can you imagine me -- ME! -- enjoying having a man fall asleep on my couch and not hating that I am washing up dishes while he snores? Holy heck - call an intervention!

Second - massive work craziness. BREAKING NEWS: CBL is now CFBL - crazy former boss lady. As of last Thursday, I now report in to a Prima Donna Sales Guy who may be equally as bad. The move makes absolutely no sense unless they are trying to remove everyone possible out from under CBL while they eradicate her. But, in the meantime, things are pretty FUBAR. Stay tuned.

I was letting this distress me for awhile, but the weekend away really did wonders. Just being at Kripalu, seeing the shining faces, integrating the joy, witnessing the nature, receiving nourishment from the food, spending way too much money on the clothes/incence/jewelry (okay, maybe not that part) is healing in and of itself. Add to that yoga, meditation and restorative and Whoosh! massive insight.

Third, it's summer! My best friend and daughter, Ma Bell, have been up to visit. Fiesta and Fourth fireworks have been showered, I've been biking and hiking and all sorts of other outdoor activities. (BTW - will have to write an entire post on the "explosive laughter" that was the BF and MB visit. It's amazing that we're not banned from CVS for life...)

So, in short, I haven't been posting, but life has been full of joy and wonder.

What I realized in part this weekend is that I should share THOSE stories too. Not just what's wrong, but what isn't wrong.

We should concentrate more on that. N'est-ce pas?

Dear Universe,

Thank you.

As you know, I had a very loooooooong two weeks, prepping and working the biggest tradeshow of the business year. And I'm tired. I was supposed to take Monday off to recuperate, but CBL couldn't do without me. As such, I'm REALLY tired.

This a.m. I felt too tired to even move. Woke up out of a bad dream an hour before the alarm went off and - due to kitties being hungry - could not go back to sleep.

By the time I got in the shower, I was literally crying I was so exhausted.

Just a few minutes later, my work phone rang. Amazing Database Administrator. A firestorm was brewing and he wanted to run his response by me. And, as always, in the process he made me laugh.

And realize once again just how many blessings I have.

So, Universe, thanks for having my back.

"Therapy Speech"

It's kind of a joke among many of my friends that, when one is in therapy for awhile, one develops "therapy speech.' (or, as Sheldon on BBT would say, "one can also get beat up in high school for referring to oneself as "one"...) Therapy speech is basically using the language of talk therapy in everyday life where, unfortunately, not everyone is so blessed or priveleged as you and is not currently "In Treatment."

Today, I caught myself using therapy speech. A friend asked me how things were going.

"Pretty good. I had a bit of a backslide this weekend, but I realized it, acknowledged it, found my center again and forgave myself for forgetting myself momentarily."

OK - maybe it's not QUITE as corny as that. But still, it is pretty corny.

Which is why it amazes me so much that it works.

I really did see myself backsliding this weekend. After a week of 24x7 CBL and "team bonding" with the work group, I pretty much felt emotionally ambushed. That on top of a really insane travel schedule and I was in danger of losing sight of the me that is me.

But, I managed to wake up this a.m., recite my mantra in the shower (hey, that way the roomie can't hear it) and take the steps I need to take to take care of myself.

Including bringing a travel alarm clock to the office to make sure I don't miss yoga!

So, it sounds new age, fluffy bunny, touchy feely, but this stuff works.

And, then, of course, I took an amazing yoga class where the instructor assisted me no less than three times. We did lots of poses that I can easily do (encouraging) and many poses I need to work on (challenging) and managed to hit a great balance so I walked out of there glowing.

And I've got a bike ride planned for the a.m. Altho - if I'm as sore tomorrow as I was last Tuesday, maybe more yoga is what the doctor orders...

Damn Leftist Elitists

So, I'm almost halfway through Team Bonding Extravaganza 2010 Part One. I hate this shit. I like some of the people I work with. I love some of the people I work with. I hate some of the people I work with. And others? Well, it's wicked complicated.

(And yes, I know there are many dangling participles in the previous 'graph. Deal.)

So this Group Hug shit drives me wicked crazy.

Regardless. Or irregardless. (They mean the same thing btw.) We all went to Blue Man Group tonite. Just so happens I wind up sitting next to CBL.

