How to make the front desk staff laugh uncomfortably

when checking into a hotel.

When they ask you, "How are you today, Ms. Smith?" just look at them for a really long minute. And then, very slowly, say this in reply.

"I'd be better if the book I'd picked up as 'light and fluffy airplane reading' didn't start off with 50 pages about dying of ovarian cancer. Thanks for asking though. Do you have a tissue I can use?"

It's a decent read, btw. Just not exactly light. Or fluffy. More like overwrought and melodramitic. But unfortunately, pushing all my right buttons. I do love this review of it though:

These reviews fill my shriveled, black heart with redemption and affirmation..., By Laurel F. Armar (Louisville, KY United States) - See all my reviews I am so glad to see that I am not the only one who thinks Radish is a tad melodramatic. Is she trying to write the Next Great Sentence? Katherine hasn't even finished her phone call to Laura and I want to chuck this book. And dude, just let the bra go. I am not against chick-lit. I am against really bad, poorly written, poorly edited, contrived, overwrought chick-lit. I am against this book.

Activate the technology blocker

I think that I am emitting some strange electromagnetic signal. Because last week, while I was in Baltimore 1) my hard drive ate itself 2) my Blackberry died 3) the wireless card (external, thank you very much) on my very ancient, very heavy personal laptop shit the bed.

It was a very technologically challenged week.

It was also a very exhausting week.

In addition to the 10 hour days I was pulling in the video studio working on film edits, I had the evenings full of requisite "normal" work - including the thousands of CBL mails.

I kid you not - I got this while I was on the plane:

"Subject: Need to know how to use your fax machine. Please call me ASAP."

Now, instead of reading the instruction book that is right next to the machine or asking the receptionist at the front desk how to use the main fax or asking any one of the 200 other employees in the building how to use any of the other of dozens of fax machines ... she waited for me to call her back. When I finally did - around 4:45 - I got an earful about how the form was due by five and she was really cutting it close now. Um, excuse, I thought cellphones were still against airplane policy....?

Anyway, the massive hours of work combined with the 30 minute hike each way with the aforementioned ancient laptop on my back and I was exhausted. That coupled with my EMP superpowers disabling all technology, meant no posting.

Please accept my humble apologies.

If you'd like to submit a complaint, I can show you how to use a fax machine.

Only Me

I can't go in to details here, for reasons that are abundantly clear to the very select few and far between individuals in my life that know the whole and all of all of my stories.

But I will say this --- only me.

If you ever think you have a story inside of you, just wait. Cuz the shit that happens to me just can't be written and believed.

All of that said, I am so on the side of The Universe right now, it's ridonkulous. Just like Sisyphus, I am happy.

Confession

I have a confession to make.

I am evil.

What makes me, veghead, kitty adorer, tree hugger, self-proclaimed Goddess-Universe-Energy lover, admit such a thing?

1. I have a "coffee" meeting in the morning. It's with a vendor/friend who is trying to get me to sign on for some "branding" work. It' s not a meeting I'm taking seriously but it's also not a meeting I've invited CBL to. I know she's curious. And so I honestly, seriously and diabolically thought about wearing a suit to work tomorrow. Just so CBL might maybe, just kindasorta, think I'd been on an interview.

2. On Sunday, in a moment of weakness, desperation, depression and overall stupidity, I called my parents looking for a little love and support. I asked them, apropos of nothing, to say an extra few prayers for me. They poo-poo'd me off and hung up, off to watch Jaws yet again in July 4th celebration. So, I'm contemplating not taking or returning any of their calls for at least a week. See how quickly their "poo poo" turns to worry. Just to see.

3. I have a temp in working for me. She's very nice. She's also very chatty. I get the feeling she's been unemployed too long and just not used to it. Which is great. But I AM FLAT OUT!!! I've worked at least 10 hours a day for two weeks. I have way too many irons in the fire and that's not even including the irons I'm choosing to ignore. But still, I am employed. And she is not. And she's older ... and lonely. Still, when she started chit-chatting with me tonight as I was - seriously - 10 minutes away from "leave or miss your train" point, I cut her off. "I'm really sorry, but I'm trying to seriously get out of here." The look on her face was devastating.

So, yes. I am evil. The first two make me grin mischeivously. The last one? Well, it just makes me feel really really bad.

PS - My train was 40 minutes late.

Things I Saw/Realized on my BIke Ride This Morning

Squirrel.
A Doe (a deer, a female deer).
A robin redbreast.
There are more old people than young people out in the morning. And they smile more.
Two lobster boats passing each other off Bearskin Neck.
Seeing the sun glisten on the still water is worth almost missing your train to work.
Gatorade is far too tamper-proof.
Having your chain seize in the middle of an uphill, major intersection is bad news.
Having a cop car parked there, trying to rescue a "damsel in distress" is worth countless bike mechanics classes.
Cars drive faster the later in the morning it gets.
Enjoy the sunshine because the thunderstorms roll in faster than a girl on a 12-speed.