Friday, January 27, 2012

Dream dream dream dreeeeeeeeam dream

With the help of therapy, sweet therapy, I've been working through a lot of stuff. I'm tired of (using the words of a good friend) my "well-earned sabbatical" and wishing to return to a life of gainfull employment. That said, I don't want to enter back into the world that left me distraught and destroyed.

I've decided I want to get further into event management. And, given my history, that shouldn't be too hard. Hah! Granted, not many weeks into resume circulation, but still I'm feeling disheartened.

So that leaves me here. Nearly 5 a.m. Again. I had a dream so real, so painful, so distressing it woke me with a scream. It involved the NFP I've been doing some freelance work for that quickly realized itself as a baaaad situation. (Why do I keep falling into those?) The dream ended in me seated at a row of computers, looking at an old-school DOS screen that said, "Job Over. Job Over. Job Over." For a few moments, I wasn't sure it wasn't real.

That's the second time in two days I've had that kind of dream.

According to dream therapy, that's just me working through shit. But it stinks. I feel like I'm in Nightmare on Elm Street except, instead of Freddie Kruegar, I have Ghosts of Recent Past.

So, tomorrow, I'm supposed to drive 1/2 hour to interview witha guy who graduated college 8 years after I did about a banquet server position. The idea is that I'll slowly transition into ... banquet management. But I'm disheartened. Do I really need to drive 30 minutes each way every day to be a waitress in the hopes I'll one day get the chance to move up the ladder? Or is it more worthwhile to get a job at Panera and hope management ensues? One seems more likely than the other. Still, desperate times call for desperate measures. N'est-ce pas?

It's pouring rain and I'm distressed and depressed and honestly debating how this afternoon will turn out. Oy vey.

Finally, I have tickets to see the wonderful and talented Marc Maron tomorrow/today. I should be psyched. But, all I can think of, in his words: "Really? This again? This whole "waking up" thing?" This whole "facing the day thing?"Really?" (If you're a fan of MM, you'll get that.)

The thing is, I actually feel - in general - a lot better than I've been feeling these days. Just having all this existential angst to deal with is a major bummer. Maybe I can stop dreaming? Maybe I can stop thinking so damn hard...?