As per my recent posts, I am in serious amounts of intense relationship. Problem is, I'm not used to being in relationship - much less a functional one. So I'm having to re-edumacate myself.
Example: I've been feeling that during this last week of vacation for a very long time, I needed one day - an entire day - to myself. Lounge around. Do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it. Be ugly and/or smelly. Put my feet up on the coffee table. Nap on the couch. Whatever.
I stressed and stressed about bringing this up. The last longterm BF hated when I did anything without him. To the point where he got jealous of the time I spent at my gym. At. My. Gym. Getting fit - losing weight - for me, yes, but also for him. So, you may be able to understand why this was a loaded issue for me.
Alas, I did not give enough credit to LRman. Not at all.
"So, um, I've been thinking that sometime this week, during my vacation, I might just need to have a night to myself. Not that I don't love spending time with you - I do! - and not that I don't love falling asleep in your arms - I do! - I just need a little time to indulge myself. Is that cool?"
"Sure. no problem. Let me know what night works for you. Hell, I totally get needing a day to walk around in my underwear and scratch my balls."
OK - so it wasn't the most poetic or romantic thing to say. But it was totally real, it was totally reasonable, it was totally ..., unexcruciating.
Every corner I turn with LRman, he amazes me. Yes, we're still figuring out how to be in "a relationship" with each other. There are turns we need to navigate, bumps we need to identify. But I just know that it will be so much less painful or dramatic than it's ever been before for me.
And so, the irony is, I got my night off tonight. I've been home, cooked a pasta salad, have my hair in a ponytail and a grubby Tshirt (with no bra). And all I want to do is call him and tell him to come over. That I want to fall asleep in his arms. And wake up with them around me. I won't. Because I know tonight is important for both of us. But I know that that's what I want. And I know that means something...