Been having a really rough couple of days. Here's why:
1) Unemployment got screwed up b/c of piece-o-shit restaurant job
2) Health insurance got screwed up b/c of beauracratic paperwork BS
3) Part-time job offered me one thing and then changed it mid-stream. Resulting in supreme less money but still lots of time.
All of this is leading me down the primrose path that one job ago had me hospitalized in a psych ward for a suicide attempt.
Why do people keep taking advantage of me? Why do I keep trying to do my best and yet fall flat on my face? Why do I try to identify myself through activities and not personhood? Why do I let negative situations affect my impression of the footprint of my true soul?
I wound up tonight in uncontrollable tears, in the bathtub (do the math). I called Good Buddy. And you know what? He talked me down. Yes, he helped me to cry - to get it all (mostly) out. But then he made me laugh. He got what I was crying about and why.And then he turned the discussion on its head and inadvertantly (?) gave me reasons to think about why staying around might not suck.
I'm feeling lonely and alone. I've been sick and Handsome Man hasn't had the time to call, much less visit and stroke my hair or offer me soup. I have a job that isn't really a job and I'm frustrated and feeling passive aggressive. These are not pleasant feelings. They do not contribute to the fullness of my soul.
But I can't afford to buy a new cat-water filter much less a trip to Kripalu. So I guess I'll have to find a peaceful place on my own.
Or, the courage to combine a very warm bath and an Exacto (R) Knife.