Thursday, April 15, 2010
What did YOU hear?
Upon me telling GoodBuddy (yes, we still speak, altho eggshells are being tread upon) that I was reading Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh, he heard "Thick, Not Hung."
Some minds are just too sick to understand.
Long Duk Dong anyone?
Some minds are just too sick to understand.
Long Duk Dong anyone?
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Finding Yourself
So, on Monday, I met with Awesome Therapist. And I had this to offer: "My alarm went off this morning, I went downstairs, put on my morning radio program (I have admitted to being a talk radio geek, right?) and sat down to have my breakfast. But something felt weird. And then I realized, I didn't have my laptop in front of me."
Of course, she was shocked. Most normal people would be shocked. But the reality is, I get so many emails from CBL from 7 pm to 6 am that if I didn't start the day that early, how on earth could I catch up?
What this week has shown me is -- who cares? If she sends so many emails that I can't deal with them and my daily tasks, then I don't. I am way more important than her emails. My life, my happiness, my very existence, is way more important.
And to that point, GoodBuddy. He's in town but has found countless and innumerable things to occupy his time other than see me. I know that he's putting it off because he would rather not - or more likely can not - deal with ... this. Whatever this is or was. And tonight I basically called him out. We were supposed to see each other. Then, we were supposed to call each other. And then he forget. As per usual.
The reality is, I keep looking in the rearview when I need to look through my telescope.
He's no good for me. He brought out that what was worst in me. He's hard --- Deal with it, get over it, life sucks move on -- whereas I prefer to soften to grace -- life may be hard, but there is a lesson to be learned. Soften to grace and you can find that your soul sings the song of The Universe. There is a balance between opening up and muscle-ing up, and a full life requires a balance between the two. Or, as Anusara Yoga puts it, Muscular Energy and Organic Energy.
Anusara teaches that it is all about Hugging in, and Radiating out. Strength and Softening. In Ardo Mukha, (downward dog) if you are all strength and no soften, you will stress the shoulders and the wrists. But if you feel the balance between the two, you may feel some DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) but you will not injure yourself.
GoodBuddy would find all of that "who ha" -but I find it real and powerful and that's why I found myself sitting on a rock in the sunshine, laughing and crying at the same time.
Once upon a time, he had the time and the interest to focus on these matters of the spirit. Now he is all about fixating on his future. As TNH puts it, we are very good about planning for our life, but not very good at living it.
I have so many people in my life that are not very good for me. It's no wonder I have lost focus on my center. But every day I shall do the work of "breathing in calm and breathing out a smile." Hopefully that will help. Hopefully that will keep the joy in my life.
Namaste.
I went hiking today and saw sorrel springing from the ground and buds reaching out from trees. I could see the first sprouting of fiddleheads and the scampering of robins and summer birds. I have to own all these parts of myself and love who I am. I cannot deny them any longer. I cannot allow someone else to tell me what they want and bow to that. I MUST follow my own bliss.
If you haven't read Peace is Every Step, I highly recommend you do. As someone who counts Dandelion as an herbal ally, this poem spoke powerfully to me:
I have lost my smile
But don't worry
The dandelion has it.
As Thich Nhat Hanh writes, If you have lost your smile, yet still are capable of knowing the dandelion holds if for you, things cannot be that bad."
Tomorrow, I return to work. My guess is that I have 727 emails. My mailbox probably shut down around 600, but that doesn't stop some people. I will get to as many as I can. And then, at 5:30, I will turn my computer off and head to yoga. Because I am more important. My life is more important. And it's time I started living that.
Of course, she was shocked. Most normal people would be shocked. But the reality is, I get so many emails from CBL from 7 pm to 6 am that if I didn't start the day that early, how on earth could I catch up?
What this week has shown me is -- who cares? If she sends so many emails that I can't deal with them and my daily tasks, then I don't. I am way more important than her emails. My life, my happiness, my very existence, is way more important.
And to that point, GoodBuddy. He's in town but has found countless and innumerable things to occupy his time other than see me. I know that he's putting it off because he would rather not - or more likely can not - deal with ... this. Whatever this is or was. And tonight I basically called him out. We were supposed to see each other. Then, we were supposed to call each other. And then he forget. As per usual.
The reality is, I keep looking in the rearview when I need to look through my telescope.
He's no good for me. He brought out that what was worst in me. He's hard --- Deal with it, get over it, life sucks move on -- whereas I prefer to soften to grace -- life may be hard, but there is a lesson to be learned. Soften to grace and you can find that your soul sings the song of The Universe. There is a balance between opening up and muscle-ing up, and a full life requires a balance between the two. Or, as Anusara Yoga puts it, Muscular Energy and Organic Energy.
Anusara teaches that it is all about Hugging in, and Radiating out. Strength and Softening. In Ardo Mukha, (downward dog) if you are all strength and no soften, you will stress the shoulders and the wrists. But if you feel the balance between the two, you may feel some DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) but you will not injure yourself.
GoodBuddy would find all of that "who ha" -but I find it real and powerful and that's why I found myself sitting on a rock in the sunshine, laughing and crying at the same time.
Once upon a time, he had the time and the interest to focus on these matters of the spirit. Now he is all about fixating on his future. As TNH puts it, we are very good about planning for our life, but not very good at living it.
I have so many people in my life that are not very good for me. It's no wonder I have lost focus on my center. But every day I shall do the work of "breathing in calm and breathing out a smile." Hopefully that will help. Hopefully that will keep the joy in my life.
Namaste.
I went hiking today and saw sorrel springing from the ground and buds reaching out from trees. I could see the first sprouting of fiddleheads and the scampering of robins and summer birds. I have to own all these parts of myself and love who I am. I cannot deny them any longer. I cannot allow someone else to tell me what they want and bow to that. I MUST follow my own bliss.
