It's a Brand New Day

No, I'm not quoting the Dr. Horrible song (although it IS fantastic and if you haven't seen the movie yet, what is wrong with you?). But that is truly how I'm feeling.

I spent most of last week wallowing. Work was on hold for a few days because of schedule issues and, for that reason, I seemed to hit a wall. Maybe it was because I was once again in limbo and I am sooooo not good at being in limbo. True Leo-style, I need to be in charge and on the prowl.

But this week is already so much different. The new schedule is out (although the scheduling process is already making me twitchy. People can be SO disorganized! But more on that later...). And now that I'm on the schedule, I can have a structure to my day. I know what days I have commitments and what days I don't and what I need to get down and how I should go about getting those things accomplished. Feels purdy derned good.

There's lots of progress on the other front too. Met today with a Business Strategist who specializing in advising entrepreneurs. He gave me some fantastic ideas for setting out on my research, identifying options and obstacles and concrete next steps. All at once, I feel like my dream isn't really all that far off.

So, it's strange to say that I am busier now than I was when I was "working." Perhaps because the work I'm doing now is building My Life Business. And not serving someone or something else. I have a chance to work with and for things that make me feel good - like the Farmers Market and the Time Bank, organizing my "stuff" that's been laying around in piles far too longs and FINALLY getting back in shape.

So, it's been several Brand New Days and I am confident they will keep on comin. I'm sure I have a little more wallowing in me, but I'm hopeful that those are the exception and not the rule.

Beaten Up by my own damned brain

So much going on I just don't know where to start.

It's no secret that I've had conflicted feelings about work. What with CBL trying to burden me with her insecurities and CBM trying to bully me, it's been a bit of a struggle from the beginning. The problem is, I love the company, I love the product and I really believe in the management of the business.

Which made it even more difficult on Wednesday to hear that they are completely restructuring the business and all of the Americas team should consider themselves "at risk." From a business perspective it makes complete sense. From a personal perspective, it sucks right out loud.

There are a few positions posted for the US team. And, if you're talking from a skillset point of view, I'm feeling pretty confident;. But CBM hates me - there's no hiding that. And whether or not he can make an objective decision is in decidedly in question.

Add to all of that stress - do I or don't I have a job? - Good Buddy is in town.

It got off to a rough start. We were supposed to hang last week and I had even taken the next day off "to recover." Of course, he blew me off. Worse, he lied to me about the reason why. He still thinks I'm the crazy, obsessed girl I was 12 years ago.

The good news is that I showed in no small way that not only was I not that girl, but that I was a woman with her wits and brains about her.

Still, it was a tough day. The person who probably knows me the best in the world blew me off. I understood the reason but still thought it was illegit.

Here's the last thing. Finally, last night, a much needed night of soul-bearing, confrontation-having, no-holds-barred discussion was had. It took us until about 3 a.m. But I think we wound up on the same page. We'll never see eye to eye, but at least it's all out in the open.

And now I'm in bed, typing while my Handsome Man lies next to me. All of the various and sundry events of the last week + have me second guessing everything. And while I want to just snuggle down in his arms, I will do so with a pretty conflicted heart.

SHIT.

And the Hits Just Keep On Comin

Just when you thought it was safe to go in the water...

Got a call from CBL last week - inviting me out to lunch.

I have NO idea what to expect.

1) She found out I threw her under the bus. (Sorry, but then you shouldn't have thrown temper tantrums at work)

2) She wants to give me dirt on the new boss (who was unbelievably beligerant on her last few days)

3) She wants to ask me to go "on the record" for her lawsuit against the company. (I shouldn't know this, but she handed me the retainer letter to her Attorneys at Law w/o a cover sheet. Um, YEAH, I'm gonna read it...)

So, I am feeling just a smidge nervous and awkward about today. What does one wear if they're either gonna get soda thrown in their face or sit through a free lunch and tears...?

Common Sense - and the Problem with Not Having Any

OK - so here's a hypothetical situation to ponder...

Say someone - we'll call her Ms. M, commutes to work and, round trip, it takes about 3 hours. Let's also say that 90% of her work can be done online, especially if no one else is in the office.

Let's finally say that, when at home, Ms. M generally gets more work done because 1) commuting time 2) working lunches 3) no distractions.

Now, let's say that Ms. M's new boss has put a kaybosh on working from home - even if NO ONE else is there. Why, you might ask, would someone insist on this, given the reasons above?

