Monday, December 31, 2007

On 2008 As It Approaches

I went for a walk on the beach last night. I love walking along the ocean at night. Everything blends together, merges into a single, united entity, ocean, sky, sand. It makes me feel like I am the last human being on earth.

It was a really nice way to kick off the New Year's celebration, which to me always feels like a non-event. For the past who knows how many years, I've "celebrated" alone. Me, my kitties, a bottle of champagne and the amazing Spinach Artichoke Dip. It sounds sad and pathetic, but really, it's not.

I like to use the night to think about the past year and what I would like for the year ahead. Not that it makes any difference. So many things happen and there's just no controlling it. Last year, would I have ever believed that I would be moving again, living on the ocean, working at an ad agency, alone again against the world? Not on your life. And some of these things I didn't even know I wanted, but am so glad about. And some, well, not so much.

Life has an almost insane way of winding you up, spinning you out, and sitting back and laughing as you teeter off into your new direction.

But that's what makes it all so much fun.

I have no idea what 2008 will hold. I would really like to be 33 and Debt Free. I would really like to get certified again to teach exercise classes. I might even be inspired by Crazy Aunt Purl and take up knitting.

I look back on 2007 and the only thing I know for sure about it is, I learned a whole heckuva lot about myself. So, here's to another successful year.

Friday, December 28, 2007

When Good Flirting Goes Bad

Well, I survived Christmas. And while it wasn't the jolliest of holidays for me, it wasn't all that bad either. The Nutcracker was a highpoint with what might have been the most unbelievably gorgeous Waltz of the Flowers ever. I had tears running down my cheeks the entire time. I gave a good bounty, got a good bounty, and the four days were survived with a minimum of drama. All in all, a successful time.

Upon returning to life in the real world, well, it's a little of this and a little of that. Superficially, all should be really really well. I have a great house, a great job, fabulous bosses, amazing kitties, and I'm really progressing with my yoga. But I'm still kinda down in the dumps.

One thing that massively helped with the blues: dinner and drinks with Keebs.

Keebs is a friend from a long time ago. I don't see her nearly enough. Sure, we talk enough on IM and through texting, but it's not the same.

Tonight, we hang out. She gave me bling, I gave her bling. The bling she gave me was way better - I feel massively guilty.

We had such a great time. I know that there is a common reaction to girls who are extra loud at a bar. But we were seriously, legitimately laughing out loud. C'mon -- we're two girls in advertising and there was a cute bartender and a bottle of DiSaronno. Do you NOT see the funny in that?

Still, I guess we were a little too loud. Because at one point, I tried to engage Le Cute Bartender. To decidedly no avail. And given that we'd just left him a $10 tip on a $30 tab, that was a little wierd. And, yea, it bugged me out.

I should be the kind of person that knows that hanging with a good friend and sharing very real belly laughs with her should be enough. I should be the kind of person that doesn't care about a random, stranger bartender's reaction to my existence.

So why was I so ticked off?

I guess, because I'm only human. And I'm only female.


Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Merry KwanzYulAnaka

Tis the season to be jolly. And to get caught up in commercialism. And other isms. Especially (if you're a Blowhard O'Reilly fan) getting caught up in hating secularism. There's been a lot of loaded rhetoric regarding religion swirling around my life lately. I'm not sure what to make of it, but here's some examples:

I'm still reading Lamb. And still loving it.

There was a story on NPR about a woman who prefers to sing Eagles tunes in the public park instead of caroling.

There was the bru-ha-ha about the Connecticut Valley Atheists and their poster.

There's the omnipresent "Mother Who Has God on Speed Dial" issues.

And then there's my friend at work who's having MIL issues b/c she is convinced if he and his wife don't raise their sons Christian, they're evil.

I'm not sure why there's so many people out there offended at this time of year because they're religion isn't accepted/adopted/respected by people of other (or no) religion. Just because it's a holy day to you, doesn't mean that everyone has to suddently "see the light."

