Saturday, April 03, 2010

Time, Time, Time, See What's Become Of Me

I know that you, dear reader, are probably tired of me dredging up shit and posting about it. You get it, the plot has been laid out. The ending is obvious. Move ON (dot org.) But I still have a few things I guess I need to say in writing. Sorry. Hit the close page button if need be.

I look back on the the last two weeks and it all seems unreal... How could this all have happened in just two weeks? A short 14 days in the grand, overarching total of my existence?

I was no secret that Good Buddy was avoiding me. I knew that he was and I knew why. But that was the reason I was so upset about it. We've always been totally and completely honest with one another. I've always known where I stood and how he felt. And while it wasn't the ideal for me, I knew - absolutely, completely and unconditionally - that he promised to be there for me.

Except this time, he wasn't.

I left emails, Txt messages. Voicemails. All I said was the clear truth. I've been working my knuckles to the bone, I'm exhausted and stressed out and feeling insecure and I need someone who loves to tell me it will be okay. That I am that good, that it will be alright. That of course I've dotted every I and crossed every T.

Instead, he completely avoided me. Abandoned me. Ignored me.

The reason was simple and I knew it before he even admitted it.

That wasn't the issue. The problem was, we'd sworn to one another that, no matter what, we'd hold each other up in times of weakness. We'd love each other no matter what and be the rock of support for each other no matter why or how we needed it.

So when I realized I couldn't count on him - and I sure shooting couldn't count on my parents - and all my friends were hundreds of miles away - and then heard the news my father was facing the hospital again - I lost it.

Really and truly lost it.

I acted badly. I acted selfishly. I also acted very very REALLY. Until that kind of darkness descends, you have no idea of what it can be like.

I am blessed that I have friends - unlike my family and unlike GoodBuddy who think that everything can be handled by manning up or pulling yourself up by your bootstraps - I have friends who are willing to recognize that I was in dire pain and could call my therapist or take time off of work to drive me to the ER.

I'm not whole hearted yet, but I'm a shoot-load better. I am laughing at jokes and plotting out the future and engaging in activities that will serve to heal myself.

All is not perfect with the fam. But more on that for another time.

All is also not perfect with GoodBuddy I need some answers and I need some clarification. We both know we need to "chat" but our schedules keep missing each other. But while I can't condone nor understand all of his behavior, I also can't imagine a future that he is not in. Maybe that's an abused woman making excuses. Maybe that's a weak woman giving in to "established cultural misogyny" . But I prefer to think that it's my rational coping mechanism when I have been misunderstood all of my life and have finally found someone who - while they don't fit the image or role that I would dream of - still knows and accepts the entire universe that is me.

In short, I don't yet want to think of a future that GoodBuddy is not a part of. When we first lost each other, I spent so much time searching for him. I looked for his truck on Rt. 93, I searched for his face in the Financial District, I heard his voice in my head, I Googled for his obituary on the Internet.

When he finally came back into my life, it was too much to believe. We've both grown and changed so much. Our relationship has so completely evolved. But in the end it boils down to this. We've seen the worst in each other. The very very worst. And we still both want to wake up and say G'day Mi Love and go to sleep and text G'nite MiLove. I don't know what form that will or can take to make sure I'm still sane and healthy as time goes by.

Right now I know I can't argue with a Universe that split us up so completely and then re-united us? I can't. Not right now.