Monday, August 08, 2011

Having Mono

I had Mono as a kid. Don't know how or who I got it from. But it was a series of briefly being awake and mostly being asleep. And the awake part was a grumbling of "I wish I were dead."

Those grumblings didn't really mean I wished I were dead. Just that the symptoms were so yucky that any relief was welcome.

Fast forward.

I finally got around to writing my goodbye letter to Peeps. People get a eulogy, why not pets who've played a huge part in our lives? but writing it broke my heart and reading it and knowing I will give it to the ocean, well.... Heartbreak.

Then, I finally wrote a letter to Good Buddy. I tried to set up the what's what. He's read it and assured me, yes, we're okay. But as for the rest.

Finally, I've found myself email bound once again. This was a habit initiated by CBL. And my initial relief from it was profound. So why now...? Maybe it's because I've felt it's time for me to dip my toes back into the "formal" job world. Even though it's a different direction I've decided to take, I might just be hoping for a response. Or maybe it's because, right now, I'm in that "sosickIwanttodie" mode that email or FB is my only link...

So, all of this lends me to being prone to hanging out in bed. My brain knows that, of course, I don't want to die. But the part of me that keeps crying and thinking and analyzing is tired. It has brain mono. I want to let it sleep. But I don't know which is more healthy - giving into the sleep or getting the fuck up and saying fuck you to all the shit in my life right now.


Conformity to be or not to be?

During yet another night of insomnia (seriously?) I was waxing nostalgic. I was trying to remember the moves to a certain cheer (yes, I was a cheerleader) that we did in H.S.

While looking on FB for former cheerleading friends, I noticed that so many (read: all) were married with children. Just like the sitcom said. And for a moment, I was sad.

I am not married. I don't have children. What was wrong with me?

And then I realized: Fucking Nothing.

I don't want kids. 1) the world does not need more people. 2) I don't actually like kids. 3) I have a lot of stuff on my plate that I love that, if I had kids, would have to wait another 2o years give or take.

I was married. Didn't like it much. I wander a bit here and there and fluctuate in my ... desires. OK - I'm a hedonist. And until I find someone that I love enough to share a hedonistic lifestyle with (and it can be done, witness Ultimate Leo Party 2011) well, not so much with the interest.

I was often berated in school for not being "non-conformist enough" to be "non-conformist." But here I am, unmarried, childless and still searching for meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything. So who's non-conformist now bitches?

And in all of this - I do NOT in any way demean those who have partners, jobs, children, careers. I admire those who can and do. I'm just saying, for me, not so much. And I'm TOTALLY okay with that.

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