It's especially apparent to me this year because I am completely unable to get into the "holiday spirit." Despite all my best intentions - and efforts - I'm pretty darn depressed. Christmas just doesn't seem to mean as much when you don't have someone(s) special to share it with. And although I have such wonderful, caring, supportive friends and family, let's face it. I live in a new town and work in a new job and don't have a whole lot of day-to-day meaningful interactions with people I can physically see.

But I what isn't surprising is how buying lots of trinkets and toys isn't doing anything to lift my spirits. Somehow I'm having a hard time worrying about buying my mother another DVD when there are lots of families in town far worse off than I (hopefully) will ever be.

I think this post on a message board says it pretty well:

Maybe it's not Atheists who are perpetrating the "War on Christmas," Maybe it's Hallmark and Wal Mart and Best Buy who pump all those snowy, cheery, fun-filled ads for gift ideas into their heads, all before their overindulgent sugar-high wears off from trick-or-treating. And in case you haven't noticed, they're all using "Holidays" in their commercials because they have a panel of public relations experts who realize that there are a lot of people who don't get down with Jesus that spend a lot of money in December.

Even if you think Jesus is the Reason for the Season, the original reason for the season - in whichever religion you belong to - was to celebrate the return of the light. And to help bring the light into all aspects of our lives and others. And not to, say, go shopping.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Stone You Can't Get Blood From and Other Quotes

A collection of random thoughts which, if I weren't so mentally exhausted, might tie together in a cohesiveness. (I coalesce the vapors of human existence into a viable and meaningful logic. Oh, a Bullshit artist!)

I am extremely, severly, and massively broke. This would not quite be the case if old landlord got off his duff and mailed me the check for the almost $2000 he owes me. And I've called him about this. Twice. To no end, alas. And I know that I should really be more emphatic. After all, I never asked for more time when I wrote out my rent check. But everytime I think about that, there's the little voice of Alastair Sim in my head. "Did I ask for more time in loaning you the money? You'd be in no better position to pay me if it were the middle of a heat wave on an August Bank Holiday." What to do?

I got my eyebrows waxed today. And had a great time chatting w/ the beautician who has a similar situation to the Mr. Zips debaucle. Except she put up with hers for four years. He lived with her rent free, utilities free, chore free for three years. No questions asked. It really makes me wonder why women feel like they need to deal with sub-par situations. What do we lack in self-esteem or self-worth that we will put up with so much for such inferior repayment? (And I'm not only talking about the money here. It's also that women spend so much energy thinking of the other person and - it seems - so often get little consideration in return. But that's my own unresolved baggage...) And why? I have no answers. But she was very nice. And she's a waitress at the local Outback and offered to set me up w/ a part time gig, should I feel its' necessary. It's not like I really want to work at a beef joint, but it could pay some bills for a few weeks anyway. Of course, hilarity could ensue:

Scene: waitress approches man at a table in a crowded restaurant. Man: "Are your steaks here good?" Waitress: "Well, that depends. Do you call dead flesh rotting between your teeth and the environmental destruction that comes from synthetic hormones and antibiotics polluting our ecosystem good? Then, yeah, our steaks are AWESOME. Like a hot dog."

Do I really want to sell out and work at a steak restaurant? No. But I also don't want to have a -$84 balance in my account two days away from payday ever again..

I hate that this whole month seems to revolve around money. Instead of spending energy caring about others. That I am caught up worrying about bank accounts instead of how I can spread love and cheer among humanity. Alas, "Make a buck, make a buck."

It reminds me of the brilliant words from the late Mr. Douglas Adams:
This planet has—or rather had—a problem, which was this: most of the people on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Is That a Bottle of Bud in Your Pocket?

So, I've long maintained that I've had a touch of the psychic. Chalk another one up for the Kalesmeister.

Yesterday, I had *that* distinct feeling. The antsy, edgy, frenetic feeling I get when something is about to go down in my life of a personal nature. I can trace this feeling all the way back to RowerMan - and that's a LONG time ago.

But for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what was bringing this feeling on. There was no reason to expect that anything monumental would be going down.

Then, at 4 o'clock a blast from the past showed up on IM.

