You'll End Up Crying

SHOCK - it's the name of an A-Ha song. But it's super appropriate today.

I've had some REALLY awesome things happen. I have a jobby-job interview tomorrow. I talked with an amazing human being I'd fallen out of touch with. Still...

I went to sleep crying. I'm moving into a good friends' house and opinion seemed...off. Likely cuz she's moving overseas. But I worried that it was also a fear of me living in her space. I'm afraid too, but I also know that her soul will be surrounding me and that is much to keep me safe.

I also felt memories of Glostah keeping me sad. It's a month away, but already I'm grieving. I know it's likely temporarily and that this plan makes sense in so many ways. But still....

Add that to a very tense conversation with Good Buddy (shock - it was me telling him his "rudder" was here...) and a possible crush on a coworker and....

Fuck. It's been a long week. No wonder I'm crying

Ugh and Not

I had dinner the other night with friends. We did a three-part toast: To sparkly birthdays, to happy trails and to new roomies.

It's definitely a time of transition. I'm moving away from a place I love. A place I've loved to call home. Glostah is a unique space unto itself and I'm very - very - sad to be leaving it. Still, I hate to walk into a cafe or store or restaurant without feeling anxious. I'll leave it at that.

The timing of everything worked out too well for me to deny The Universe was steering me in that direction. Amazing therapist says "this is probably right for now. And who knows what the next step will be." She's right, but I'm still wicked sad. I cry a lot these days.

I realize I've scared a lot of friends by making this blog non-public. So I'm going to make it public again. I'm sure there are some people monitoring it, but I can't live my life so anxious and tense. I've always believed in an open and free world and I've lived "out loud" for long enough to not let situations stop me (hello dooced).

To sum up, I'm conflicted but hopeful. Anxious but positive. Celebratory and mourning.

And now, I'm going to feed Fuzzy Bucket, make tea and drink it watching the ocean and then, yeah, probably go back to sleep. I'm wicked tired from yesterday, but more on that fun and games later. (Hint: Winery life is gooooooood.)

Who Do Ya Love?

This is kinda sorta a continuation of a previos post. But, I guess I need to work through this issue...

Through my previous posts, readers may have come to realize I have eclectic tastes ... I like pop-culture detective shows (Criminal Minds); insightful, yet blue, comedy; and raunchy, often mean and rude radio shows (Opie and Anthony, Smodcast, The Joe Rogan Experience). And yet, I love NPR, America Left, BBC News and The Daily Show.

Just like in high school where I was on the Lit Mag group AND the cheerleading team, I still don't fit neatly into any one corner.

I'm tired of justifying it. A dear, wonderful, big-hearted friend helped me get through the last few days of insecurity. Yet he found my radio family offensive and cruel. Another wonderful soullmate couldn't believe I listened to "NPR drivel." (Hello Rachel Maddow!) Someone else heard my giggling and sat down to watch a Daniel Tosh special. To her obvious chagrin.

I can't please everyone. And I can't please any someone all of the time. I don't pin down well. Maybe that's why I'm so hard to live with. Or be in a relationship with. Or figure out.

For what it's worth: I took a class in relative religions in college. We discussed a living candidate for sainthood and his writings. And while I valued a lot of what he said, I came away with this: "His writings are inspirational, but if I were his friend, I'd find him annoying."

I'm not entirely pure or entirely righteous or entirely holy. I'm also not entirely depraved or entirely decadent or entirely immoral.

I'm just me. No more no less. I'm not going to apologize for the obnoxious radio shows I listen to or make excuses for the completely obvious liberal talk shows I watch. I don't want to turn down the volume on some things or turn up the volume on other things. I guess I'm tired of being "a type."

Drifting,Floating

There has been so much going on. From choosing to live a hostile-free home to figuring out where I will live and who I want to be and how to get there from here...

And I think alot about how I can/may heal myself. And often, I focus on the time I've spent at Kripalu for yoga, meditation, companionship, understanding. And, yes, those are moments worth savoring and holding onto.

But, recently, I've found myself being less drawn to that and more drawn to the brainy, esoteric, (and, frankly) base humor of my favorite comics and spoken word artists.

I don't know why. I can guess at the reasons. Maybe, I feel too angry, resentful and revengeful of recent events to feel comfortable being "pure yoga girl." Or, maybe, frankly, I'm too caught up in my own destructive self-medication to let loose in a soul-freeing way.

I don't think where I am is where I want to be long-term. But I also know I haven't fully assimilated the extent of the abuse inflicted on me over the past few years.

So maybe I need to forgive myself some indulgence. And. quite probably, I need to start preparing myself to whip my ass back into shape.

But for every season, turn turn...

Forever and ever Amen

I just finished watching @KevinSmith movie Red State. It was really thought provoking. At times it was like, "yeah, this is a Kevin Smith film" and other times you were like, "is this the house if 1000 corpses?" So, yeah, a fuckin good film

But it also led me to thinking. I was one of those "Youth Group" kids. I went to the retreats and the missions. Hell, I even marched on Washington to protest RoeVWade. (To be fair, even then I protested b/c I knew the unfairness of womens' ability to protect themselves and make choices on their own, but still...I was there.) Despite confessing I had concerns and doubts, I led youth group prayers, I swayed eagerly with moving hymns, I led prayers, I kneeled reverently at Church.

To this day, I don't think all of it is bunk. But I do think the demand of unquestioning/unflagging submission is dangerous. Loving thy neighbor = good Smotingthy neighbor = bad.

The Universe I've come to pray to might not have rules or a bible or a tome of behavior. But it sums a lot up in its tenet: "And if it harms none, do what thou wilt." But even more important to me is this, "Blessed be." So many things in this world enlighten us, surprise us, enjoy us, hurt us, concern us, bewilder us. Some resolve positively. Some negatively. But my Universe knows that we can learn from it too. There is no book that tells us What Is. There is only the guidance of ourselves and the energy that is creation.

So, yeah, it's OK I used to lead bible studies. And it's okay I used to fall into religious rank. Because it brought me to where I am. And to that I say, "Blessed Be."