Wednesday, March 30, 2011

As a woman who, as a child,was once spoiled by her dad, I have many wonderful memories. Even more so now that I have found happiness and he has found some sense of equalibriam. Popps - I will never forget or dismiss the feelings of love and home and joy when you sang me this to sleep. Poppo Soppo San, Ichi Ban

So much good - so little bad

But why do we focus on the bad? I'm not Thich Nat Han or Depak Chopra, so I don't know. I just know what is for me. I've had an awesome week full of job offers and friend making and fitness goal-reaching. So why, at 11:30 pm - am I stressing about the fact that GoodBuddy is steadily making his way up the East Coast Seaboard? I told him outright that I need to do some thinking about whether or not seeing him would do me any good. Sure, I want (desperately want) to see him. But would the harm outweigh the good? After all, that's what my entire session with Awesome Therapist was about this week. There are things that annoy or disturb or dissapoint us. And sometimes, they're unbearable. But sometimes they are the price we pay for a greater good. It is the job of a healthy mind to distinguish the two. So what do I do now? I have no idea. And although this has been one of the most fantastic weeks of my recent life, I'm still unsure. I feel like I'm strong enough to see him and hold my own and not freak out. But I worry that my love (and we all know absence makes the heart grow fonder...) will cloud my judgement. I want more than anything to see him. Hold him. Smell that scent that is uniquely his, hear the laugh that is uniquely his. But what price will I have to pay for that experience? I worry that the price is too high... Details to follow

Friday, March 25, 2011


Tomorrow is a big day for me.

Tomorrow marks a very significant day in my life.

A year ago tomorrow, I had a nervous breakdown.

I couldn't say those words at the time. Corporate America doesn't like them. They suggest weak and sick and insane.

What they suggested to me was that I was in a toxic environment (for me at least) and needed to get the hell out.

It took me almost a full year to get out - and only then by force.

But here I am, a year later and exponentially happier. I have friends. I have a dream. I have a vibrant, loving and quirky community that supports and accepts and admires me. I have time to collect shells amidst sleet and contemplate trees from the edge of a hillside.

There are so many things I couldn't have done this without. But the Universe gave me those gifts. And I am so very grateful.

It's been my mantra for so long it's almost become trite. But it's moments like this that it takes shape and becomes an entity in its own right. Step into the flow of Grace and all will be Good.

Om Shanti.

And we wonder why they hate us...

Let me start this off by saying: I fully realize that, in posting this, I am admitting to being a total hypocrite. But, hey, most of the best writers are, right? ;-)

Still, I am obsessed with how much I hate the new "YouTube Sensation" Friday. First off, there's the origin. Some rich man spilled a lot of money to give his daughter the means to create a video for her original "song." As for content, it outlines the important crisis' of choosing the front seat or back seat, what to wear and suffering through school in order to make it to Friday so you can Party.

And this is getting press at a time when Japan is admitting the earthquake/tsunami will be the most expensive recovery effort ever, new information is surfacing on the BP oil spill, a no-fly zone is being inforced over Libya and collective bargaining rights are being whittled away...

Here's where the hypocrisy creeps in...

Yesterday, I was in the shower at the gym where I am steadfastly combatting bra overhang. Yes, I am committed to the battle against gravity and fat grams. It's MY hypocritical war...

In the shower stalls next to me were two girls, loudly discussing whether they should bring Jaegar or Capt Morgan to the party tonight. And how wasted they were at the New Years party, which is why they ...
probablyShouldn'tBringTheCapt.BecauseSheHadNeverGottenSoDrunkBecauseSheWasPartyingSoHardButThenSheGotGerSecondWind AndWentToJake'sAndThenTheyWereDoingShotsAndSheLostCountAndHerMomGotSoMadBecausShe MissedCurfewButThereWasNoWaySheCouldGoHomeBecauseSheWasSoDrunkAndThrewUpSoMuchAndTotallyRuinedHerDressThatSheGotAtAbercrombieAndHerMomWouldHaveBeenPissedAnywayBecauseThatDressTotallyCost100Bucks ...

Look, I know we all have our unique problems that occupy our minds. I want to look good at the beach, I'm still angry at my shitty ex-boss, I hate cleaning out kitty litter. And I know we can't live our lives entirely and completely concerned with the pain and destruction happening outside of our control.

But shouldn't we try to balance the two? Shouldn't we work to alleviate both our own suffering and the suffering of the world? Or at least work to alleviate ours in awareness of the other?

I don't have the answer to that. I don't come close to thinking I'm anywhere near approaching Ghandi or Mother Theresa. But I hope that some of their wisdom and understanding can penetrate my Universe...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

What Day Is It?