Not going to pretend the show wasn't mesmerizing. The "actors" were phenomenal. And even though the show was a visual and aural extravaganza, I also was really blown away by the social and metaphorical commentary the show offered.

Or maybe that was just me.

Because CBL sat there and laughed and giggled at the silly bits and couldn't seem to understand why I was disturbed at some bits or gleeful at others.

So, yes, I spent a lot of the show evaluating and comparing my reaction to the performance to the reaction of those around me. Which, I guess, is pretty Meta. And I guess I'm still on the fence about whether this is a good thing or bad thing.

But I do know that it made me realize I am glad that I have friends who could go out for coffee with me after this show and discuss/debate the meaning behind the cool drumming, the boggling blacklight effects, the atmospheric use of audience participation, A community to evaluate the commentary on decadence/consumerist nature of society, the duality of seeing and being seen, the effects of conformity and non-conformity, and the commercialization of art.

Because CBL thought it was just really funny to see a bunch of guys force feeding Cap'n Crunch.

I saw an expose on the commercialization and devaluation of consumption and the loss of communal values.

Does this make me a damn elitist? Probably. Am I glad that it does? Probably. But the jury is still out on the issue...

Isn't it funny?

I sent around an email on Tuesday, alerting my team that, "As of Thursday, 12 noon EDT, I will be off phone, offline, off radar as I will be stalking myself some Norwegian musicians. I will return to the office on Monday. I will return to Earth sometime next month."

And so I was rightfully surprised when my BB rang today and showed a Boston office number. There were two possibilities. CBL or awesome new hire (ANH). I took my chances. It turned out great.

ANH apologized right left and center for calling me. But there was a bit of a debaucle and she was concerned about how to handle it. And, although, yes I am technically of radar, I wasn't at all troubled about talking her through it. I told her in unmistakable terms, that it was fine that she called me, she could free to call me again if she needed to, that she was handling it correctly and that IT WAS ALL GOOD.

I felt great after the phonecall. The crisis was averted, she was comfortable again and all was even more right with the world. (Yes, still on cloud one hundred and nine from last night!)

I even admitted to her that I was still lounging in bed in my hotel room. And she had words of wisdom to offer me: "This weekend you should live for the night and not for the day." Man, I love her!

That being said, if the phonecall HAD been from CBL, I think I would have ripped her hair out from the roots and made her eat it.

Isn't it funny how different people and different approaches can affect your behavior in such different ways?

Hmmmmm

Been having a complicated week. Lots of stress w/ Good Buddy - altho he's finally owned up and said, yes, he screwed up and this pretty much was all his fault. Some stress w/ work peeps, altho that's also pretty much resolved itself. And then mucho happiness w/ a 15 mile bike ride, some ocean gazing, a hike and beach walking in bare feet.

So, good times, bad times, in between times.

What I have realized is that I CAN be in control of my life. Whether I am making decisions that will be for my higher good or not, they are decisions I am making. I'm not being tossed about by the waves any longer.

I know, for example, that I have more than 30 emails from CBL in my inbox. But it is Sunday. The Lord's day of rest (grin). And so I shan't look at them until tomorrow. Afternoon, because I have a mtg starting at nine. And that's when the work day begins. And my time is my time.

I also know that the best thing for me to be doing right now is to be out enjoying the sunshine and warmth. But right now, I feel like hunkering down in the dark, cuddling w/ my kitties and being sad. Not despondent, but sad. So that is what I will do.

All in all, feeling this way is a good thing. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

Amen and Hallelujia!

Again, why do I do this to myself?

Can't sleep tonite. Welcome back, insomnia girl. The new meds - altho technically not "contraindicated" don't react well w/ the sleeping pills. So, I lay me down, book in hand, soft music playing, meditation reciting and still... It's 6:04 and seriously, not a wink.

Not boding well for the noon yoga class tomorrow.

Here are the things keeping me from sleep.