If you haven't read Peace is Every Step, I highly recommend you do. As someone who counts Dandelion as an herbal ally, this poem spoke powerfully to me:
I have lost my smile
But don't worry
The dandelion has it.
As Thich Nhat Hanh writes, If you have lost your smile, yet still are capable of knowing the dandelion holds if for you, things cannot be that bad."
Tomorrow, I return to work. My guess is that I have 727 emails. My mailbox probably shut down around 600, but that doesn't stop some people. I will get to as many as I can. And then, at 5:30, I will turn my computer off and head to yoga. Because I am more important. My life is more important. And it's time I started living that.
Friday, April 09, 2010
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
New Blossoms
It's been a complicated a couple of weeks.
I've had two pretty serious meltdowns. The first resulted in not so favorable circumstances, although I did get 13 hours of sleep.
The second resulted in exactly what I needed.
I've not been paying attention to what I need. I've been staying at work when I should be shutting down and going to yoga. I've been spending Sundays in front of the computer working on plans, budgets or communications.
I have in no way, shape or form been respecting who or what I am.
Add to that the fact that my family has been a basic shit and GoodBuddy shut me down because he couldn't handle admitting to me he'd found a new girlfriend.
In the midst of being constantly barraged by work, no rest and no support from the people I'd relied on to be my support and validation, I had a meltdown. Which resulted in me experiencing life in the emergency room and the psych ward.
Which would have been bad enough. But I kept being barraged by CBL (what part of I can't answer the phone because I'm in the hospital do you not understand?), kept being avoided by GoodBuddy and suffered unrelenting defensiveness and resistance from the parental units. Add one plus one plus one and you equal second nervous breakdown.
Luckily, this time was different. I was able to call on a friend who was nearby and accessible. Who not only could but was interested in making the journey to assist me. (Not to dismiss my other friends who stepped in during my first crisis. But there REALLY are time and distance obsticals.) Instead of being judged by a cold, distant triage bitch, I got held and comforted by a true friend. Instead of spending the night under an itchy, thin hospital blanket, I was held by someone who listened without judgement and fell asleep holding my hand.
More than that, we got to hang out the whole next day. No, it was not slam bang thank you ma'am, as nothing at all sexual happened. As if I was in any condition to deal with that. But I was made to feel no guilt or shame for the emotional firestorm of the meltdown. It was what it was, it was real and, hey, if there are still tears, let them come.
I have lots of thinking to do. I have lots of work I have to do to repair the damage I and others have done to my soul. I need to re-evaluate the role others have in my life and the expectations and hopes I have for them. And how I react if and/or when my personal projections are different than reality.
What I've realized more than anything is that I owe myself the respect of honoring myself. Whether that means taking a yoga class or admitting I need to work from home more than one day a week, or taking more walks around my island, has yet to be seen. But I know I need to disconnect and spend some more time teasing out the tangle of my thoughts and my feelings.
I don't want to run away. I don't want to disengage. I don't want to pretend that I have deep thoughts, a healthy perspective, or an introspective understanding. I want to live that truth. I've got a long way to go. But it's not an impossible path. Just one that takes commitment and belief.
I've had two pretty serious meltdowns. The first resulted in not so favorable circumstances, although I did get 13 hours of sleep.
The second resulted in exactly what I needed.
I've not been paying attention to what I need. I've been staying at work when I should be shutting down and going to yoga. I've been spending Sundays in front of the computer working on plans, budgets or communications.
I have in no way, shape or form been respecting who or what I am.
Add to that the fact that my family has been a basic shit and GoodBuddy shut me down because he couldn't handle admitting to me he'd found a new girlfriend.
In the midst of being constantly barraged by work, no rest and no support from the people I'd relied on to be my support and validation, I had a meltdown. Which resulted in me experiencing life in the emergency room and the psych ward.
Which would have been bad enough. But I kept being barraged by CBL (what part of I can't answer the phone because I'm in the hospital do you not understand?), kept being avoided by GoodBuddy and suffered unrelenting defensiveness and resistance from the parental units. Add one plus one plus one and you equal second nervous breakdown.
Luckily, this time was different. I was able to call on a friend who was nearby and accessible. Who not only could but was interested in making the journey to assist me. (Not to dismiss my other friends who stepped in during my first crisis. But there REALLY are time and distance obsticals.) Instead of being judged by a cold, distant triage bitch, I got held and comforted by a true friend. Instead of spending the night under an itchy, thin hospital blanket, I was held by someone who listened without judgement and fell asleep holding my hand.
More than that, we got to hang out the whole next day. No, it was not slam bang thank you ma'am, as nothing at all sexual happened. As if I was in any condition to deal with that. But I was made to feel no guilt or shame for the emotional firestorm of the meltdown. It was what it was, it was real and, hey, if there are still tears, let them come.
I have lots of thinking to do. I have lots of work I have to do to repair the damage I and others have done to my soul. I need to re-evaluate the role others have in my life and the expectations and hopes I have for them. And how I react if and/or when my personal projections are different than reality.
What I've realized more than anything is that I owe myself the respect of honoring myself. Whether that means taking a yoga class or admitting I need to work from home more than one day a week, or taking more walks around my island, has yet to be seen. But I know I need to disconnect and spend some more time teasing out the tangle of my thoughts and my feelings.
I don't want to run away. I don't want to disengage. I don't want to pretend that I have deep thoughts, a healthy perspective, or an introspective understanding. I want to live that truth. I've got a long way to go. But it's not an impossible path. Just one that takes commitment and belief.
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