Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Too too much

Let's suffice to say that, should I, hypothetically, die, my journal and blog would even BEGIN to represent the thoughts and feelings I've had over the last few days.

I've been working on this project while, eventually it is hoped/insinuated, will bear much monetary fruit, for the moment it feels like volunteer work. And while I'm fine with volunteer work, it would have been known at the outset.

Fighting with parents who have made it more than clear to me that they are sick and tired, tired and sick, of dealing with my shit. Helpful. Especially in view of the next paragrapth.

Peepers is sick. No, actually, dying. She has kidney disease and there's little we can do but keep her on her treatment and pray. And pray. And I don't even pray, but I'm praying. If the medicine keeps it could be a long time that I have with her. Blessed Goddess let's hope. But even so, I know that I'll be holding the thought that this is the last time I have with her always...

And so, I tried to share this with Handsome Man. He had little to offer. "Don't let this keep you up all night" he said. Really? My baby of 17 years is dying - not today, but maybe next week or (Goddess be) next month or year... - and you want me NOT to lose some sleep? Much less offer to come over and hold me. It's not in his nature to suggest it and certainly not in his nature to comply once suggested. He's got boatloads going on and I get that. But I'm thinking it's time I had a boyfriend who knew - or at least responded to - what I need.

So I will spend tonight chasing Peeps around the apartment making sure she's not getting sick or ... (courtesy demands my silence). And making sure Eliza doesn't feel alienated. Making sure that the whole family remains status quo and healthy.

And for not losing sleep? Yeah, right.