Sunday, April 25, 2010

Drinking Out of Cups

This thing makes me laugh every time I watch it. No matter what mood I'm in.

What a wonderful summation of existence.

Not me. Not now, not never. Nope. ... Not my chair, not my problem. Lighthouses rule.

Know What's Amazing?

Having your tech guy make reference to one of your favorite movies under his breath.

Experiencing adventures in travel without stress or anxiety and then walking into a conference room of people who don't shake your hand but give you a hug.

Being called to ask for your "expert" opinion on choosing a new bike.

Finding two cats curled up and asleep on your bed, being far too cute.

Discovering your roommate's son finally feels comfortable enough in front of you to dance.

Having wonderful friends who can talk to you about deep things and silly things, emotions and cosmic reality, anime conventions and th Dresden Files and still not think you're a nutjob.

Staying in your jammies and robe all day and rejoicing about it, all while knowing that tomorrow you will wear well-ironed professional attire, will make your bed and will eat meals at a regular hour.

Getting weepy and sad but knowing that your life won't end.

Feeling disappointed but still knowing you can look forward to fiddlehead season.

Enjoying the smell of garlic and onions sauteeing in a pan.

Thinking it important that you can appreciate NPR and raunchy radio all at the same time.

Wondering at making a toddler smile in an elevator because she has a Disney Princesss ball and you have a Sleeping Beauty keychain.

Knowing that that little girl's mother was thankful fo the distraction because baby was being a brat.

Regretting that someone gave up a lot of potentially enjoyable experiences because he was too afraid to face confrontation.

Seeing a double rainbow and knowing that it meant The Universe would help you as you began a new chapter in your life.

Remembering how much fun I had in Seattle, wandering on my own, talking to strangers, marvelling at the Japanese gardens and walking home in a gentle rain.

Believing that moving to London is a pipe dream and a possibility all at the same time.

Being confident that I deserve love and respect and trust and the space, time and confidence to be comfortable in who I am and do the things that make me happy.

Establishing and supporting the Lady McHerb project.

Finally realizing, heart and soul and mind, that the Lady McHerb project is the most important thing I will ever do.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Again, why do I do this to myself?

Can't sleep tonite. Welcome back, insomnia girl. The new meds - altho technically not "contraindicated" don't react well w/ the sleeping pills. So, I lay me down, book in hand, soft music playing, meditation reciting and still... It's 6:04 and seriously, not a wink.

Not boding well for the noon yoga class tomorrow.

Here are the things keeping me from sleep.
  • A 26-page journal entry (bear in mind the pages really aren't that big) to GoodBuddy. I thought I'd covered all of it - in a healthy and rational way. And then I read some of the emails in my "drafts" folder. I was mad. And pretty rightly so. A lot of it was my insanity. But a lot of it was his inability to deal with things. And one fed off another fed off another and soon you have a vicious circle. So where does that leave my healthy 26-page, non-angry, objective journal entry?
  • Facebook cruising. Why do I do this? Everyone I know is married, most with children. I look at honeymoon photos and they all seem so much happier than mine. Sure, a discussion with a really good friend once ended in, "but you don't want that. I know you don't. You've told me how many times you love travelling on your own, living on your own, not having to offer excuses or explanations - not to mention respnsibilites of children - to anyone. It's a choice, girl, not a demand. Live your life according to YOUR happiness, not anyone else's. And, yes, that's totally true. But I know and you - dear reader - know that single, childless women are STILL regarded as somehow... unfulfilled, defective, insufficient. F*** I wish I didn't care what other people thought
  • Novel reading. I sincerely thought Drood was a labor in stubborness. So many people said it was a page turner and I thought - ugh - no way. Now, can't put it down. Scarabs in his head?
  • And speaking of which - there has been some major cockroad activity - and generally bugginess - going on. A big honkin cockroach crawling along my ceiling. The ever-present cockroaches in my office. The buzzing of the mosquito in my ear tonight (my windows ARE open, but still, isn't it kind of early?). And the feeling that I've got creepy crawlies all over me. Not sure if that's the result of all the bug talk going on of late w/ CBL and others in the office, or the Reiki detox, or what. But yuck! I hate it. Itching everywhere and constantly checking for bugs when I logically know there are none.
  • Finally, the work issue. What with my hard drive eating itself, the craziness of the P.O. non-process, managing the Awesome New Hire (have to come up w/ an acronym for her, I've been flat out. CBL wants to talk about things like what are we going to do for our "fun" activity in mid-May. I want to get all the crap that I need to get done, done. Like registering everyone for another important conference when early bird registration ends Friday. Or updating the Partner Status Plan that she asked for yesterday (when I had no computer so, sorry you're SOL.) Instead, I got an hour of her 3oth High School Reunion planning, a bunch of time on office gossip and then, finally, to work. I'm trying my best to stay focused and mindful of the situation, but it IS a bit tough when you have goals to meet.