Perhaps the reason is, "because your job was presented to you as an office job when you accepted the terms of employment, so you must be in the office."

So, say Ms. M posits that, if it's an office job, she has full permission to leave her laptop at work and turn off her Blackberry when she leaves the office. Sounds reasonable right?

You'd think.

Lack of productivity + failure to take work/life into account = disgruntled employee.

Luckily for someone, in the immortal words of a Ketchup Advisory Board commercial: "By her bumper stickers she doesn't appear to be someone who owns a gun...."

Talk about wanting to have your cake and eat it to.

Developments

News from the CBL front. Although I'm on vacation, several of my work friends emailed me on Monday to alert me that the new Head of Mktg position had been posted on our intranet. Also, to suggest I apply.

I'm not at all sure what I'm gonna do - in all seriousness, I think there are a few things I'd need to learn/experience before I could do a successful job. Still, I can't help but feeling a little hopeful that this is the long awaited light at the end of the tunnel.

There's clearly SOMETHING going on. I don't report to CBL anymore and neither do any of the sales team - at least not directly. She's offloaded several business relationships to others and delegated a number of important tasks to members of the team. It sure looks to me like they're making it easy for her to walk away with some measure of dignity.

And even if she doesn't get the heave-ho, there is a real likelihood that re-organization is in the wind. After all, now that marketing is starting to engage with other teams globally, wouldn't it make sense for us to all be one team?

If this all comes to pass, I will lose two monkeys off my back at once. Can anything be better?

People who challenge my statement that my life ALWAYS improves when I start getting regular reiki healing can KMA!

You Can't Fix Crazy

You know the phrase "penny wise but pound foolish?" Or, what about "Pick your battles carefully." Maybe "know what's worth falling on your sword for"?

CBL (CBFL?) clearly knows none of these.

There are several really important outstanding issues at work. Finalizing the budget spend for the rest of the year. Launching two targetted campaigns. Ensuring a successful launch of a partner-developed initiative.

What is CBL focused on? Providing the job title for a muckity-muck at one of our clients.

Since she's out of office, I offered to contact the client to get the title. No biggie, right?

Wrong.

Exhibit A: "Please do not contact them for XXX's title. I have his title on my computer. As you know, I can not access my computer at the moment. I will send it over as soon as I can. Please do not contact CLIENT. I will provide."

If your career is about to go down in flames, I know the thing I'll concentrate on is proving my ability to provide job titles. Cuz that's useful...

Dear Universe,

Thank you.

As you know, I had a very loooooooong two weeks, prepping and working the biggest tradeshow of the business year. And I'm tired. I was supposed to take Monday off to recuperate, but CBL couldn't do without me. As such, I'm REALLY tired.

This a.m. I felt too tired to even move. Woke up out of a bad dream an hour before the alarm went off and - due to kitties being hungry - could not go back to sleep.

By the time I got in the shower, I was literally crying I was so exhausted.

Just a few minutes later, my work phone rang. Amazing Database Administrator. A firestorm was brewing and he wanted to run his response by me. And, as always, in the process he made me laugh.

And realize once again just how many blessings I have.

So, Universe, thanks for having my back.

Lessons Learned and Learning Lessons

Last night, YogaGirl called. She was technically calling me back about my anxiety over my new hire starting Monday. I hadn't slept a wink and dream land wasn't looking too promising. Fuck, it was the first time I'd managed someone, I don't have my MBA and I've been fucked over enough to know that a bad manager can screw an impressionable mind for a good long time.

I wound up listening to about 45 minutes of YogaGirl going off about her partner. Usually, she's really balanced about this stuff: "I have stuff to share, but you need me to listen to you, so go...' But last night she clearly had a lot of stuff to get off her chest. And, as a friend, I listened to it, openly and honestly.

And then I told her the cold, hard truth. I'd been listening to this same complaint for three years. And if I had a tape recorder, she would not sound like a woman in love. She would sound like a bitter, jaded old married woman. Relationships are hard, but they shouldn't be this hard. After three months of the same old argument - damn! shit or get off the pot.

And then tonight, I called her about my stress with GoodBuddy. He's been in a rough place rfecently, and really needing my validation. But our conversations tend to go like this: "Him. Him. Him. Him. Gotta Go, Bye,"

In case you haven't noticed, I've had a lot going on myself. On the road to recovery from bi-polar disorder. Managing a person, which essentially mean forming a department. Learning how to deal healthfully with CBL. Navigating the possibility of moving to London, Not to mention the big one ---- Re-integrating with the world around me.

