A Moderately Dissapointing Response

Today, at Gloucester's "Sidewalk Days" - wherein Main St. and independant vendors alike hawk their wares - I spoke with someone who lives in my neighborhood and who's wife is running for School Committee. I listened patiently to her platform and even agreed to a certain extent on her views. The drawback here is, while I care desperately about how funds in the city are allocated to public education, I don't actually have children benefitting from the funding or lack thereof of schooling.

But, I have to admit, I was highly distraught by this actual and true exchange.

Vendor: Do you have children yourself?

Me: No. I'm childless." (see blank stare) "Um, by choice."

Vendor: Oh yes. My wife and I were childless by choice. Until we realized all our friends were having kids and didn't we figured we should have part in the fun. So we decided to have a family. I'm sure you know what I mean. I mean, eventually...?"

It is at this point that my definition of "childless by choice" seems to fall short. Because my answer is...

No.

No not all.

I am childless and happy about it.

In fact, I often see my friends with kids and feel really bad that I'm flaunting my own life in their face.

OK - in all honestly, it's a LOT more complicated than that, but still... I'm really tired, on this my first full day of 34-year-old-ness, of being treated like I have a virus called Childlessitis. I don't. It's all good. I got the vaccine.

I think those of this world who have kids and are supportive parents are great, wonderful, admirable and amazing. It's just not for me. It's just that I realized I didn't want to be a mom -- before I became one. Which, in my humble opinion, is the right order to decide it in...

Happy Birthday. I am blessed.

I am one of those crazy adults who still think birthdays count for something. I don't know why. But every year I look forward to and try to make the most of my birthday.

July 29. Best little day of the whole year.

Last year, it was a bit of a dicey day. I'd fairly recently split from a relationship. I'd been laid off. I was up for a new job. I was living with a roommate. I was waitressing (again). I had no way of knowing how or what the Universe had planned for me. I remember wondering how, why and what. I remember feeling utterly lonely and - sadly - very sad.

This week I made the wonderous decision to take a vacation from work and just stay home. And how many ways it has paid off. I am fully and totally realizing how wonderfully blessed I am. And it's not even the Big Day yet.

To whit:

I spent a weekend with a wonderful woman and her son who are intelligent, insightful, centered, witty, kind, caring and thoughtful. She strategically hid a birthday card and present - which was sweet enough in itself. Even sweeter? She quoted my favorite line from my favorite book. She rocks.

My wonderously talented friend came up today and treated me to a decadent day at the beach. Champagne from plastic cups, lazy floating in the ocean and an indulgence of my rambling (okay, buzzy) tales.

At least three random people told me I was glowing. True, it might be the sunburn. But it might be the inner joy.

GoodBuddy called to tell me, "I wanted to, but am not gonna, be able to stay awake another hour and a half to be the first person to wish you a happy birthday."

I have three days left of peaceful vacationing bliss. Many of these will be spent surrounded by people who are becoming a valued and vital part of my life. Yes, life changes. And we never know what is around the corner. But if we trust in The Universe I do believe we will find out that It's All Good.

Staycation

The term staycation means a little bit more to me...

I've been travelling so much this past year - officially a full year on 29 July - that having a week to not leave my island is heaven. In fact, the only reason I'm not currently dipping my toes in the sand is because the polish on them is currently drying. Green, in case you're wondering.

I am really going to challenge myself to not check the blackberry or stress out at all during the week. Yes, there are a few work projects I actually need to do. File expenses for one - which is partly about meeting month-end deadlines and partly about recouping the hundreds of dollars I front for good ole jobby job. But I really - really - am going to do my best not to get wrapped up in CBL's anxiety.

Because, while I was hanging out with wonderful friend YogaGirl this weekend, she said something so brilliant, so insightful - SO FRIGGIN SIMPLE - it stunned me. I made the mistake of checking the BB on Saturday night at 11 pm. Right before bed. And saw a bunch of emails that started, "I know you're on vacation, but..." And I cried. And YogaGirl's advice? "It's not your job to fix her. If she's stressing out on a Saturday night, that's her. It's not you. You're not her mom or her therapist or her boss or even her friend. Put the blackberry down and go to bed."

She's right.

So, this week, my job is to relax, make a permanent me-shaped dent in the sand, do some yoga, watch some waves, and just enjoy.

I'll post about the exhaustive weekend with amazing YogaGirl and son later. Stay tuned for pearls of wisdom from a six-year old.

Today's Horoscope

No lie... This is too good to be true

Plans for working at home at least part of the time might be firming up for you. Your mind is very much right now on home and family, and so you might be thinking in terms of leaving the rat race of the city and creating your own office. Success is highly indicated, so it's well worth going for. If you start planning today, you might have it worked out in no time.

How to make the front desk staff laugh uncomfortably

when checking into a hotel.