So, here I am, almost 6:20 am and nothing to show for it. An entire night gone. Sure, I read some, wrote a lot (a lot a lot) and played a little bit of some gaming. Sheesh - my morning radio program started 19 minutes ago!

My heart tells me to TXT GoodBuddy and see how he's doing. My head tells me no. He was in a rough place last night, so probably best to let it lie...

Now, the question is, do I try to sleep for three hours, or just suck it up and stay awake today?

Hmmm....

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Five Ducks!

So, I've been really practicing my mindfullness. It sounds really trite and hokey, but, hell, the Dalai Lama looks pretty darn happy, right?

So, I'm walking in to work from the train station today and practicing my "mindful walking." And I'm noticing the flowers (bad for allergies, btw) and the sunshine and the sparking water and the fact they're shining up the Swan Boats. Spring is springing.

And then I see a mom with her two small children. Well, we all know how much I love kids. Yeah, not so much. But I heard this little boy, counting loudly: "One. Two. Three. Four. Five." And he turns to Mom, a look of triumph on his face, chest thrust out proudly, feet firmly planted in the ground. And he shouts, "Mommy! I counted FIVE DUCKS!"

And I realized, no matter what I did today. No matter how many project plans I finished or invoices I processed or registrations I registered, NOTHING I did today would be nearly as important as that little boy counting FIVE DUCKS.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

PS

Forgot to mention. I only had 717 emails. Damn, I lose Powerball again!

What did YOU hear?

Upon me telling GoodBuddy (yes, we still speak, altho eggshells are being tread upon) that I was reading Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh, he heard "Thick, Not Hung."

Some minds are just too sick to understand.

Long Duk Dong anyone?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Finding Yourself

So, on Monday, I met with Awesome Therapist. And I had this to offer: "My alarm went off this morning, I went downstairs, put on my morning radio program (I have admitted to being a talk radio geek, right?) and sat down to have my breakfast. But something felt weird. And then I realized, I didn't have my laptop in front of me."

Of course, she was shocked. Most normal people would be shocked. But the reality is, I get so many emails from CBL from 7 pm to 6 am that if I didn't start the day that early, how on earth could I catch up?

What this week has shown me is -- who cares? If she sends so many emails that I can't deal with them and my daily tasks, then I don't. I am way more important than her emails. My life, my happiness, my very existence, is way more important.

And to that point, GoodBuddy. He's in town but has found countless and innumerable things to occupy his time other than see me. I know that he's putting it off because he would rather not - or more likely can not - deal with ... this. Whatever this is or was. And tonight I basically called him out. We were supposed to see each other. Then, we were supposed to call each other. And then he forget. As per usual.

The reality is, I keep looking in the rearview when I need to look through my telescope.

He's no good for me. He brought out that what was worst in me. He's hard --- Deal with it, get over it, life sucks move on -- whereas I prefer to soften to grace -- life may be hard, but there is a lesson to be learned. Soften to grace and you can find that your soul sings the song of The Universe. There is a balance between opening up and muscle-ing up, and a full life requires a balance between the two. Or, as Anusara Yoga puts it, Muscular Energy and Organic Energy.

Anusara teaches that it is all about Hugging in, and Radiating out. Strength and Softening. In Ardo Mukha, (downward dog) if you are all strength and no soften, you will stress the shoulders and the wrists. But if you feel the balance between the two, you may feel some DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) but you will not injure yourself.

GoodBuddy would find all of that "who ha" -but I find it real and powerful and that's why I found myself sitting on a rock in the sunshine, laughing and crying at the same time.

Once upon a time, he had the time and the interest to focus on these matters of the spirit. Now he is all about fixating on his future. As TNH puts it, we are very good about planning for our life, but not very good at living it.

I have so many people in my life that are not very good for me. It's no wonder I have lost focus on my center. But every day I shall do the work of "breathing in calm and breathing out a smile." Hopefully that will help. Hopefully that will keep the joy in my life.

Namaste.

I went hiking today and saw sorrel springing from the ground and buds reaching out from trees. I could see the first sprouting of fiddleheads and the scampering of robins and summer birds. I have to own all these parts of myself and love who I am. I cannot deny them any longer. I cannot allow someone else to tell me what they want and bow to that. I MUST follow my own bliss.

