So much good - so little bad

But why do we focus on the bad? I'm not Thich Nat Han or Depak Chopra, so I don't know. I just know what is for me. I've had an awesome week full of job offers and friend making and fitness goal-reaching. So why, at 11:30 pm - am I stressing about the fact that GoodBuddy is steadily making his way up the East Coast Seaboard? I told him outright that I need to do some thinking about whether or not seeing him would do me any good. Sure, I want (desperately want) to see him. But would the harm outweigh the good? After all, that's what my entire session with Awesome Therapist was about this week. There are things that annoy or disturb or dissapoint us. And sometimes, they're unbearable. But sometimes they are the price we pay for a greater good. It is the job of a healthy mind to distinguish the two. So what do I do now? I have no idea. And although this has been one of the most fantastic weeks of my recent life, I'm still unsure. I feel like I'm strong enough to see him and hold my own and not freak out. But I worry that my love (and we all know absence makes the heart grow fonder...) will cloud my judgement. I want more than anything to see him. Hold him. Smell that scent that is uniquely his, hear the laugh that is uniquely his. But what price will I have to pay for that experience? I worry that the price is too high... Details to follow

Anniversaries

Tomorrow is a big day for me.

Tomorrow marks a very significant day in my life.

A year ago tomorrow, I had a nervous breakdown.

I couldn't say those words at the time. Corporate America doesn't like them. They suggest weak and sick and insane.

What they suggested to me was that I was in a toxic environment (for me at least) and needed to get the hell out.

It took me almost a full year to get out - and only then by force.

But here I am, a year later and exponentially happier. I have friends. I have a dream. I have a vibrant, loving and quirky community that supports and accepts and admires me. I have time to collect shells amidst sleet and contemplate trees from the edge of a hillside.

There are so many things I couldn't have done this without. But the Universe gave me those gifts. And I am so very grateful.

It's been my mantra for so long it's almost become trite. But it's moments like this that it takes shape and becomes an entity in its own right. Step into the flow of Grace and all will be Good.

Om Shanti.

And we wonder why they hate us...

Let me start this off by saying: I fully realize that, in posting this, I am admitting to being a total hypocrite. But, hey, most of the best writers are, right? ;-)

Still, I am obsessed with how much I hate the new "YouTube Sensation" Friday. First off, there's the origin. Some rich man spilled a lot of money to give his daughter the means to create a video for her original "song." As for content, it outlines the important crisis' of choosing the front seat or back seat, what to wear and suffering through school in order to make it to Friday so you can Party.

And this is getting press at a time when Japan is admitting the earthquake/tsunami will be the most expensive recovery effort ever, new information is surfacing on the BP oil spill, a no-fly zone is being inforced over Libya and collective bargaining rights are being whittled away...

Here's where the hypocrisy creeps in...

Yesterday, I was in the shower at the gym where I am steadfastly combatting bra overhang. Yes, I am committed to the battle against gravity and fat grams. It's MY hypocritical war...

In the shower stalls next to me were two girls, loudly discussing whether they should bring Jaegar or Capt Morgan to the party tonight. And how wasted they were at the New Years party, which is why they ...
probablyShouldn'tBringTheCapt.BecauseSheHadNeverGottenSoDrunkBecauseSheWasPartyingSoHardButThenSheGotGerSecondWind AndWentToJake'sAndThenTheyWereDoingShotsAndSheLostCountAndHerMomGotSoMadBecausShe MissedCurfewButThereWasNoWaySheCouldGoHomeBecauseSheWasSoDrunkAndThrewUpSoMuchAndTotallyRuinedHerDressThatSheGotAtAbercrombieAndHerMomWouldHaveBeenPissedAnywayBecauseThatDressTotallyCost100Bucks ...

Look, I know we all have our unique problems that occupy our minds. I want to look good at the beach, I'm still angry at my shitty ex-boss, I hate cleaning out kitty litter. And I know we can't live our lives entirely and completely concerned with the pain and destruction happening outside of our control.

But shouldn't we try to balance the two? Shouldn't we work to alleviate both our own suffering and the suffering of the world? Or at least work to alleviate ours in awareness of the other?

I don't have the answer to that. I don't come close to thinking I'm anywhere near approaching Ghandi or Mother Theresa. But I hope that some of their wisdom and understanding can penetrate my Universe...

What Day Is It?

It's weird for me - Type A that I am - to have no real set agenda to my days or weeks. Sure, I have stuff that neeeds to get done; those boxes won't kick themselves and those funds need a little help to be raised. But in the grand scheme of things, if I do them Tuesday night or Thursday a.m., what's the difference?

To that end, I've been trying to set myself up on a schedyle. And for the most part it's working. Mon and Tue I do "research" on the biz plan. Wed and Thur I put the intel into writing. Friday, I chill the fuck out and have a beer with lunch at the Brew Pub.

Of course, all this would be slightly easier if I had an "official" framework offering structure. The floor manager position at a local hot-spot seemed almost a done deal. I was supposed to hear by today, but he's a tad flakey so... And CAFM manager - I so adore her! - has lined me up for an under-the-table gig that could be OhSoCool.

So, I guess the point is, three months in and I'm just finally comin 'round to the reality that I have a new reality I need to get jiggy with. May we live in interesting times...

Action v Reaction

I was at the gym the other day (ouch) when a woman on the elliptical behind me was rudely and loudly chastised by the man beside her for speaking on her cellphone. Now, obviously, he's right. Cellphones are prohibited in the gym. But to be so loud and obtrusive, well, it seemed gratuitous.

The woman was visibly upset. She explained again and again why she was on the phone. She worried aloud that he would "stalk" her. She was clearly and, understandably, disturbed by the incident.

Here's where the beauty of therapt kicks in. Before, I would have (and have) acted just as this womah did. Apologetic and providing excuses for my behavior. now, I realize that she had less reason to defend herself than he did. Most of us would quietly comment and let it go. This guy had to make a scene of it. Because it wasn't about her "breaking" the rules. It was about him enforcing them. Loudly. And aggressively.

Now that I am examining more closely (thank you therapy) the difference between what is and what we take in, I can make these distinctions. Sure, they're hard in the moment (thank you CBM) but they're there to be seen if you can.

I am blessed and grateful that I have the space and the perspective that helps me see this. Hopefully it can and will remain...