This guy is supposed to be dead. Seriously. I kid you not. Five years ago - when we saw each other last - he informed me that he had months, if not weeks, to live.

So I was a bit shocked when he invited me out for drinks.

I went. And after an hour and change of Losers Club Tries to Give Old Flame Directions to the TGI Fridays in Woburn .... we met up.

All in all, it was a great time. I stayed out way past my bedtime, but the evening was five years in the making. And although I look worse for the wear this a.m., I still probably look a lot better than he does. A life of scuba diving and Bud Light isn't a recipe for well-being. On the other hand, practicing yoga every day and cutting way back on the Jack Daniels has been pretty good to me.

That all said - he's still wickedly funny, insanely intelligent, disarmingly sweet and not all that bad on the eyes. It's nice to know that he's clearly still thinking about me after all this time.

It was a huge confidence builder. Just what I needed as I prepare to make my entrance onto the North Shore social scene come the new year.

And it didn't suck that he still makes me laugh and still turns me on. Who knows, he might even call me again. If he calls, that would be nice. He's got two boats now, so at the very least, I could get some playtime on the water. If he doesn't call, well, he picked up the tab so it wasn't a complete loss.

It sounds so cynical when I write it all down. But, knowing that when he walked out of my life last I became a bourbon-soaked lump of worthless-feeling despondency, it feels pretty good to know he can walk in or out and all I'm worried about is the few hours of laughs and good conversation I might get out of it.

Look at me, bein all strong!

And, now, for a nap...

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

The Secret

I was chatting with a good friend yesterday about her "issues" with her current boyfriend which, in a lot of ways, resemble some of the issues I had with Mr. Zips. I guess a lot of this stuff is hardwired for men and women. Yeah, yeah, Venus/Mars - I know.

Talking with her, I once again found myself disliking this man, even though I've met him and he seems very nice. You see, she only tells me about their problems. The stuff he does that bothers/annoys/upsets her. Or the ways in which he doesn't meet her needs. I very seldom hear about the great things he says or does that make him a great boyfriend. And so, since I only hear one side, I wind up not liking him very much.

I know that I often did the same with her regarding my relationship w/ Mr. Zips. I kinda do it the same way for this blog and my entire life.

I went through today and peeked at some (very) old posts on a whim. And, altho there are a decent number of posts about how happy I am or how good life is, there's also a lot of posts where I'm bitching, moaning, and otherwise whining. (But I always try to do it in a funny way. Well, at least, sorta...)

Why do we, as humans, so often vocalize the negative? Why, when people ask how things are, do we immediately launch into how tired/frustrated/achey/etc. we are?

Wouldn't it be better to launch into how wonderful and beautiful life is?

Resolved: from this moment forward I will do my best to see the glass as half full.

This weekend, Deb quoted this from Marianne Williamson. I think it says it all:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

All I Want for Christmas...

I pretty much got this weekend....

An amazing day of yoga on Saturday. Class with Deb was (shocking!) amazing and the meditation about "Living a Radical Life" was (more shocking!) exactly what I needed. And while the asana portion of the class wasn't as difficult as I was hoping, it was really great to spend time focusing on the precise alignments and universal principals. (That said, if I don't do another chutarunga for a couple of days, I'll be a VERY happy camper!)
And today, I went up to Rockport w/ HypnoGal and Mrs. H. Much fun was had as we oogled sparkly things. HypnoGal even gave me an awesomenessly awesome housewarming gift - a matted and framed B&W photo of a beautiful Misty Tree that she took herself. How perfect! It's definitely getting pride of place in my wonderful new apartment.

And as we chatted and walked and sipped our coffee, I was struck again by how amazing it is that I live here.

I feel so unbelievably blessed. This is, for sure, what the holidays are all about. Health, happiness, comfort, joy.

Here's some photo memories:

HypnoGal shows off MadSkilllz

Gull and Boat on Bearskin Neck
PS -- Forgot to mention the guy that works in the Tibetan store.... We anticipate having to do much purchasing of Tibetan goods this year.... *grin*