• A 26-page journal entry (bear in mind the pages really aren't that big) to GoodBuddy. I thought I'd covered all of it - in a healthy and rational way. And then I read some of the emails in my "drafts" folder. I was mad. And pretty rightly so. A lot of it was my insanity. But a lot of it was his inability to deal with things. And one fed off another fed off another and soon you have a vicious circle. So where does that leave my healthy 26-page, non-angry, objective journal entry?
• Facebook cruising. Why do I do this? Everyone I know is married, most with children. I look at honeymoon photos and they all seem so much happier than mine. Sure, a discussion with a really good friend once ended in, "but you don't want that. I know you don't. You've told me how many times you love travelling on your own, living on your own, not having to offer excuses or explanations - not to mention respnsibilites of children - to anyone. It's a choice, girl, not a demand. Live your life according to YOUR happiness, not anyone else's. And, yes, that's totally true. But I know and you - dear reader - know that single, childless women are STILL regarded as somehow... unfulfilled, defective, insufficient. F*** I wish I didn't care what other people thought
• Novel reading. I sincerely thought Drood was a labor in stubborness. So many people said it was a page turner and I thought - ugh - no way. Now, can't put it down. Scarabs in his head?
• And speaking of which - there has been some major cockroad activity - and generally bugginess - going on. A big honkin cockroach crawling along my ceiling. The ever-present cockroaches in my office. The buzzing of the mosquito in my ear tonight (my windows ARE open, but still, isn't it kind of early?). And the feeling that I've got creepy crawlies all over me. Not sure if that's the result of all the bug talk going on of late w/ CBL and others in the office, or the Reiki detox, or what. But yuck! I hate it. Itching everywhere and constantly checking for bugs when I logically know there are none.
• Finally, the work issue. What with my hard drive eating itself, the craziness of the P.O. non-process, managing the Awesome New Hire (have to come up w/ an acronym for her, I've been flat out. CBL wants to talk about things like what are we going to do for our "fun" activity in mid-May. I want to get all the crap that I need to get done, done. Like registering everyone for another important conference when early bird registration ends Friday. Or updating the Partner Status Plan that she asked for yesterday (when I had no computer so, sorry you're SOL.) Instead, I got an hour of her 3oth High School Reunion planning, a bunch of time on office gossip and then, finally, to work. I'm trying my best to stay focused and mindful of the situation, but it IS a bit tough when you have goals to meet.

So, here I am, almost 6:20 am and nothing to show for it. An entire night gone. Sure, I read some, wrote a lot (a lot a lot) and played a little bit of some gaming. Sheesh - my morning radio program started 19 minutes ago!

My heart tells me to TXT GoodBuddy and see how he's doing. My head tells me no. He was in a rough place last night, so probably best to let it lie...

Now, the question is, do I try to sleep for three hours, or just suck it up and stay awake today?

Hmmm....

PS

Forgot to mention. I only had 717 emails. Damn, I lose Powerball again!

Finding Yourself

So, on Monday, I met with Awesome Therapist. And I had this to offer: "My alarm went off this morning, I went downstairs, put on my morning radio program (I have admitted to being a talk radio geek, right?) and sat down to have my breakfast. But something felt weird. And then I realized, I didn't have my laptop in front of me."

Of course, she was shocked. Most normal people would be shocked. But the reality is, I get so many emails from CBL from 7 pm to 6 am that if I didn't start the day that early, how on earth could I catch up?

What this week has shown me is -- who cares? If she sends so many emails that I can't deal with them and my daily tasks, then I don't. I am way more important than her emails. My life, my happiness, my very existence, is way more important.

And to that point, GoodBuddy. He's in town but has found countless and innumerable things to occupy his time other than see me. I know that he's putting it off because he would rather not - or more likely can not - deal with ... this. Whatever this is or was. And tonight I basically called him out. We were supposed to see each other. Then, we were supposed to call each other. And then he forget. As per usual.

The reality is, I keep looking in the rearview when I need to look through my telescope.

He's no good for me. He brought out that what was worst in me. He's hard --- Deal with it, get over it, life sucks move on -- whereas I prefer to soften to grace -- life may be hard, but there is a lesson to be learned. Soften to grace and you can find that your soul sings the song of The Universe. There is a balance between opening up and muscle-ing up, and a full life requires a balance between the two. Or, as Anusara Yoga puts it, Muscular Energy and Organic Energy.

Anusara teaches that it is all about Hugging in, and Radiating out. Strength and Softening. In Ardo Mukha, (downward dog) if you are all strength and no soften, you will stress the shoulders and the wrists. But if you feel the balance between the two, you may feel some DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) but you will not injure yourself.

