I thought I was numb...

There is a shadow that lives in my house and in my mind.

She is a black and grey shadow. She likes to sit in the bathroom waiting for me to get out of the shower. Sometimes she paws at my legs as if to tell me, "Get out. I want in."

The shadow sits in my front window, mrrrowing at me when I get out of my car.

The shadow eats corn on the cob - off of the cob. It begs for tuna and always seems to know when it's Thanksgiving weekend, because that's the only time mom comes home with REAL turkey.

The shadow walks on my keyboard and, occasionally settles down for a long winters nap on my keyboard.

The shadow seldom sits on my lap but often sits just next to my lap.

The shadow likes the sides of her cheeks petted and purrs loudly when indulged.

The shadow activitely haunts me now and will probably haunt me for a long time. I hope the shadow stays with me always - but hopefully will be slightly less visible. Because that shadow needs - demands - tears to survive. And I'm pretty dehydrated at this point...

Peepers - I will always love you.

Adjustments

My guess is that my fewish readers will gues this post will be about Peepers. My girl, my Lambie Pie Petunia, 16 years old, was put to rest on Tuesday. I cry and cry and manage to pull myself together only to cry again. And, so, today, I should be posting about Peepers and her quirks and how much I loved her.

But I'm not.

Reason 1: If I start posting about the memories, I'll never stop.

Reason 2: I'm in that "numb" part of the grieving process and, as busy as I am, it's working for me...

So, I post this instead. Today marks the two week anniversary of my $10/day budget. I got tired of "robbing from Peter to give to Paul" (mom's term) and checking my balance every day to see when/what would bounce. So I set myself a severe (for me) budget. Ten bucks a day. If I needed to spend more in a day (gas, prescription meds..) I divided the balance and adjusted accordingly.

For two weeks running, I've actually been UNDER budget. Sure, it's been a bit of a pain packing my own lunch and prepping my own dinner everyday. Especially when you get a craving for something special.

Still, I'm really proud of myself. I should have put myself on this austerity plan a LONG time ago. But with age comes wisdom, right?

Here's hoping (fingers crossed).

PS - does this austerity plan give me license to be bitchy about someone who goes out several nights a week to bars, spends time playing volleyball but not working/job hunting, and STILL bounces rent checks? just checkin...

A Tale of Two Kitties

Please excuse the pun. But it is one of my favorite Dickens' novels...

I have two cats. Those who know me may, in fact, consider me a crazy cat lady. And, truthfully, I'm okay with that.

I'm childfree by choice. Past posts have explained it but, to recap, I don't feel the maternal instinct, don't feel the nurturing drive and, frankly, I thik the Earth has enough people as it is.

That all said, I love - adore - my kitties. They are by no means young'uns. Peeps is 14 going on 15 and Eliza is one year younger. And, as much as I bitch about 'Liza whining at my door in the mornings or Peeps walking all over my keyboard as I try to work, they are my family.

I spend hundreds on their food because I want to give them the best nutrition available. I clean up morning noon and night after their various "biological issues."I have stains on rugs, furniture and bedding,

But Peeps waits outside the shower until I'm done and then jumps in and licks the water from the faucet. She waits on the table, snarling at the seagulls trying to attack our garbage. Eliza nuzzles my head in the morning until I get up and feed her. And at night she cries until I pick her up and let her fall asleep in my arms.

How many emails has Peeps sent that read sssssssddddddddddrttkkkkkkkpppppppppppp. How many times has Eliza interupted a fantastical dream?

This long rant leads to this: Peeps has been sick. And they are both old ladies. I've already spent $600 - which I don't exactly have - to pay vet bills. And now Peeps won't even eat her prescription food.

I know I'm 1) being a negative nellie and 2) expecting the worst, but what do i do if either of them gets sick again? I have NO wiggle room, financially. I love them to bits and pieces and with all of my heart and would be devistated to lose them. But, truthfully, at what cost....???...

Luckily, I'm not facing that decision yet. Hopefully for not awhile. But it's on my mind constantly, and so I put it out there.

Keep us in your thoughts, won't you?

Parental Irony

So, I got in a big fight with dad a week or so ago. I was having "relationship difficulties" with Handsome Man. So, I called my mom to cry. She was a last resort, but I had to commiserate with somebody. Dad answered the call and gave me shit about calling so late. As if Mom has never called me inconvienently or my brother hasn't kept them up all night dealing with his issues. So, yeah, I was ticked.

Interesting times picking out a Father's Day card ...

Yesterday, I found out that one of my mother's favorite books, This Perfect Day, has been re-released. The joke in my family is that she gave me her copy and then borrowed it back so often and for so long it wound up again as her copy.

Another interesting note is that the author, Ira Levine, is also the author of Rosemary's Baby. Which mom once threw at my head when she found out I was taking classes about Wicca.

I don't honestlyknow what any of this really means. I guess what it means is that family relations are confusing, contradictory and incomprehensible. Also, somehow, we still wind up loving each other,

Why I Love Small Towns

Since being laid-off, I've been looking for some gigs here and there to make ends meet while freeing up some time to pursue my entrepreneurial ideas.

And this is how my journey has gone thus far.

The amazing Cape Ann Farmers' Market manager put me in touch with a local winery who was looking for a "salesperson" to staff their tent at the market.

I also got in touch with a woman who has a shop around the corner from my house. She makes bags and other items from recycled sails. One of the items she makes is... wine giftbags.

Another one of the ppl in my greater friendship circle is a blacksmith - and makes corkscrews.

All three are happy - nay, delighted - to sell one another's merch at their various locations. (Well, okay, I can't see the wine anywhere but the CAFM, but I can hand out info cards.)

So, with ll this good karma floating around, I shouldn't have been surprised at last Sunday's events.

A lovely couple came into a wine tasting and we started chatting. I can't remember how we got on the topic, but it turns out the wife and I have both done charity bike rides. I mentioned that I had completed mine on a hybrid. "Oh heavens!" she said, "I'm impressed." At the end of the conversation - knowing how much money she needed to raise for her upcoming involvement in the PanMass Challenge, I told her to please stop by again and I would pledge her.

After telling me how nice that was, she asked if I'd ever thought about getting a road bike. Sure, I joked, if you can buy it for me.

"Actually, I have a really good one sitting in my garage. I upgraded to a newer model - and this one needs a seat and its gears need re-stringing - but otherwise it's in great shape."

She was serious and even made it sound like I was doing her a favor by taking it out of her garage.

Yea karma. Yea good neighbors. Yea help one another out anyway we can. Yea Universe.