Hmmmmm

Been having a complicated week. Lots of stress w/ Good Buddy - altho he's finally owned up and said, yes, he screwed up and this pretty much was all his fault. Some stress w/ work peeps, altho that's also pretty much resolved itself. And then mucho happiness w/ a 15 mile bike ride, some ocean gazing, a hike and beach walking in bare feet.

So, good times, bad times, in between times.

What I have realized is that I CAN be in control of my life. Whether I am making decisions that will be for my higher good or not, they are decisions I am making. I'm not being tossed about by the waves any longer.

I know, for example, that I have more than 30 emails from CBL in my inbox. But it is Sunday. The Lord's day of rest (grin). And so I shan't look at them until tomorrow. Afternoon, because I have a mtg starting at nine. And that's when the work day begins. And my time is my time.

I also know that the best thing for me to be doing right now is to be out enjoying the sunshine and warmth. But right now, I feel like hunkering down in the dark, cuddling w/ my kitties and being sad. Not despondent, but sad. So that is what I will do.

All in all, feeling this way is a good thing. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

Amen and Hallelujia!

Drinking Out of Cups

This thing makes me laugh every time I watch it. No matter what mood I'm in.

What a wonderful summation of existence.

Not me. Not now, not never. Nope. ... Not my chair, not my problem. Lighthouses rule.

Know What's Amazing?

Having your tech guy make reference to one of your favorite movies under his breath.

Experiencing adventures in travel without stress or anxiety and then walking into a conference room of people who don't shake your hand but give you a hug.

Being called to ask for your "expert" opinion on choosing a new bike.

Finding two cats curled up and asleep on your bed, being far too cute.

Discovering your roommate's son finally feels comfortable enough in front of you to dance.

Having wonderful friends who can talk to you about deep things and silly things, emotions and cosmic reality, anime conventions and th Dresden Files and still not think you're a nutjob.

Staying in your jammies and robe all day and rejoicing about it, all while knowing that tomorrow you will wear well-ironed professional attire, will make your bed and will eat meals at a regular hour.

Getting weepy and sad but knowing that your life won't end.

Feeling disappointed but still knowing you can look forward to fiddlehead season.

Enjoying the smell of garlic and onions sauteeing in a pan.

Thinking it important that you can appreciate NPR and raunchy radio all at the same time.

Wondering at making a toddler smile in an elevator because she has a Disney Princesss ball and you have a Sleeping Beauty keychain.

Knowing that that little girl's mother was thankful fo the distraction because baby was being a brat.

Regretting that someone gave up a lot of potentially enjoyable experiences because he was too afraid to face confrontation.

Seeing a double rainbow and knowing that it meant The Universe would help you as you began a new chapter in your life.

Remembering how much fun I had in Seattle, wandering on my own, talking to strangers, marvelling at the Japanese gardens and walking home in a gentle rain.

Believing that moving to London is a pipe dream and a possibility all at the same time.

Being confident that I deserve love and respect and trust and the space, time and confidence to be comfortable in who I am and do the things that make me happy.

Establishing and supporting the Lady McHerb project.

Finally realizing, heart and soul and mind, that the Lady McHerb project is the most important thing I will ever do.

Again, why do I do this to myself?

Can't sleep tonite. Welcome back, insomnia girl. The new meds - altho technically not "contraindicated" don't react well w/ the sleeping pills. So, I lay me down, book in hand, soft music playing, meditation reciting and still... It's 6:04 and seriously, not a wink.

Not boding well for the noon yoga class tomorrow.

Here are the things keeping me from sleep.

• A 26-page journal entry (bear in mind the pages really aren't that big) to GoodBuddy. I thought I'd covered all of it - in a healthy and rational way. And then I read some of the emails in my "drafts" folder. I was mad. And pretty rightly so. A lot of it was my insanity. But a lot of it was his inability to deal with things. And one fed off another fed off another and soon you have a vicious circle. So where does that leave my healthy 26-page, non-angry, objective journal entry?
• Facebook cruising. Why do I do this? Everyone I know is married, most with children. I look at honeymoon photos and they all seem so much happier than mine. Sure, a discussion with a really good friend once ended in, "but you don't want that. I know you don't. You've told me how many times you love travelling on your own, living on your own, not having to offer excuses or explanations - not to mention respnsibilites of children - to anyone. It's a choice, girl, not a demand. Live your life according to YOUR happiness, not anyone else's. And, yes, that's totally true. But I know and you - dear reader - know that single, childless women are STILL regarded as somehow... unfulfilled, defective, insufficient. F*** I wish I didn't care what other people thought
• Novel reading. I sincerely thought Drood was a labor in stubborness. So many people said it was a page turner and I thought - ugh - no way. Now, can't put it down. Scarabs in his head?
• And speaking of which - there has been some major cockroad activity - and generally bugginess - going on. A big honkin cockroach crawling along my ceiling. The ever-present cockroaches in my office. The buzzing of the mosquito in my ear tonight (my windows ARE open, but still, isn't it kind of early?). And the feeling that I've got creepy crawlies all over me. Not sure if that's the result of all the bug talk going on of late w/ CBL and others in the office, or the Reiki detox, or what. But yuck! I hate it. Itching everywhere and constantly checking for bugs when I logically know there are none.
• Finally, the work issue. What with my hard drive eating itself, the craziness of the P.O. non-process, managing the Awesome New Hire (have to come up w/ an acronym for her, I've been flat out. CBL wants to talk about things like what are we going to do for our "fun" activity in mid-May. I want to get all the crap that I need to get done, done. Like registering everyone for another important conference when early bird registration ends Friday. Or updating the Partner Status Plan that she asked for yesterday (when I had no computer so, sorry you're SOL.) Instead, I got an hour of her 3oth High School Reunion planning, a bunch of time on office gossip and then, finally, to work. I'm trying my best to stay focused and mindful of the situation, but it IS a bit tough when you have goals to meet.

So, here I am, almost 6:20 am and nothing to show for it. An entire night gone. Sure, I read some, wrote a lot (a lot a lot) and played a little bit of some gaming. Sheesh - my morning radio program started 19 minutes ago!

My heart tells me to TXT GoodBuddy and see how he's doing. My head tells me no. He was in a rough place last night, so probably best to let it lie...

Now, the question is, do I try to sleep for three hours, or just suck it up and stay awake today?

Hmmm....

Five Ducks!

So, I've been really practicing my mindfullness. It sounds really trite and hokey, but, hell, the Dalai Lama looks pretty darn happy, right?

So, I'm walking in to work from the train station today and practicing my "mindful walking." And I'm noticing the flowers (bad for allergies, btw) and the sunshine and the sparking water and the fact they're shining up the Swan Boats. Spring is springing.

And then I see a mom with her two small children. Well, we all know how much I love kids. Yeah, not so much. But I heard this little boy, counting loudly: "One. Two. Three. Four. Five." And he turns to Mom, a look of triumph on his face, chest thrust out proudly, feet firmly planted in the ground. And he shouts, "Mommy! I counted FIVE DUCKS!"

And I realized, no matter what I did today. No matter how many project plans I finished or invoices I processed or registrations I registered, NOTHING I did today would be nearly as important as that little boy counting FIVE DUCKS.