If you haven't read Peace is Every Step, I highly recommend you do. As someone who counts Dandelion as an herbal ally, this poem spoke powerfully to me:

I have lost my smile
But don't worry
The dandelion has it.

As Thich Nhat Hanh writes, If you have lost your smile, yet still are capable of knowing the dandelion holds if for you, things cannot be that bad."

Tomorrow, I return to work. My guess is that I have 727 emails. My mailbox probably shut down around 600, but that doesn't stop some people. I will get to as many as I can. And then, at 5:30, I will turn my computer off and head to yoga. Because I am more important. My life is more important. And it's time I started living that.

Friday, April 09, 2010

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

New Blossoms

It's been a complicated a couple of weeks.

I've had two pretty serious meltdowns. The first resulted in not so favorable circumstances, although I did get 13 hours of sleep.

The second resulted in exactly what I needed.

I've not been paying attention to what I need. I've been staying at work when I should be shutting down and going to yoga. I've been spending Sundays in front of the computer working on plans, budgets or communications.

I have in no way, shape or form been respecting who or what I am.

Add to that the fact that my family has been a basic shit and GoodBuddy shut me down because he couldn't handle admitting to me he'd found a new girlfriend.

In the midst of being constantly barraged by work, no rest and no support from the people I'd relied on to be my support and validation, I had a meltdown. Which resulted in me experiencing life in the emergency room and the psych ward.

Which would have been bad enough. But I kept being barraged by CBL (what part of I can't answer the phone because I'm in the hospital do you not understand?), kept being avoided by GoodBuddy and suffered unrelenting defensiveness and resistance from the parental units. Add one plus one plus one and you equal second nervous breakdown.

Luckily, this time was different. I was able to call on a friend who was nearby and accessible. Who not only could but was interested in making the journey to assist me. (Not to dismiss my other friends who stepped in during my first crisis. But there REALLY are time and distance obsticals.) Instead of being judged by a cold, distant triage bitch, I got held and comforted by a true friend. Instead of spending the night under an itchy, thin hospital blanket, I was held by someone who listened without judgement and fell asleep holding my hand.

More than that, we got to hang out the whole next day. No, it was not slam bang thank you ma'am, as nothing at all sexual happened. As if I was in any condition to deal with that. But I was made to feel no guilt or shame for the emotional firestorm of the meltdown. It was what it was, it was real and, hey, if there are still tears, let them come.

I have lots of thinking to do. I have lots of work I have to do to repair the damage I and others have done to my soul. I need to re-evaluate the role others have in my life and the expectations and hopes I have for them. And how I react if and/or when my personal projections are different than reality.

What I've realized more than anything is that I owe myself the respect of honoring myself. Whether that means taking a yoga class or admitting I need to work from home more than one day a week, or taking more walks around my island, has yet to be seen. But I know I need to disconnect and spend some more time teasing out the tangle of my thoughts and my feelings.

I don't want to run away. I don't want to disengage. I don't want to pretend that I have deep thoughts, a healthy perspective, or an introspective understanding. I want to live that truth. I've got a long way to go. But it's not an impossible path. Just one that takes commitment and belief.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Surprises Around Every Corner

The best surprises are when people you love do something totally and completely unexpected. Do something that totally reinforces you and your personhood on every level.

I called my family tonight. We're talking again. It's tense, but we'll figure it out. Still I wanted to clear some of the air.

During the conversation, the fact came up that dad had called my therapist. Without asking or even notifying me. Of course she could not call him back without consulting me first. I in no way, shape or form gave her permission to talk to him. No way, no how. Not now, not never.

Tonight we talked about that. About why I felt that he had intruded on the one place that was safe and mine only. **FIRST NAME** is mine." Then I paused. "I should call her *** Dr. LAST NAME. It's disrespectful not to give her that status. I guess I'm too familiar."

And my dad responded. "Yes, **Dr. LAST NAME**. I didn't even know her name until I looked her up on the internet. She has quite the degrees. And some well-respected publishings."

"Yes, I know. She's a smart cookie. "

"And quite attractive too."

"She sure is. But don't get any ideas, dad. She's married." I laughed softly, trying to reduce the tension.

"Oh. I didn't think she was. I mean, um, she didn't look to me like, um, the kind of woman who, um, would get married."

"You thought she was a lesbian?"

"Yes, I guess I did."

"Jeez, I wish. But no, she's married."

"Wait. What? You wish?"

"Yeah, dad. You said it yourself. She's very smart and she's quite attractive. Duh."

"Oh." pause. "Okay then. Fair enough."