And through all of this, GoodBuddy was for all intents and purposed MIA. He did a fair bit of apologizing and making amends tonight when I finally got him on the phone.

But still I realized an important truth when YogaGirl said this, "I know you had the best intentions when you told me this, and so I trust you will understand it when I say: "I've been hearing the same complaint over and over. Girlfriend, shit or get off the pot."

I know she's right. I know I'm right. But there is a large gap between knowing and acting. And that gap is called fear of being alone.

Spring is springing - or at least gusting

It's turn the clocks ahead one hour night. I usually hate this night. Because, while I love me some daylight, I also love me some sleep. When I was growing up as a kid, my dad and I had an inside joke. He would come to wake me up five minutes before I needed to get up. And when he did, I'd always beg for "magic minutes." Which was the low-tech version of the snooze alarm. But that's how much sleep meant to me - magic.

Now I'm older. But I still love sleep. And now that I've started having amazingly vivid dreams if and when I do sleep, I like it that much more.

But tonight, it seems that's not gonna happen. I've watched a movie, listened to old 80s tunes, cooked up some veggies that were about to spoil and even caught up on some overdue email. nd yet, here it is, almost 6 (but really five) and I'm wide awake wilson.

My new hire starts on Monday and I really must be on my A Game for that. Especially given all the specialness that has ensued and will likely continue to ensue over the coming weeks. So an all-nighter wasn't really in the cards. But, I guess you play the cards as the Universe deals them.

Did have a really solid interaction with the roommate though tonight. I think the problem is that 1) neither of us seems to be really good with confrontation and 2) we're both feeling a bit awkward about where we are in our lives. I'm in a period of recover after a massively long bout with all sorts of notwellness. Although I still have a long way to go - and not stopping at Kappys on the way home was a step in the right direction! - I see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I can't speak for him, having little to no knowledg of his life or habits, much less his inner turmoil. But I suspect he's also dealing with some stuff. So maybe - and now's probably not the time to reach a hard and fast conclusion - but maybe it's worth he and I sitting down and having an actual conversation. Otherwise, the awkwardness might fester. And that's never a good thing...

Anyway, I digress. The topic at hand was sleep - or the lack thereof. I really really want to get some quality R&R. But how do you turn off the brain when it's churning like this? It's not like I'm suffering under any delusion that getting work done at 6 am on a Sunday will be of a high calibre. So, perhaps, I take a few deep breaths. Break out my notepad and make a PLAN for the work I'm going to accomplish tomorrow.

Once the Ambien wears off. If it ever kicks in.

Sheesh - this stuff killed Heath Ledger and it doesn't even touch me. I've either got way too much Anna's Taqueria Super Grlled Veggie in my system or I'm Batman. What do you think?

Follow the bouncing budget

To anyone who thinks that the current healthcare debate is actually about treatment and not about policies and processes and redtape and bureaucracy, I offer the following example from corporate America.

First off, I want to put this caveat out there -- I love the company I work for. By all evidence, it truly does care about its employees and the greater good. The CEO legitimately cares about the mission of the corporation - to spread learning and education around the world - and, while being a shrewd business woman is also a philanthropist -- and a truly decent human being -- at heart. But, still...

When the recession hit, we were informed of a "Non-Overnight Delivery" policy for any shipping. Anything we wanted to ship overnight had to be authorized at the VP or above level. If you know anything about me and my job, you realize that this has a HUGE impact on my life. Welcome to marketing lackey 101.

I have a vendor in England who kicks butt. Unfortunately, due to some mitigating circumstances, they have outstanding invoices over A YEAR old. Obviously I want to get them paid.

Of course, CBL has been travelling. So, I filled out the forms electronically, emailed them, CC'd CBL and asked for permission. I was told by the AP department - in no uncertain terms - that that was not good enough. So, to expedite the process, I walked the envelope down to the Post Office, overnighted the form, had CBL sign it and then overnight it back. I signed and then I walked again back down to the PO (all this to avoid filling out the Overnight Shipping Approval Form) and sent off the form to Accounts Payable.

So, to pay an invoice for 1200 GBP (Sterling) I just spent about $50 in shipping. Because electronic approval is not good enough. Because we're in a recession and need to closely monitor our expenditure.

Really?