Forgive and Forget?

I spoke with a former colleague today. I like and respect this man. And I feel for him because he is still caught in a difficult situation; selling a product in a market that is, at best, resistant and, at least, doomed to fail in his market.

During our discussion, he tried to convey to me that (former boss) has mellowed. I don't - can't - buy it. This is the man who had made me so terrified - scared to express idea, opinion, insight, or unique observation - that I was literally afraid to go into work, afraid to open email, afraid to answer my phone. Fuck - afraid to wake up.

Life under CBL was horrendous - being oncall 24x7; expected to manage all of her expectation and emotions; responsible for being employee, friend and sounding board; was bad. And because I wasn't in a safe place - mentally and spirituall - I let it take its toll on me.

But to be outright harassed, bullied, insulted and threatened ... it has honestly left a permanent scar. It's like a mental/emotional rape - it takes away your power, your independance, your security. And you're left with a feeling of complet loss of control.

Was it because I am female? Was it because I challenged his viewpoint? Was it because I am an individual and dared to flaunt that in his face? Was it because I will respect a human but not a role?

I have no idea. But the reality is ... I was bullied and abused. And that will never go away. I want to hold him in lovingkindness. I want to feel sympathy for him.

But I can't. And right now, I won't. Through my work with Amazing Therapist, I've come to terms with the fact that it's OK to be angry. I want to be better, be above anger and blame, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that it needs to be OK if that takes some time.

So, yeah. Maybe that asshat boss has "mellowed out." But the scars he left on me aren't gone. Not yet. Not now.