Saturday, March 20, 2010

Long Time Coming

I posted just the other day about being harsh with Yoga Girl and giving her cold, hard facts.

It's time I drank my own KoolAid.

For weeks - months? - GoodBuddy has been really, seriously, taking me for granted. I get phonecalls that consist of him ranting, raving and justifying for 20 minutes. And then hanging up. Without once asking me how I am or what's going on in my life.

And if I had nothing to report, that might not be so bad.

But I've got lots to report.

1) I'm on my way to happiness. And despite my hesitancy to rely on medication, and despite so many people insisting that depression and/or mental illness could be cured by willpower and determination, I am not going to argue with science, much less tangible success.(For more on this, download the BBC "World Have Your Say" or check out The Happiness Project.)

2) I've gotten a promotion, a raise, and a new hire who reports to me. This is daunting, scary, uplifting and challenging, all at once.

3) The biggest tradeshow of our year is next week

4) Various and sundry other life issues that someone who loves me should care about.

He's told me he realizes he's been neglecting me. He's apologized. He's told me he loves me. And he's done it all in that tone of voice that makes me melt. And, he's called me "baby" and "love" more times than I can count.

But that and $1.91 will get you a medium coffee.

When he does ask me what's going on, his comments are usually on the order of telling me what to do and how I should act. Me: "I gotta get moving. It's bed time." Him: "Yeah, you need your sleep. You need to be on your A Game. Be sharp. You've got a job to do." To which I think, "uh, yeah. Duh.." He acts like my own decisions and my good judgements haven't gotten me this far. I know what I'm doing and sometimes I make mistakes but, in general, I'm doing a damn good job. See point 2.

I need - no, deserve - to be with someone who truly cares about me. Who wants to know what's going on in my life. Who cares. Who wants to be something more to me than the person who judges my choices and dictates my actions. In short, someone who realizes that I'm valuable, intelligent, funny, caring and and a person who has a heart capable of a lot of love.

I used to know I could rely on GoodBuddy for that assurance. Just being with him made me feel whole, special, wanted, at peace. But lately I've felt like I was little more than a microphone. Here to absorb what he said and then be shut off.

I just can't live with that anymore.

so it breaks my heart, but I have to say goodbye. At least until things change. Until he stops taking me for granted. Until he starts caring about me as much as I care for him.

I deserve that much.