How to be Type Lowercase A

I know I sound like a broken record, but it's been so great to get so much time to focus on my own stuff. Getting back to the gym, fixing up odds and ends - like FINALLY changing the lightbulb in my kitchen overhead... - and sorting out my life.

Problem is, I've got so much backlog from when I was slaving at a desk that I've got tons of "my stuff" to attend to. And, because I'm me, I want to get it all done. This Week. And that's causing almost as much anxiety as life in a cube.

My stand-in therapist (yea - regular Amazing Therapist back in March!) had a great suggestion: make every decision on a case by case basis. So, do I go to the gym in the late morning and hang around feeling grubby? Or do I blow of the gym to shower and feel fresh and clean? These questions may seem so mundane, but they really do help alleviate the heart attacks.

I've had a couple of things - big and small - on my to-do list. What I'm slowly learning is that I really do need to think about them in manageable chunks. I made it to the gym today. I got a replacement bulb for that damn kitchen lamp. That was enough - just having the bulb. But, then, I got the inspiration to try to install it and, voila, there was light. But I would have been satisfied if not proud just to have bought the bulb.

And, yeah, I still want to build a shelf to organize my pint glass collection or a filing cabinet to tuck away all the rapidly accumulating unemployment paperwork. But that can wait. I'll do my best to spend the rest of tonight reading, chilling with the kitties and basically bumping on a log...

I'm not going to fix or organize or unwind my tangled life in one week or even one month. But, I'm (painfully) learning the patient approch to getting things done in the right priority. Without killing myself or winding up in the hospital.

Touche!

-K

It's a Brand New Day

No, I'm not quoting the Dr. Horrible song (although it IS fantastic and if you haven't seen the movie yet, what is wrong with you?). But that is truly how I'm feeling.

I spent most of last week wallowing. Work was on hold for a few days because of schedule issues and, for that reason, I seemed to hit a wall. Maybe it was because I was once again in limbo and I am sooooo not good at being in limbo. True Leo-style, I need to be in charge and on the prowl.

But this week is already so much different. The new schedule is out (although the scheduling process is already making me twitchy. People can be SO disorganized! But more on that later...). And now that I'm on the schedule, I can have a structure to my day. I know what days I have commitments and what days I don't and what I need to get down and how I should go about getting those things accomplished. Feels purdy derned good.

There's lots of progress on the other front too. Met today with a Business Strategist who specializing in advising entrepreneurs. He gave me some fantastic ideas for setting out on my research, identifying options and obstacles and concrete next steps. All at once, I feel like my dream isn't really all that far off.

So, it's strange to say that I am busier now than I was when I was "working." Perhaps because the work I'm doing now is building My Life Business. And not serving someone or something else. I have a chance to work with and for things that make me feel good - like the Farmers Market and the Time Bank, organizing my "stuff" that's been laying around in piles far too longs and FINALLY getting back in shape.

So, it's been several Brand New Days and I am confident they will keep on comin. I'm sure I have a little more wallowing in me, but I'm hopeful that those are the exception and not the rule.

Milkbone Underwear

Over the past few weeks, I've really been struggling with this "life transition." I know in my heart and soul that escaping "corporate America" is what I need to do. But there is so much baggage connected to that. I've been feeling grief and fear, worry that I will disappoint, worry that I will fail. Carving your own way is difficult enough, what with the thorns and brambles that threaten to tear at you. Add to that the concern - lack of confidence - from your immediate family and, well you can figure the rest out.

But, here's the rub. I was having dinner with a wonderful friend (you can never know how wonderful) tonight and this realization hit me like a brick. The world of business (as Scrooge would have said) is about competition - coming out ahead, climbing the corporate ladder better, quicker, more adeptly. The life-view that I hold (you may call it spirituality or religion or mantra or whatever) is that we are all in this together. We are all pieces of a giant, brilliant, radiant whole and that when we support one another, we support all.

A few years ago, when I was suffering through a painful breakup from a lover who had all but alientated me from my friends, I attended a ritual for the Celtic New Year. I felt alone and barren and bereft. And this very same friend reached over and rubbed my shoulders, took me into her arms. She had no reason to reach out to me - I had abandoned her without cause or explanation. But she saw my fear and pain and bore it with me.

The long and short of it is this: those that get ahead in the "business" world - corporate or educational or any other hiearchical structure - are those that know how to compete. And those of us that live to serve humanity and a higher cause, well... we're basically just fucked.

But, in being fucked (metaphorically of course) we have so much to gain. We are free to pursue our own paths, to forge new directions, to join forces in unexpected ways, to create a network of people supporting people.

It may be a radical notion, but one I can hope for as a better way ahead.

In the ever-echoing words of ancients before me: "So mote it be."

And this is why I love Canadians

If you haven't heard, I am somewhat obsessed with Canadian Stand-Up Comedy (See here for proof). I don't know why. But XM LaughAttack 153 is my go-to whenever I need a giggle. It's DEFINITELY an XL channel but the humor is usually much more insightfully vulgar than gratuitously vulgar.

A good example of this is Darren Frost. Unfortunately, none of the bits that are my favorites are available on youtube. I'll keep trying and update when appropriate.

BUT - here is the amazing thing. I listen to Darren's show and enjoy his stand-up tremendously. But he's not readily available on YouTube or iTunes. So I emailed him. And he sent me his DVD. ...BEFORE he asked for payment.

If you're in the States, that's a sign of a lunatic. If you're in Canada, that's a sign of a human being.

I mailed the check off today. If it gets where it's going, well, that's a case for the RCMP. But I held just as true to my end of the deal as he did.

This isn't the only Canadian Comedian who has offered this kind of deal.

In addition to the laughter, this has taught me one fundamental thing: why is humanity - and specifically US-based humanity - so cynical? He mailed me the DVD. I mailed him the check It's right and honest and fair and enjoyable, Wouldn't it be a great world if more things were like that?

I truly think Darren would agree with that. But he'd still call me Fucky if I sat in the front row...

Flowing with Grace and All that Other Nonsense

The style of yoga I most love, Anusara, has one central theme: soften and open to Grace. The theory behind this is, if you open to Grace, grace will lead you the way.

This morning, I was having a VERY hard time getting out of bed. I'd had another bout of my infamous insomnia and, after finally falling back to sleep, I had nightmare after torturiously realistic nightmare. I woke up, still exhausted, and really wanted nothing more than to stay in bed all day. If I didn't HAVE to be anywhere, I didn't WANT to be anywhere.

But then, on a whim, I checked out the schedule at a local yoga studio. And, snap!, one of my favorite teachers was teaching at noon. It was 9. Plenty of time to do the annoying little things I'd put on my "to do" list and still make it to class. And then, class was only 10 minutes away from a theatre showing a film I wanted to see, The Rite." PS - don't make the same mistake I did.

Then, I got a call from a local Time Bank friend who can offer help on start-up businesses. And then I got a call from the contact of the PR firm working with the CAFM this year. And she invited me to a Women and Wine networking event this Thursday. Then I chatted with the admissions counselor from the nearby community college about their entrepreneurship certificate. And then I talked to someone from the Time Banks about promoting their annual fundraiser. And then...

So, I forced myself out of bed for yoga. And all this other "and then's" happened. And people STILL doubt the power of the Universe and the laws of attraction and the theory of karma? Seriously? Doods, I am living friggin proof!

PS -- Kitty curled up contentedly on my bed. She hasn't journeyed upstairs in weeks. She MUST be feeling better. Yea!!!!!!!!!!!!!