Holy Matrimony

I admit, I watched the whole royal wedding. I didn't want to, but the reminiscince of the wedding of Diana - on my birthday - was too compelling.

Yet, the beauty and the paegentry reminded me of that what is lacking in my own life. I can celebrate victories of my own accord. And I can enjoy the results of disruptive circumstances.

The fact remains, when I need support or comfort, I simply cannot turn to Handsome Man. How I wish that I could. For that is what I need of a lover; not a "fixer" but a "comforter." Alas, it doesn't seem that we will ever see eye to eye. And so maybe we need to say goodbye.

.Protocal

Many years ago, Lady Diana Spencer married Prince Charles on my birthday, the 29 of July. I woke early, with my best friend alongside, and watched the entire proceedings. Lady/Princess Diana wore a beautiful dress ... for the 80's. Regardless, she was a princess for an age needing a princess.

Now, it's time for Dianna's son to lead the realm. And in 6+ hours, the festivities will begin. I WANT to watch. I'm eager to see the pageantry and decorum. I also feel slightly guilty about transcending my actual concerns with the distraction of something that means, to be frank, little regarding my daily life and concerns.

The girl in me that threw quarters into the pond at Bloomingdales and wished to wear a Cinderella dress, and the woman in me that adored three days spent in DisneyWorld with unlimited chances to meet princesses, and the person in me who wears trailgear and functional-wear - we're in a bit of a quandry.

Do I waant to wake up uber early to see the pageantry? Or do I just really want to sleep long and deep?

I can't believe this is even a matter of importance....

Warning - dork-itude ahead

I've truly and honestly been trying to get into the Game of Thrones. I mean, it seems like something right up my alley. But watching it - and so many of it's kin - it just doesn't hold water. I have a map of Arthurian England on my bedroom wall. I have a gilded copy of Mallory's Morte d'Arthur on my bookshelf. Hell, I have a mapped out family tree and a graded copy of an Honors Treatise. Can any story come up against that comprehensive tale of love and angst and fealty and betrayal? Sure - I have some knowledgeable friends who would protest intelligently and effectively that there are collections of work that do just that. But a single, narrative myth that encompasses so many emotions, so much raw humanity... I just don't see it. And these new stories, adapted by HBO and Showtime and Starz and... while they might serve the purpose of viewership, they just don't hold up. The reality is, the stories of old, twisted and meddled with in every which way, are still the originals. They had it right back then. And we shouldn't keep trying to improve upon the old ways. Because they can't be improved upon... Sorry to be all dork-i-tude. But I did graduate with honors...

Pet Peeves

OK - so we all have a lot going on in our lives. And it's tough to keep all the details of all our friends' activities straight. But I try, for the most part, to keep the basics in mind. So-and-so is going on vacation the week of ... such-and-such is going to be home the week of ... ETC. So, yea, it's tough. But, when it comes to the people you love ... Handsome Fella knew on Tuesday that a dear dearest friend and her living-abroad husband would be visiting. He got pissed that I couldn't have lunch with him. Tonight, he's called twice despite me telling him that I would be hanging with another good friend. Yesterday, when I told him I was out in Ipswich he asked me why. UM? Because I have a job interview and I'm freaking about money? I know he's got a lot of stuff on his mind. But so do I. And is it really that hard to keep the details of your girlfriends life in mind? It's coming time for me to re-evaluate the situation. He learns - but only in retrospect. And he is sweet and caring, but only when he's available to. Now that I've got more time to think and less time stressing about (frankly) meaningless shite, I think some serious meditation is in order... So there you have it.

Homeopathy is a crock - Matt Kirshen

I DON'T believe homeopathy is a crock. But I do belive we need to be aware of ALL our options.

Be Open to New Doors and New Doors will Appear

Now that I once again have stabilized on meds (generously donated to me until I can get this COBRA shit straightened out) I can return to my normal, optimistic self. I still haven't heard from the restaurant owner/manager who explicity told me that he wanted to hire me and then proceeded to cease communication. Yes, I would love to work there. It will give me insight into an industry in which I want to enter. But, I also have to make sure girlfriend can make ends meet... To that effect, I sent out a few email responses to Craigslist ads and, surprisingly, received a few sincere responses. On of which was not even on my radar screen until I saw the ad, but now presents itself as a really positive opportunity. So, I guess what I'm learning from this experience is that I need to ward off that (unmedicated) feeling that I am behind a locked metal door with no options, to realize there are options aplenty, above and beyond and exceeding my expectations. It's easy to fall into the pit of despair that I am sentened to poverty and pain. But once I allow the option of success and bounty to enter into my life, it can come to be. More will be known once I have the "official" interview on Tuesday. But with all options on the table, I'm feeling pretty hopeful that at least one will return on investment.

