Redux of Broken Heart Redux

SO.... fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me for the fifth time in a row ... and I really need to change the order of my speed-dial. Once again, GB was coming to town and we could "really spend some QT." Fast forward a week or so and QT was "dinner or lunch." Fast forward to today when I get the text that, "I won't be able to see you." When am I going to learn? When am I going to stop getting my hopes up and realize that, despite his protests that all he has is his word, he breaks his word again and again? Why do I keep forgiving and forgetting? I have no answer. The only thing I know is that the last time I said goodbye to him, it took me years to stop imagining I saw him around every corner. And I just don't know if I have the energy to do that on a daily basis. This behavior makes me miserable, but for a few days at a time. Can I take it on as a fulltime job? I should. All my self-love and independance say that's the best course for healthy self-fulfillment. But just how realistic is it?

As a woman who, as a child,was once spoiled by her dad, I have many wonderful memories. Even more so now that I have found happiness and he has found some sense of equalibriam. Popps - I will never forget or dismiss the feelings of love and home and joy when you sang me this to sleep. Poppo Soppo San, Ichi Ban

So much good - so little bad

But why do we focus on the bad? I'm not Thich Nat Han or Depak Chopra, so I don't know. I just know what is for me. I've had an awesome week full of job offers and friend making and fitness goal-reaching. So why, at 11:30 pm - am I stressing about the fact that GoodBuddy is steadily making his way up the East Coast Seaboard? I told him outright that I need to do some thinking about whether or not seeing him would do me any good. Sure, I want (desperately want) to see him. But would the harm outweigh the good? After all, that's what my entire session with Awesome Therapist was about this week. There are things that annoy or disturb or dissapoint us. And sometimes, they're unbearable. But sometimes they are the price we pay for a greater good. It is the job of a healthy mind to distinguish the two. So what do I do now? I have no idea. And although this has been one of the most fantastic weeks of my recent life, I'm still unsure. I feel like I'm strong enough to see him and hold my own and not freak out. But I worry that my love (and we all know absence makes the heart grow fonder...) will cloud my judgement. I want more than anything to see him. Hold him. Smell that scent that is uniquely his, hear the laugh that is uniquely his. But what price will I have to pay for that experience? I worry that the price is too high... Details to follow

Anniversaries

Tomorrow is a big day for me.

Tomorrow marks a very significant day in my life.

A year ago tomorrow, I had a nervous breakdown.

I couldn't say those words at the time. Corporate America doesn't like them. They suggest weak and sick and insane.

What they suggested to me was that I was in a toxic environment (for me at least) and needed to get the hell out.

It took me almost a full year to get out - and only then by force.

But here I am, a year later and exponentially happier. I have friends. I have a dream. I have a vibrant, loving and quirky community that supports and accepts and admires me. I have time to collect shells amidst sleet and contemplate trees from the edge of a hillside.

There are so many things I couldn't have done this without. But the Universe gave me those gifts. And I am so very grateful.

It's been my mantra for so long it's almost become trite. But it's moments like this that it takes shape and becomes an entity in its own right. Step into the flow of Grace and all will be Good.

Om Shanti.

And we wonder why they hate us...

Let me start this off by saying: I fully realize that, in posting this, I am admitting to being a total hypocrite. But, hey, most of the best writers are, right? ;-)

Still, I am obsessed with how much I hate the new "YouTube Sensation" Friday. First off, there's the origin. Some rich man spilled a lot of money to give his daughter the means to create a video for her original "song." As for content, it outlines the important crisis' of choosing the front seat or back seat, what to wear and suffering through school in order to make it to Friday so you can Party.

And this is getting press at a time when Japan is admitting the earthquake/tsunami will be the most expensive recovery effort ever, new information is surfacing on the BP oil spill, a no-fly zone is being inforced over Libya and collective bargaining rights are being whittled away...

Here's where the hypocrisy creeps in...

Yesterday, I was in the shower at the gym where I am steadfastly combatting bra overhang. Yes, I am committed to the battle against gravity and fat grams. It's MY hypocritical war...

In the shower stalls next to me were two girls, loudly discussing whether they should bring Jaegar or Capt Morgan to the party tonight. And how wasted they were at the New Years party, which is why they ...
probablyShouldn'tBringTheCapt.BecauseSheHadNeverGottenSoDrunkBecauseSheWasPartyingSoHardButThenSheGotGerSecondWind AndWentToJake'sAndThenTheyWereDoingShotsAndSheLostCountAndHerMomGotSoMadBecausShe MissedCurfewButThereWasNoWaySheCouldGoHomeBecauseSheWasSoDrunkAndThrewUpSoMuchAndTotallyRuinedHerDressThatSheGotAtAbercrombieAndHerMomWouldHaveBeenPissedAnywayBecauseThatDressTotallyCost100Bucks ...

Look, I know we all have our unique problems that occupy our minds. I want to look good at the beach, I'm still angry at my shitty ex-boss, I hate cleaning out kitty litter. And I know we can't live our lives entirely and completely concerned with the pain and destruction happening outside of our control.

But shouldn't we try to balance the two? Shouldn't we work to alleviate both our own suffering and the suffering of the world? Or at least work to alleviate ours in awareness of the other?

I don't have the answer to that. I don't come close to thinking I'm anywhere near approaching Ghandi or Mother Theresa. But I hope that some of their wisdom and understanding can penetrate my Universe...