GoodBuddy would find all of that "who ha" -but I find it real and powerful and that's why I found myself sitting on a rock in the sunshine, laughing and crying at the same time.

Once upon a time, he had the time and the interest to focus on these matters of the spirit. Now he is all about fixating on his future. As TNH puts it, we are very good about planning for our life, but not very good at living it.

I have so many people in my life that are not very good for me. It's no wonder I have lost focus on my center. But every day I shall do the work of "breathing in calm and breathing out a smile." Hopefully that will help. Hopefully that will keep the joy in my life.

Namaste.

I went hiking today and saw sorrel springing from the ground and buds reaching out from trees. I could see the first sprouting of fiddleheads and the scampering of robins and summer birds. I have to own all these parts of myself and love who I am. I cannot deny them any longer. I cannot allow someone else to tell me what they want and bow to that. I MUST follow my own bliss.

If you haven't read Peace is Every Step, I highly recommend you do. As someone who counts Dandelion as an herbal ally, this poem spoke powerfully to me:

I have lost my smile
But don't worry
The dandelion has it.

As Thich Nhat Hanh writes, If you have lost your smile, yet still are capable of knowing the dandelion holds if for you, things cannot be that bad."

Tomorrow, I return to work. My guess is that I have 727 emails. My mailbox probably shut down around 600, but that doesn't stop some people. I will get to as many as I can. And then, at 5:30, I will turn my computer off and head to yoga. Because I am more important. My life is more important. And it's time I started living that.

New Blossoms

It's been a complicated a couple of weeks.

I've had two pretty serious meltdowns. The first resulted in not so favorable circumstances, although I did get 13 hours of sleep.

The second resulted in exactly what I needed.

I've not been paying attention to what I need. I've been staying at work when I should be shutting down and going to yoga. I've been spending Sundays in front of the computer working on plans, budgets or communications.

I have in no way, shape or form been respecting who or what I am.

Add to that the fact that my family has been a basic shit and GoodBuddy shut me down because he couldn't handle admitting to me he'd found a new girlfriend.

In the midst of being constantly barraged by work, no rest and no support from the people I'd relied on to be my support and validation, I had a meltdown. Which resulted in me experiencing life in the emergency room and the psych ward.

Which would have been bad enough. But I kept being barraged by CBL (what part of I can't answer the phone because I'm in the hospital do you not understand?), kept being avoided by GoodBuddy and suffered unrelenting defensiveness and resistance from the parental units. Add one plus one plus one and you equal second nervous breakdown.

Luckily, this time was different. I was able to call on a friend who was nearby and accessible. Who not only could but was interested in making the journey to assist me. (Not to dismiss my other friends who stepped in during my first crisis. But there REALLY are time and distance obsticals.) Instead of being judged by a cold, distant triage bitch, I got held and comforted by a true friend. Instead of spending the night under an itchy, thin hospital blanket, I was held by someone who listened without judgement and fell asleep holding my hand.

More than that, we got to hang out the whole next day. No, it was not slam bang thank you ma'am, as nothing at all sexual happened. As if I was in any condition to deal with that. But I was made to feel no guilt or shame for the emotional firestorm of the meltdown. It was what it was, it was real and, hey, if there are still tears, let them come.

I have lots of thinking to do. I have lots of work I have to do to repair the damage I and others have done to my soul. I need to re-evaluate the role others have in my life and the expectations and hopes I have for them. And how I react if and/or when my personal projections are different than reality.

What I've realized more than anything is that I owe myself the respect of honoring myself. Whether that means taking a yoga class or admitting I need to work from home more than one day a week, or taking more walks around my island, has yet to be seen. But I know I need to disconnect and spend some more time teasing out the tangle of my thoughts and my feelings.

I don't want to run away. I don't want to disengage. I don't want to pretend that I have deep thoughts, a healthy perspective, or an introspective understanding. I want to live that truth. I've got a long way to go. But it's not an impossible path. Just one that takes commitment and belief.

Let the Sun Shine In

Hello all,

Well, yes indeedy, it's been an awfully long time since I posted. And, I am VERY happy to say, it's because I've been very busy. Not, as you might expect, keeping up with work (although that has been keeping me on my toes), but also with a SOCIAL LIFE. Yes, folks, seriously.