I Dare You

I HATE people who dismiss mental illness as "craziness" or medical treatments as "quackery." I, of all people. am sceptical of the western-paradigm of medicine. For example, the name brand of the medicine prescribed to me costs $565. The generic is $120. Not all that accesible for many suffering from mental illness... Here's the thing - mental illness is a THING. It's not something you can get over or think yourself out of or be better or stronger than. I have been raised to "push yourself 110% and then ten steps further." I got all A's in school and if I didn't I was sad. I graduated Phi Betta Kappa, Magna Cum Laude. I am NOT a slacker and I am NOT a loser. I am NOT a beggar eating out of trash cans. But I could be. This last week, my COBRA reimbursement hadn't come through. And a job offer was put on hold. Balanced, I could have dealt with this as unfortunately but a reason to just pull together my resources and Git Er Done. Unfortunately, I couldn't affort my meds until today. And yesterday, I found myself crying, scared and in bed. I didn't shower. I didn't put in my contacts. It wasn't a day I was proud of. But there wasn't much else I could do. Today, I managed to get up, get showered, and get to my doctors' appointments. I was "off" but I knew I needed help. And help I got. My doctor offered me some samples until I could afford my prescription. And then, in the parking lot, I took my meds. Not five hours later, I've sent in four applications for part time jobs, envision a cover letter for a position that could be truly awesome and come to the realization that the original offer might not be off the table but just not a priority right now. In short, I am functioning on a rational and clear level. I would love to say it's because I read a chapter of Thich Nat Han during lunch and took a yoga class after. But I know it's because the stuff that makes up my brain is being helped out by some chemical help. Mental issues - mental illness - isn't a made up thing. It's not an excuse. I am strong and intelligent and driven and ambitious. But I also have a brain that needs crutches when I get a mental shin splint. Tonight, I will go to sleep and know that I will wake up tomorrow - maybe a bit tired - but defintitely ready to get up and get out of bed.

Grow a Pair

So, I've believed for several weeks that I had landed a gig at a local, fantastic, restaurant. I believed so when the owner/manager sent me an email saying: "I definitely want to hire you. Let's meet - Wednesday OK for you?" The restaurant opens on Thursday. I called Friday. I called Saturday. I called today. Twice. If he's changed his mind, OK. I mean, I'm pissed b/c all signs pointed to jobby job and I turned down not one but two other positions. And the courteous thing to do would be to give a call and say, No Thanks. Or if it's still in the works, call and say, I'm swamped, I'll call soon and we can figure out logistics. It's the business version of He's Just Not Into You. Except this could mean living off $50 a week or having enough money to occasionaly fill up my gas tank. So, yeah, I'm effing pissed. And applying for other summer positions. DUDE - grow a pair and call me back.

Warning: Sappiness Ahead

Tonight was the Cape Ann Farmers' Market fundraiser. It's the second fundraiser I've been "responsible" for this month. And now I'm suffering the let-down effect. What is really making me teary-eyed is this: a year ago,all these people were strangers. I felt out of place and a stranger at the same event. This year, I had plenty of people to talk to and had no problem introducing myself to more. I shared jokes with neighbors and shared many hugs and many laughs. Yes, I'm worried about money. I haven't had confirmation about the part-time gig. If I don't get it, the reality is, I can't make ends meet on unemployment alone. So, i"m concerned. At the same time, I know that so many wonderful people and wonderful things have wandered into my life since I broke free from the chains of Corporate America that things will work out. If you asked me today if I would go back, the answer would be clearly NO, I feel fulfilled and happy and supported and know that when I get teary, it's for all the right reasons. I believe strongly and wholly in the power of being open to the Universe and its power. So, I will believe that I will get the gig I'm hoping for and, if not, will find another suitable gig. In the meantime, I will revel in the community and the environment I have found. I will cry when I need to and laugh at every possible emotion. I am blessed and proud to be a part of organizations that make our town and our life a better place to live. I am priveleged to be part of the community that makes those organizations possible. And, above all, I am in awe of the people that these organizations have introdued me to. When you give it, you get it. It's true, I believe it, and 'nuff said. PS - I got four free bottles of wine...

Waaaaaay TMI - NSFW

For those who follow my blog (and, honestly, there's probably not many of you), if you woudl prefer not to know, ahem, personal matters then leave right now. But I feel this blog is a chance for me to share the ups and downs of an ex-Corporate slave, bi-polar dork who is on the cusp of finding her own happiness. And that comes in all sorts of flavors. I have been dating Handsome Man for almost a year. And while I love him and think he's one of the most caring indivuals I've ever met, he's not, as one could say, a mighty lover. He's older. He's not in the greatest shape of his life. And I have the distinct impression that hes 1) been alone so long and 2) watched so much pRon that real life doesn't really "do it." So, okay. But you have to realize this comes on the heels of Good Buddy. 'Nuff said. Here's where it gets interesting. I haven't been able to fill my prescription for my anti-depressant (see COBRA sux). This isn't the major "crazy pill" that keeps me from wantiing to kill myself. But it is the pill that was, as they say, stifling my libido. So, until Wed, I'm feeling ... frisky. And H.M. isn't up for the task. So the time has come for me to wonder: 1) is it better to feel slightly "off" but want to F*** Handsome Man (and/or fantasize about GoodBuddy and various and sundry others) or 2) is it better to be totally "normal" and face the reality that in the rare occoasions H.M. feels amorous it isn't going to be ... truly satisfying. I guess the question boils down to: physical or mental happiness? Can I find enough reasons to get up in the morning to merit the physical reaction? Or will I regress into the state where even putting laundry away felt too overwhelming a task? The choice, on paper, seems clear. But in reality, not so much. After all, you can wear clothes straight out of the laundry basket. They may be wrinkel but they're clean...