It's weird for me - Type A that I am - to have no real set agenda to my days or weeks. Sure, I have stuff that neeeds to get done; those boxes won't kick themselves and those funds need a little help to be raised. But in the grand scheme of things, if I do them Tuesday night or Thursday a.m., what's the difference?

To that end, I've been trying to set myself up on a schedyle. And for the most part it's working. Mon and Tue I do "research" on the biz plan. Wed and Thur I put the intel into writing. Friday, I chill the fuck out and have a beer with lunch at the Brew Pub.

Of course, all this would be slightly easier if I had an "official" framework offering structure. The floor manager position at a local hot-spot seemed almost a done deal. I was supposed to hear by today, but he's a tad flakey so... And CAFM manager - I so adore her! - has lined me up for an under-the-table gig that could be OhSoCool.

So, I guess the point is, three months in and I'm just finally comin 'round to the reality that I have a new reality I need to get jiggy with. May we live in interesting times...

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Action v Reaction

I was at the gym the other day (ouch) when a woman on the elliptical behind me was rudely and loudly chastised by the man beside her for speaking on her cellphone. Now, obviously, he's right. Cellphones are prohibited in the gym. But to be so loud and obtrusive, well, it seemed gratuitous.

The woman was visibly upset. She explained again and again why she was on the phone. She worried aloud that he would "stalk" her. She was clearly and, understandably, disturbed by the incident.

Here's where the beauty of therapt kicks in. Before, I would have (and have) acted just as this womah did. Apologetic and providing excuses for my behavior. now, I realize that she had less reason to defend herself than he did. Most of us would quietly comment and let it go. This guy had to make a scene of it. Because it wasn't about her "breaking" the rules. It was about him enforcing them. Loudly. And aggressively.

Now that I am examining more closely (thank you therapy) the difference between what is and what we take in, I can make these distinctions. Sure, they're hard in the moment (thank you CBM) but they're there to be seen if you can.

I am blessed and grateful that I have the space and the perspective that helps me see this. Hopefully it can and will remain...

Tuesday, March 08, 2011


Handsome Man and I have been experiencing some "technical difficulties." That is to say, our schedules rarely match up and, when they do, it tends to be for shortened periods of time in public places such as lunch dates.

While I am well beyond my "snogging in public" years, I don't think a hug or a quick kiss is too much to ask.

A few days ago, after a very enjoyable lunch at a local brewpub (highly recommended) HM and I walked back to our cars. As I went to say goodbye, he retreated from any time to kiss - or even - hug him. I'm not talking about lewd and lascivious here. I'm talking about a squeeze or a peck on the lips from someone who (theoretically) loves you.

Needless to say, it left me a fair bit ticked. I tried to bring the subject up but, because HM doesn't talk about "his feelings" (add smirk), I didn't get very far.

Fast Forward: the other night, I was heading down to a local wateringhole for an after-work margarita. While waiting for HM to join me, I struck up quite the conversation with the bartender. Now, I will share, although it's technically not relevant, said bartender was on the younger side, seemingly intelligent and, yes, not too harsh on the eyes.

Drinks and dinner were had and laughs were shared. Said bartender wandered in on a few of the comments, now and again, as is appropriate.

Upon leaving the restaurant, I began to give HM his perfunctory hug. To my surprise, he swooped me up and gave me a real and totally legitimate kiss. (Yes, folks, tongue and all!)

Now, maybe he was just trying to make up for the other day's disappointment.

But I'm more inclined to believe that he thought another dog was sniffing around his territory and he was not about to let that happen.

Men. Can't live with em; pass the peanuts.

Friday, March 04, 2011

PS - the beauty of living on an island

Tomorrow is high tide. Tomorrow, I have the day off.

High tide picnic anyone? It's a pretty sweet view from the backshore of Gloucester!


In 20 days, it will be a full year since my "episode." That's what my dad calls it. Here's what I call it: nervous breakdown.

I was dealing with an atrocious amount of pressure: 60-hour work weeks, a boss who was intruding on my personal space and time, an 11-year friend and lover who had abandoned me, and a family who didn't understand at all what I was going through. To me, not so surprising that I wound up hospitalized.

Fast forward to today. Still having insomnia. But, on the whole, happy as Larry (however happy he is) (than you Eddie Izzard). Sure, money is tight and some things are awkward with the living situation. But I'm building out a business plan, working with non-profit groups I feel strongly about and generally making friends in my community.

Plus I'm going to the gym and hopefully will soon stop having bra hangover!

All this to say, I realize how far I've come. And that's why I don't hesitate to say "breakdown." I summoned my resources, I called upon the Universe, I pulled together my person army and I did what needed to be done. I can honestly say I am proud of myself.

I have no idea why I felt the need to blog this. Maybe just to see it in writing. But I'm glad it can be out there.

That is all. :-)