Here's the deal. About a month ago, I found a prescribable person (a nurse pracittioner) who actually LISTENED to my story, examined my history and made a judicious and reasoned decision about the medicines I was/am on. You see, it seems that although the anti-depressants I first went on seemed to help, given my condition (and I am not ashamed to admit to the diagnosis of bi-polar, look it up, descartes, dickins, carrie fisher - great company all!), anti-depressants by themselves often tend to exacarbate the condition in the longtime. However, when combined with additional meds - voila! And I have to tell you - I feel great!

I've gone out to a Reiki workshop and met amazing people. I've been to the Cape Ann Farmers Market board meeting, I've met up with friends I haven't seen in years, I've taken day trips, I've eagerly enjoyed lunches out with the girls....

I realize that these things seem par for the daily course of normal human beings. But for someone who was lurking in her "cave" - my bedroom with blinds and dark curtains drawn - under her bedcovers as long as could reasonably be allowed and who avoided any and all contact with the unkown outside world, these steps are huge, affirming and, frankly, amazing.

And, if that is not enough, CBL isn't driving me crazy. Yes, she's still insane. Yes, she is still up to her antics. But whatevs. She is what she is and I yam what I yam and ... I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a VeggieBurger today.

So, yes, I still drink my herbal teas and eat my kale every morning. But there is indeed something to be said for reasonable, considered, and measured meds.

I pulled open the curtains today and saw the bright sunshine and let it shine on my face.

How Can I Sleep With Your Voice In My Head?

Back and almost back to normal. Still slightly jet lagged - I have no idea what day or time it is, but is that really important?

I feel a tangible difference between how I felt pre-London and now. My shoulders are visibilly less hunched, my voice audibly less tight. There are so many things that likely have contributed to this.

I love the UK. My soul sings over there. People seem nicer. Culture seems sharper. Fashion is more forgiving (curves are good!). Food seems more varied (despite the dependance on mayo). Music is more my type, comedy is more my type, news is more inclusive, focus is less exclusive. Suffice to say, I want to be based there. For sure. For ever.

I love the people I work with. I know this is a shock, but the people I work with are smart and funny and sweet and caring. And they seem to actually like me and respect the work I do. Without questioning me or second-guessing me or micromanaging me. It's refreshing.

All that validation in one week. And then there's these two additional factors.

One. I threw CBL under the bus. No safety blanket. I met with HR and told them what's what. It was a risky move, but I finally came to the realization that it was her or my sanity. And, well...

Two. I am going to see A-ha. Live. And in concert. Two nights in a row. There have always been four people in this world that I have longed to see. Eddie Izzard. Check. Mikhail Baryshnikov. Check. Morrissey. Check. Morten Harkett. dot dot dot

Now is my chance.

There's also some stress in the week ahead. For one, GoodBuddy lands at Logan tomorrow for a few days. I am not honestly 100% certain that I am happy about this. But, as always, it will be good for a story or two.

Stay tuned.

Some Changes

A week-long stint in my most favoritist place in the world is coming to an end. Sadness ensues. But also happiness. Because I really like the peeps I've been priveleged to spend time with and I had much laughter. Also much sneezing as a head cold has been riding around with me for the past three days, but even that's been tolerable. I got to see a wonderful friend who I haven't seen in 8 years, learned more about my colleagues and myself, and generally had a lovely time.

I was also - very kindly - warned that this blog may be a bit "too familiar" for the comfort of our Corporate Parental Units. So, you might see some changes to make it slightly harder to track. And you might see a fair fewer amount of CBL stories - although, never fear, they will still be shared.

I just don't want to get fired before she does.

I'll have more stories of my travels and wanderings once I get home. Jet lag will inevitably ensue and I am sure much of this weekend will be spent in bed, curled up with the kittens.

Irony

Due to the political situation in Mexico (read: drug cartels firing bullets in any public street at any given time of day), shipments and deliveries are being delayed.

So, despite the fact that I got to spend six hours putting together folders of informational materials whilst CBL watched, she will now have to put together her own packets of materials.

Take that Bi-Otch!

A Tale in Two Parts

So, I have yet another tale to tell. This one will be in two parts. One happy. One not so much. Such is life.