Passive Aggressive Conundrum

My roommate has outed himself as completely passive aggressive. Here's the issue: One of my kitties is prone to "marking" anything of large proportion that doesn't smell like Mommy (that's me). What can I say - she's a total Momma's Girl. I recall an incident years ago when she did so to one of my best friends who also has cats. There's nothing I can do about it. She's a cat and doesn't speak English. Unfortunately, she's decided that my roommate doesn't smell like Mom. So she's started marking his property. We worked out practicalities of keeping her out of his room and that's worked so far. But he also keeps his comforter in an "open" room. Guess what? The problem is, I can't talk to him directly about the issue. Oh, I've tried. But his reaction is to confront me passive aggressively. I get nasty text messages, complete with pictures. He posts shit on my Facebook wall. I know it's an issue. It must suck to feel that all of your belongings have to be quarantined from the "common areas." But until we figure out how to train kitty, that's just the reality. Not to mention, keeping a comforter on top of an end table probably isn't the best location in itself... I want to talk about these things openly and in an adult fashion. It's not comfortable but it's necessary. But when I try, he acts like I'm attacking him. If it's such a problem for him, well, then, move out. If you can deal with it and accept a solution that may not be ideal but works for now, well, let's talk. I just can't stand this passive aggressive B.S. I've given him pass after pass. I paid utilities on my own for a couple of months. I gave him a month pass on rent (which he's never made up.) I think I've earned some honesty and frank discussion. I don't know what to do. I want to post something looking for a new roommate, but I also know he's cruising CraigsList. It's a fucking Conundrum and what can I do to get out of it? I shouldn't have to work this hard at a relationship that isn't even a relationship... UGH.

Pondering

A week or so ago, I visited a Tarot reader. I honestly don't pay much credence to what he had to offer, since a lot of it seemed off base. But he did say this. "You are a married woman, yes?" When I replied no, he offered this explanation: "Well, you may not be married in this life, but you are eternally connected. In past lives, you are linked. Not necessarily man and wife, but linked. This person rides along with your incarnations and you have a bond beyond this world." At the time, I was thinking of Handsome Man. Yes, I love him. But a tie beyond time and space? It just didn't feel right. Enter all the debaucle with Good Buddy. Such a fight. His inability to see me without a decent explanation why. My jumping to conclusions out of sheer anguish and distrust. The passionate arguments that ensued. And here am I realizing what the cards might have read. Good Buddy and I might truly be tied to one another life after life. Who knows why and who know when. But why, after fight after fight and friendship v lover, and near v far, and tears v jokes, do we keep coming back to one another? He has been the source of the worst pain in my life. And the source of the best joy in my life. And every which way in between. Right now, I have no idea where we're at. We shared a lot of intense thoughts the last few days. He summed it up pretty well: "You, Me, Us. We're all still a work in progress. We don't have to figure it out now. But it's good to know we'll stand together while we do." I know now who the tarot cards were reading. It is painful and it is joyous. And, like it or not, friends or lovers, it is Good Buddy,

The Secret

OK, so I've never read The Secret. I've never read any Deepak Chopra. I've never read any of the books on those shelves in the bookstore... But I DO know that when you open yourself to The Universe, you usually get what you're lookin' for. You still have to work for it, but the opportunities arise. Here's the skinny. I just met w/ the owner of an awesome restaurant. I pitched the idea of him hiring me as a contractor, not as an employee. It's unconventional, but entirely legit. If his book-keeper signs off, I'm looking at ~$500 a week. Add that to my "paycheck" from Uncle Sam, and I'm just about breaking even from the last, horrible, unbearable corporate gig. Add to that the chance to meet people, have days free for beach or biking, and plenty of time to work on Ye Olde Business Plan. Dear Universe, thank you. You know I'm not a Bible-thumper, but I knocked and you sure answered! PS - More on the saga of GoodBuddy soon - and it's positive progression - but today I'm just gonna bask in sunshine and joy...

Redux of Broken Heart Redux

SO.... fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me for the fifth time in a row ... and I really need to change the order of my speed-dial. Once again, GB was coming to town and we could "really spend some QT." Fast forward a week or so and QT was "dinner or lunch." Fast forward to today when I get the text that, "I won't be able to see you." When am I going to learn? When am I going to stop getting my hopes up and realize that, despite his protests that all he has is his word, he breaks his word again and again? Why do I keep forgiving and forgetting? I have no answer. The only thing I know is that the last time I said goodbye to him, it took me years to stop imagining I saw him around every corner. And I just don't know if I have the energy to do that on a daily basis. This behavior makes me miserable, but for a few days at a time. Can I take it on as a fulltime job? I should. All my self-love and independance say that's the best course for healthy self-fulfillment. But just how realistic is it?