So Much, So Little, So What

I have been a slacker. I haven't posted in ... ages? I honestly don't know how long. It's not like there hasn't been news to report. There's been a plethora of news. I've just been a) too tired b) too busy c) too petrified to face reality to report.

One week and one day ago, dad had a stroke. OK, technically, the stroke happened one week and TWO days ago. But it wasn't reported until last Thursday.

You never know how you're going to react to the news that you might lose or be losing someone you love Until It Happens.

Within 20 minutes I was in the car on the way to NJ. I didn't even know how much underwear I'd packed.

Viscious, heart-rending emotions aside, Dad is OK. He'll walk away from this one. Next one, not so much.

I can't stop myself from calling obsessivelly. How is everyone feeling? How did the walk on the treadmill go today? Yet I know, they're as fed up with my constant harrassment as I was with the need to be full-time nurse while I was in NJ.

Being a good daughter is a REALLY difficult job. There's no handbooks or rules guides to help you along. I can only hope and pray I'm doing the right bit...

Um. OK.

So I told CBL that I have pneumonia. (Doc thinks its probably a by product of 16 hour workdays, but I digress.) Let her know that I've been told I need significant rest and recuperation. After which discussion encored with the SealBark which has become my vocal signature.

I sent an email out to my team informing them that Friday I will be taking the day off and "going off the grid."

To which she replied, "Have fun!"

Um, hello?

As one of my wonderful amazing friends says: "That takes a special kind of clueless."

So this is how it feels...

OK - so, ya'all know I truly and wholeheartedly believe that The Universe puts you where you need to be when you step into it's flow... right?

So, when there's a million reasons to get to the Morrissey concert early, but you get there late, and when you walk up to the queue at the exact time as someone else, and when that someone else is also on their lonesome and that someone else is smart and a Morrissey fan and British and his favorite movie is (for legitimate reasons) Donnie Darko and he's a progressive Professor of Political Science, well ... that's the Universe talking. Right?

Goodness, I hope, right.

Because, for the first time in years, I feel freaking giddy. I mean, can you hear the smile in my words? Can you sense this ridiculous ear to ear grin?

Guess I gotta trust in that there Universe thingy.

To his credit, he DID email me yesterday after making it back to Connecticut, where he's a professor. And his email DID include a question - which COULD be seen as an opening for a conversation.

But maybe he's also just being nice. Because he's British. And polite.

To quote my favorite movie of all time: "I hate that Goddamn, it's wonderful to be alive feeling!" Because it's oh so very wonderful and oh so very awful.

If he never writes/calls again - I had a really amazing night.

But, oh, I really oh so hope he does.

And, as my brilliant, insightful, YogaGirl friend pointed out: "You can either believe he will. Or believe he won't. So you might as well believe he will."

Too Many Notes

My best friend and I share a love of the movie "Amadeus." In particular, we enjoy the portrayal of Emporer Joseph by Jeffrey Jones and his memorable line about Mozart's opera:

"I liked it. There were just ... too many notes."

This is how I feel about a lot of things. Like CBL ... I like her. She just has ... too many notes.

It's a way of saying there's something that bothers you about someone that you can't quite put your finger on. And, sure, there's lots of things about CBL that I CAN point out that bother me. She emails me at 7 at night and tells me to call her to discuss a project after I've worked 12 hours. She sends 30 emails in a night, several of which are all responses to one single email you've written. She throws temper tantrums in restaurants because she thinks everyone is picking on her. But these are all specifics.

There's also this elusive quality that makes me grit my teeth. Even when she's trying to be nice or she's not being particularly insane, she drives me batty. Maybe, as my wonderful therapist suggests, it's just because I spend so much time or energy dealing with her that ANY intrusion into my life is too much. (And, that's only goiing to get worse when she moves out here this spring.) Or maybe it's because I try so hard to surround myself with people of substance and rich spiritual lives that I see right through her vaporwear. I don't know. It just feels like ... too many notes.

Of course, when I get to feeling like this, I should also point out that I am a total heel. Because, in reviewing a presentation draft I'd sent her a few days ago for a big meeting with our division president she replied like this:

"It's really great, but I think you should do a better job of highlighting your accomplishments. You've done so much really fantastic work this quarter that you should really toot your own horn."

Hi there, I'd like a little salt on my foot please.

So, we''ll see how it goes with CBL live and in the flesh all week. We'll get to hang in Boson and be BFF's Forever! And we'll see if I can maybe focus on her good points and drown out some of those extraneous notes.

How Old Are We?

So, this week I was down in our nation's capitol hanging out with CBL and our VP of Marketing. It was a VERY entertaining week.

Aside from the fact that the Veep Marketing and I had some ... ahem ... nice chats that said lots without exactly saying anything, I would have to say the highlight of the trip was when CBL threw a temper tantrum at dinner.

Yep, a temper tantrum. Complete with pounding fists on table and a teary storm off to the ladies'.

I'm sorry, did you say you were forty-seven? And a Vice President?

The tantrum came about because I had reported in on a meeting I'd had wherein someone in Europe had opted out of a program we're running. Not because the program sucks or because they don't like us but because they don't have the bandwidth or budget and it doesn't fit into their strategy. Pretty straightforward, right?

Apparently not.

CBL decided it was a personal attack on her and everything she tries to do. "You just don't understand! I'm so tired of doing everything for the global team and not having anyone appreciate it! I'm so tired of being picked on. You just don't understand!"

Of course, I'm paraphrasing. The tantrum itself went on for about 15 minutes. And then during the taxi back to the hotel. The elevator ride to our respective rooms. And well past breakfast the next morning.

(And don't get me started about how I had to calm her down because "she was so late and had no time to eat and she was just going to get a Chai because she didn't have time to eat and she had to arrange a cab and it really sucks that people expect her to do so much because then she winds up running herself ragged and she's exhausted and starving and she doesn't have time to eat..." You get the point.)

Because I'm in a good place, loving my yoga and feeling centered and grounded, I can laugh at all this. Of course, it doesn't hurt that I know in less than one month, our illustrious President will be in Boston and has specifically requested one-on-one meetings with the entire Americas team. To, ahem, find out how things are going.

Oh, the things i could share....