I KNOW that I should be looking ahead. After all, the future holds unknowing wonders for me. The Universe will point me toward what is right.
Today I walked along Niles Beach. I remember calling friends and saying: "Do you hear that? That's the ocean. I live here." I remember walking up to visit "my rock" in a raging snowstorm thinking: Things will be OK. The Universe brought me to this place I love.
I know that I should - must - concentrate on what is before me. Living in the space of a beloved friend. Being close to .. everything ... and closer to friends I love.
I should honor the loss but also embrace the future. So why does it seem so hard?
In some way, I feel that moving is an acknowledgement of surrender. If I'd be making ye olde Pearson salary, maybe I could float the entire rent. If I'd dealt with roomie earlier, maybe I could have found a suitable replacement. But realistically and objectivelly: yes, there were things within my control I could have managed differently. There were also many factors beyond my control that I might have responded to differently. The lesson here is for me to take away knowledge from each.
So, I deal with this knowledge. But I still find myself:
Standing on Niles Beach, remembering the first time I felt: "That's the ocean. I hear the waves. I live here."
Standing on the Back Shore in full-on snow gear, watching the water froth over "my rock" and believing "The Universe wants me here, so I'll find a way."
Running in the morning, smelling the muffins baking at The Last Stop and seeing the sun rise against the backdrop of the Twin Lights.
Going for a bikeride and pausing at Bearskin Neck for a Gatorade and a glance at the Lobster Boats heading out to sea.
A friend of mine asked me recently, where would I be heading. I told her my destination and how happy I was to be moving into a safe space, But then I added, "But I'll come back. Because my heart - my soul - is here." And, yes, I started to cry.
I can't believe that leaving a place can be as heart-breaking as losing a lover. And, I PROMISE, I will embrace my new living space and my new hometown. But I pledge I will return. Because the memories will just keep coming back.