So, yesterday, I had a total Losers' Club day.

Started off with a 7:30 am conference call, taken on the 7:33 train into Boston (express from Salem!).

Two hour meeting with CBL to go through budgets, punctuated about every 20 minutes with her telling me wildly inappropriate stories about my coworkers and her boss.

Then, the fit really hit the shan. We - make that I - needed to pull together materials for an upcoming "train the trainers" event happening in Mexico next week. Basically, we need to teach people how to teach people who teach people. There will be 20 of these "Master Trainers" in attendance. I had to create ONE folder for all of the trainers to use during their training and ONE sample folder of all of the materials they would be handing out when they actually started training people themselves. The problem is, a lot of the documents were duplicates. And some looked only very slightly different. It has to get to MX by Saturday so it HAD to leave yesterday. It was an operational nightmare.

So, I'm in the midst of all of this chaos, documents piling up around me, the phone ringing off the hook, me walking miles in circles around my cube (in heels because "sneakers are inappropriate workplace attire) putting together packets of information... At one point CBL comes in to ask me, "um, what's the name of the marketing platform we use again?" I was at that very moment on the phone with one of my copy/print companies telling them they produced 2x as many of one doc we needed and none of another doc we needed. I looked at ye olde CBL and nearly screamed. "Um. Can't do this now. Sorry. No." And turned back to my phonecall.

Later, I did actually her office, armpit sweat-stained and hair disheveled to answer her question (whilst waiting for alluded to document arriving). This must have kicked in the guilt genome because a few minutes later, she came over to my office, leaned in the doorway and casually asked (as I wore treads into the carpet) "anything I can do to help?" Um, yea. Join the assembly line, bitch.

OK, so, finally I get it all done, boxed up and ready to go. Oh yea - the mailroom guys are all new so I have absolutely no confidence at all that it's going to get there on time. But que sera sera.

I missed the 6:30 train, no matter, I'll catch up on email. Ten minutes to 7 - before the lights go out and the cockroaches come out - I left the building. I hoof it to the train station, stopping in at a nearby burrito joint on the way to get a veggie burrito to go.

The guy behind me orders a chicken burrito and we kill the more than 10 minutes waiting making small talk about the crazy weather, the election, and the earthquake relief efforts.

I get to the train station, tired, cranky, dissheveled and hungry. I unwrap my burrito and take a huge, honkin bite.

It's the chicken burrito.

I barely make it to the public bathroom in time to vomit and then begin dry heaving. Have I mentioned, the last time I ate meat was almost 20 years ago and the meal that turned me was chicken?

So, yes, folks, that was my day. I finally made it home, 14 and a half hours after leaving it. I was cranky, I was clammy, I was hungry, I was tired, and I was sore. But, it also gave me the best line of the year.

Me to BFF: "I have to tell you my Losers' Club story. I swear, I think I had a worse day than Martha Coakley."

BFF to me: "Niiiiiiiice!"

Eye Opening

Heya.

It's been long time 'twixt posts. Which, of course, makes me think of Twix. Which makes me think of YUM.

I've been on the road a lot. And, granted, some of this was nominally "for fun" but much of it was for work. And due to current emotional/mental climates, none of it really did me any good.

I got to see GoodBuddy. And this was good. And Bad. I'm not in the best place emotionally and clearly neither is he. (He'd argue that, but fuck you). So, yes, there were the best of times and there were the worst of times. I still truly believe that this move is not in his best interest, but I understand why he needs to give it his all and how many positive things can come from it.

I am also feeling - shocking enough - like I might be rounding a corner in my own well being. Yes, I'm still finding it hard to get up in the monings, much less get out to work, pressed and dressed, and actually care about what I'm doing. But, I can remember what it was like to care and I am experiencing the desire to go back there, so that is good.

I'm reading Mary Forsberg's Fall to Pieces (link at later date) and finding it very compelling. Even laughable how fucking similar our situations can be - her an LA model marroied to an international movie star, me a nobody from nowhere - but still....

I need to get some rest tonight because part of my new years resolution was to make the most of my mental health efforts. And I get to see Awesome Therapist tomorrow. In a few weeks I will visit London and that will no doubt do me a world of good.

I will try to update soon with more. Sorry I've been so MIA.