Okay, so it wasn't a ringing endorsement. I don't think dad is ready to know the ins and outs of my personal or intimate life. I sure shootin don't think he's gonna run out and march in a PFLAG parade. But he also didn't freak out. And that surprised me in a really, really good way.

What do YOU remember?

It's Easter Sunday and a I think I'm going to do little more to celebrate than eat a peanut butter egg. Hey, just because I'm not Christain doesn't mean I can't co-opt their chocolate rituals.


But here's the weird thing I associate with Easter: The Smurfs. Smurfette actually.


For some reason, my parents put a Smurfette figurine in my Easter basket one year. I'm not quite sure why - I've never been particularly girly or comfortable with my "feminine wiles." But, there, among the pink plastic grass, sat a little blue and blonde girl.
And, lo, I loved her! I carried her around with me the whole day. And so a tradition was born.
By the time I was in High School, I had entire shelves lined with little plastic dolls. Ballerina Smurfette, Smurfette sitting on a mushroom, cheerleader Smurfette, you name it.
I don't know what happened to those figurines. I assume that they're in a plastic bag somewhere - maybe the closet in my old bedroom or the attic. I guess it doesn't really matter where they are. Because they're really in my heart. And I guess that's where it's most important.

Saturday, April 03, 2010

Time, Time, Time, See What's Become Of Me

I know that you, dear reader, are probably tired of me dredging up shit and posting about it. You get it, the plot has been laid out. The ending is obvious. Move ON (dot org.) But I still have a few things I guess I need to say in writing. Sorry. Hit the close page button if need be.

I look back on the the last two weeks and it all seems unreal... How could this all have happened in just two weeks? A short 14 days in the grand, overarching total of my existence?

I was no secret that Good Buddy was avoiding me. I knew that he was and I knew why. But that was the reason I was so upset about it. We've always been totally and completely honest with one another. I've always known where I stood and how he felt. And while it wasn't the ideal for me, I knew - absolutely, completely and unconditionally - that he promised to be there for me.

Except this time, he wasn't.

I left emails, Txt messages. Voicemails. All I said was the clear truth. I've been working my knuckles to the bone, I'm exhausted and stressed out and feeling insecure and I need someone who loves to tell me it will be okay. That I am that good, that it will be alright. That of course I've dotted every I and crossed every T.

Instead, he completely avoided me. Abandoned me. Ignored me.

The reason was simple and I knew it before he even admitted it.

That wasn't the issue. The problem was, we'd sworn to one another that, no matter what, we'd hold each other up in times of weakness. We'd love each other no matter what and be the rock of support for each other no matter why or how we needed it.

So when I realized I couldn't count on him - and I sure shooting couldn't count on my parents - and all my friends were hundreds of miles away - and then heard the news my father was facing the hospital again - I lost it.

Really and truly lost it.

I acted badly. I acted selfishly. I also acted very very REALLY. Until that kind of darkness descends, you have no idea of what it can be like.

I am blessed that I have friends - unlike my family and unlike GoodBuddy who think that everything can be handled by manning up or pulling yourself up by your bootstraps - I have friends who are willing to recognize that I was in dire pain and could call my therapist or take time off of work to drive me to the ER.

I'm not whole hearted yet, but I'm a shoot-load better. I am laughing at jokes and plotting out the future and engaging in activities that will serve to heal myself.

All is not perfect with the fam. But more on that for another time.

All is also not perfect with GoodBuddy I need some answers and I need some clarification. We both know we need to "chat" but our schedules keep missing each other. But while I can't condone nor understand all of his behavior, I also can't imagine a future that he is not in. Maybe that's an abused woman making excuses. Maybe that's a weak woman giving in to "established cultural misogyny" . But I prefer to think that it's my rational coping mechanism when I have been misunderstood all of my life and have finally found someone who - while they don't fit the image or role that I would dream of - still knows and accepts the entire universe that is me.

In short, I don't yet want to think of a future that GoodBuddy is not a part of. When we first lost each other, I spent so much time searching for him. I looked for his truck on Rt. 93, I searched for his face in the Financial District, I heard his voice in my head, I Googled for his obituary on the Internet.

When he finally came back into my life, it was too much to believe. We've both grown and changed so much. Our relationship has so completely evolved. But in the end it boils down to this. We've seen the worst in each other. The very very worst. And we still both want to wake up and say G'day Mi Love and go to sleep and text G'nite MiLove. I don't know what form that will or can take to make sure I'm still sane and healthy as time goes by.

Right now I know I can't argue with a Universe that split us up so completely and then re-united us? I can't. Not right now.