When they ask you, "How are you today, Ms. Smith?" just look at them for a really long minute. And then, very slowly, say this in reply.

"I'd be better if the book I'd picked up as 'light and fluffy airplane reading' didn't start off with 50 pages about dying of ovarian cancer. Thanks for asking though. Do you have a tissue I can use?"

It's a decent read, btw. Just not exactly light. Or fluffy. More like overwrought and melodramitic. But unfortunately, pushing all my right buttons. I do love this review of it though:

These reviews fill my shriveled, black heart with redemption and affirmation..., By Laurel F. Armar (Louisville, KY United States) - See all my reviews I am so glad to see that I am not the only one who thinks Radish is a tad melodramatic. Is she trying to write the Next Great Sentence? Katherine hasn't even finished her phone call to Laura and I want to chuck this book. And dude, just let the bra go. I am not against chick-lit. I am against really bad, poorly written, poorly edited, contrived, overwrought chick-lit. I am against this book.

Activate the technology blocker

I think that I am emitting some strange electromagnetic signal. Because last week, while I was in Baltimore 1) my hard drive ate itself 2) my Blackberry died 3) the wireless card (external, thank you very much) on my very ancient, very heavy personal laptop shit the bed.

It was a very technologically challenged week.

It was also a very exhausting week.

In addition to the 10 hour days I was pulling in the video studio working on film edits, I had the evenings full of requisite "normal" work - including the thousands of CBL mails.

I kid you not - I got this while I was on the plane:

"Subject: Need to know how to use your fax machine. Please call me ASAP."

Now, instead of reading the instruction book that is right next to the machine or asking the receptionist at the front desk how to use the main fax or asking any one of the 200 other employees in the building how to use any of the other of dozens of fax machines ... she waited for me to call her back. When I finally did - around 4:45 - I got an earful about how the form was due by five and she was really cutting it close now. Um, excuse, I thought cellphones were still against airplane policy....?

Anyway, the massive hours of work combined with the 30 minute hike each way with the aforementioned ancient laptop on my back and I was exhausted. That coupled with my EMP superpowers disabling all technology, meant no posting.

Please accept my humble apologies.

If you'd like to submit a complaint, I can show you how to use a fax machine.

Only Me

I can't go in to details here, for reasons that are abundantly clear to the very select few and far between individuals in my life that know the whole and all of all of my stories.

But I will say this --- only me.

If you ever think you have a story inside of you, just wait. Cuz the shit that happens to me just can't be written and believed.

All of that said, I am so on the side of The Universe right now, it's ridonkulous. Just like Sisyphus, I am happy.

Confession

I have a confession to make.

I am evil.

What makes me, veghead, kitty adorer, tree hugger, self-proclaimed Goddess-Universe-Energy lover, admit such a thing?

1. I have a "coffee" meeting in the morning. It's with a vendor/friend who is trying to get me to sign on for some "branding" work. It' s not a meeting I'm taking seriously but it's also not a meeting I've invited CBL to. I know she's curious. And so I honestly, seriously and diabolically thought about wearing a suit to work tomorrow. Just so CBL might maybe, just kindasorta, think I'd been on an interview.

2. On Sunday, in a moment of weakness, desperation, depression and overall stupidity, I called my parents looking for a little love and support. I asked them, apropos of nothing, to say an extra few prayers for me. They poo-poo'd me off and hung up, off to watch Jaws yet again in July 4th celebration. So, I'm contemplating not taking or returning any of their calls for at least a week. See how quickly their "poo poo" turns to worry. Just to see.

3. I have a temp in working for me. She's very nice. She's also very chatty. I get the feeling she's been unemployed too long and just not used to it. Which is great. But I AM FLAT OUT!!! I've worked at least 10 hours a day for two weeks. I have way too many irons in the fire and that's not even including the irons I'm choosing to ignore. But still, I am employed. And she is not. And she's older ... and lonely. Still, when she started chit-chatting with me tonight as I was - seriously - 10 minutes away from "leave or miss your train" point, I cut her off. "I'm really sorry, but I'm trying to seriously get out of here." The look on her face was devastating.

So, yes. I am evil. The first two make me grin mischeivously. The last one? Well, it just makes me feel really really bad.

PS - My train was 40 minutes late.

Things I Saw/Realized on my BIke Ride This Morning

Squirrel.
A Doe (a deer, a female deer).
A robin redbreast.
There are more old people than young people out in the morning. And they smile more.
Two lobster boats passing each other off Bearskin Neck.
Seeing the sun glisten on the still water is worth almost missing your train to work.
Gatorade is far too tamper-proof.
Having your chain seize in the middle of an uphill, major intersection is bad news.
Having a cop car parked there, trying to rescue a "damsel in distress" is worth countless bike mechanics classes.
Cars drive faster the later in the morning it gets.
Enjoy the sunshine because the thunderstorms roll in faster than a girl on a 12-speed.