So, I feel I owe it to you, my readers, to explain a little bit of the BS I've been going through lately. Because, although I am quite sure some of it IS biological, some of it is circumstantial. And here's the rub.
GoodBuddy is leaving. Granted, it's not forever and it's not like it's (whatever the fuck it IS between us) is over. So, it's like a breakup but I don't get to go through the anger or even the real heartbreak.
I know that he is doing the absolutely right thing. And I wicked admire how he has pulled his shit together and gotten it right. In fact, I'm quite envious. And we all know how well I handle envy.
As the only person who truly knows the ENTIRE me. I know that he worries about me (and I quote) "being obsessed with him", but the obsession is really this: sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself. Because, as he said tonight, sometimes you get to a point where you look in a mirror and you wonder "who the hell is that person?" I am there right now. And I have been putting all the right pieces in place to figure out who I want to be and how to get there. (And, yes, GB, if you don't like my new haircut, FU. I tried something new and it will grow out.) But, in the meantime, not having someone there who knows me, respects me and adores my potential is going to be tough.
So, folks, here it is - the explanation. I am losing my best friend, my closest confidante, my lover and my "always will be there guy." And while I am putting in place the stepping stones for a wicked amazing life ahead, the path just ahead may just be a bit uphill.
I realize this post is a bit scattered, but that's how I've been feeling lately. Manic depressive much? Bi polar often? Who knows. I just know that I'm finally facing up to his leaving and it's leaving me not the better for the wear.