I've been suffering a lot lately. And a lot of it has to do with how I am navigating the new world order with GoodBuddy. My friends tell me that he treats me bad. That he's cruel. That he's no good for me. And I can see how they see that.
I also know all of the reasons that he is dear to my heart are pretty powerful and making it hard to say goodbye.
My father informed me tonight that he called my therapist and informed her - and consequently me - that me continuing this relationship was like an abused woman returning to the scene of the crime.
GoodBuddy has given me the option of how I want to progress - if at all - with our relationship. And, yes, there are lots of things that anger me and lead me to believe I should tell him to lose my number. He demeaned our relationship. He passively agressively posted things to Facebook instead of dealing with them up front and to my face. But he's also been there for me when things have been really bleak. He's been a rock of support (granted not last week) when I needed him. We've shared laughter and love and intensity and insecurity. It hasn't always been perfect. But it's been real.
He told me the next move was mine to make. And I don't know what I want. I need to think and meditate and consider. What I don't need is for my family - who has never truly understood who or what I am - to tell me what to do.
Life is complicated. It's messy. Sometimes the rational decision isn't the right decision. Sometimes the decision you make with your heart is the worst thing you can do for your soul.
I honestly don't know what's going to happen from here. I want to post nasty things to his FaceBook page. I want to send mile long emails to him outlining everything I'm going through. But I also want it to just go back to being easy, being comfortable. To him making jokes and me getting them. To knowing what each other is thinking, holding each other and letting it all ride out. I don't know if that is possible and, even if it is, I don't know that it's for the best.
Like I said, life is messy. But I need to figure this one out on my own.