This is going to be kind of a schizophrenic entry (and we know I don't use that word lightly). Not to mention long. But there's lots going on. You've been warned.
The big news is, the sun came up today. I didn't think it would. I don't know if I wanted it to or not. But up it came and it forced me to get out of bed, to face the world, to even drive into work. And I made it through the entire day. I couldn't stop crying - or more accurately, I couldn't stop myself from crying when crying wanted to come over me. Walking by the Domino's Pizza at lunch. Sending off files to FedEx Kinkos for printing. After spin class while I wiped down the bike. For someone who doesn't cry, I've been doing a whole lotta crying. But amazingly enough, I also managed to laugh and smile today. Not a lot, but it's a start.
I went to yoga last night. And, as is always (always!) the way with yoga, the class was exactly what I needed. The instructor was subbing for the regular teacher because he was celebrating Rosh Hashanah. Apparently in addition to the Jewish New Year, yesterday was the Ethiopian New Year - and it just happened to be the Ethiopian New Millenium. And so she started a medition on clearing away the old, that which does not serve, and making room for the new. That every moment, every breathe we take, we are new people. And there, in the middle of class - in the middle of downward facing dog - I started crying. Again. But this time they were really good, cleansing tears. And somehow, in the midst of all this pain and heartache, I felt somehow lighter, freer.
Now, I'm not saying that any of this has been easy. But I do think it's a chance for a new lease on life, to be cliche (yes, that's cliche, not clique, Napolean). Which is only highlighted by my whole Door. Window. Revelation.
It looks like I might get the job I'm up for. They called wondering about salary ranges and positions and the like. Nothing definite but I was told they were "putting things together." Hmmm. A chance to be in a truly creative job. A chance to work with people I like, admire, and respect. A chance to work and live on the North Shore, moments away from beaches and trees. You can see that this would clearly be a miserable decision.
Of course, all of this was temporarily forgotten when I got home tonight and found a check in the mail from Mr. Zips. I had asked him to mail me his half of the Maine trip cost. He mailed the whole thing. With no note. Nothing. Not even in the memo line. I didn't want the whole thing - we agreed to split it. Here's how this makes me feel:
I feel like he's used me for free room and board for months. And now that he doesn't need the extra money (since the wedding is over) he can kick me to the curb. I know this isn't a fair (or, likely, very accurate) assessment, but there it is. So, to make himself feel less guilty, he sends me the whole amount. Does this make him feel better? It doesn't make me feel better. I don't need your pity money. I don't care how guilty you feel. I offered love, caring and what (for me) amounted to commitment. $225 doesn't make that go away.
Of course I know that the whole relationship and breakup is far, far more complex than that. Oh what a tangled web. But, tonight, coming home from Day One of life in the world without Mr. Zips, that's how I feel. For better or worse.
But life must go on. So, today, I booked a weekend trip to DC. Many people know why going before would have been a questionable if not downright poor decision. But right now I need to get out of the apartment, I need to be told I'm loved, and I need to not feel guilty about doing a shot or 12 of Jamesons.
And one final note. Thank Heaven and all the Powers and Beings in it, for friends. They are wonderful. I would not be half as sane as I am right now, without them. I love you. All of you.