I have a confession to make.
I am evil.
What makes me, veghead, kitty adorer, tree hugger, self-proclaimed Goddess-Universe-Energy lover, admit such a thing?
1. I have a "coffee" meeting in the morning. It's with a vendor/friend who is trying to get me to sign on for some "branding" work. It' s not a meeting I'm taking seriously but it's also not a meeting I've invited CBL to. I know she's curious. And so I honestly, seriously and diabolically thought about wearing a suit to work tomorrow. Just so CBL might maybe, just kindasorta, think I'd been on an interview.
2. On Sunday, in a moment of weakness, desperation, depression and overall stupidity, I called my parents looking for a little love and support. I asked them, apropos of nothing, to say an extra few prayers for me. They poo-poo'd me off and hung up, off to watch Jaws yet again in July 4th celebration. So, I'm contemplating not taking or returning any of their calls for at least a week. See how quickly their "poo poo" turns to worry. Just to see.
3. I have a temp in working for me. She's very nice. She's also very chatty. I get the feeling she's been unemployed too long and just not used to it. Which is great. But I AM FLAT OUT!!! I've worked at least 10 hours a day for two weeks. I have way too many irons in the fire and that's not even including the irons I'm choosing to ignore. But still, I am employed. And she is not. And she's older ... and lonely. Still, when she started chit-chatting with me tonight as I was - seriously - 10 minutes away from "leave or miss your train" point, I cut her off. "I'm really sorry, but I'm trying to seriously get out of here." The look on her face was devastating.
So, yes. I am evil. The first two make me grin mischeivously. The last one? Well, it just makes me feel really really bad.
PS - My train was 40 minutes late.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Things I Saw/Realized on my BIke Ride This Morning
Squirrel.
A Doe (a deer, a female deer).
A robin redbreast.
There are more old people than young people out in the morning. And they smile more.
Two lobster boats passing each other off Bearskin Neck.
Seeing the sun glisten on the still water is worth almost missing your train to work.
Gatorade is far too tamper-proof.
Having your chain seize in the middle of an uphill, major intersection is bad news.
Having a cop car parked there, trying to rescue a "damsel in distress" is worth countless bike mechanics classes.
Cars drive faster the later in the morning it gets.
Enjoy the sunshine because the thunderstorms roll in faster than a girl on a 12-speed.
A Doe (a deer, a female deer).
A robin redbreast.
There are more old people than young people out in the morning. And they smile more.
Two lobster boats passing each other off Bearskin Neck.
Seeing the sun glisten on the still water is worth almost missing your train to work.
Gatorade is far too tamper-proof.
Having your chain seize in the middle of an uphill, major intersection is bad news.
Having a cop car parked there, trying to rescue a "damsel in distress" is worth countless bike mechanics classes.
Cars drive faster the later in the morning it gets.
Enjoy the sunshine because the thunderstorms roll in faster than a girl on a 12-speed.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Poetic Reflection on Last Post
Venus Just Asked Me
Perhaps
For just one minute a day,
It might be of value to torture yourself
With thoughts like,
"I should be doing
A hell of a lot more with my life than I am
- Cause I'm so damned talented."
But remember:
For just one minute out of the day.
With all the rest of your time,
It would be best
To try
Looking upon your self more as God does.
For He knows
Your true nature.
God is never confused
And can see
Only Himself in you.
My dear,
Venus just leaned down and asked me
To tell you a secret, to confess
She's just a mirror who has been stealing
Your light and music for centuries.
She knows as does Hafiz,
You are the sole heir
to The King.
-Hafiz, Tonight the Subject is Love
Perhaps
For just one minute a day,
It might be of value to torture yourself
With thoughts like,
"I should be doing
A hell of a lot more with my life than I am
- Cause I'm so damned talented."
But remember:
For just one minute out of the day.
With all the rest of your time,
It would be best
To try
Looking upon your self more as God does.
For He knows
Your true nature.
God is never confused
And can see
Only Himself in you.
My dear,
Venus just leaned down and asked me
To tell you a secret, to confess
She's just a mirror who has been stealing
Your light and music for centuries.
She knows as does Hafiz,
You are the sole heir
to The King.
-Hafiz, Tonight the Subject is Love
Going Deep for Just a Moment
Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's all the incense and sage I've been burning. (My bedroom smells like a ganja factory. (We grow copious amounts of ganja here, and you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist. Sorry, I digress.) But anyway.
After last night's stress factory, I woke up with a start at 4 am. Terrible dreams filled with CBL, USB interfaces, misfired emails, collateral pieces that don't exist and budgets gone awry. Sure, I probably could have TRIED to go back to sleep, but let's be honest with ourselves...
Anyway, I made it up and in to the office. I made it through the day. I conspicously did NOT go into CBL's office until our 1:30 call with a colleague. And then I was conspicuously ... reserved. I wanted to shout at her, scream at her, tell her that she had no right to infringe on my life, on my psyche. But that's not how the good little employee acts. The good little employee smiles and nods. She does her work. She gets stuff done. She does not ask for recognition or reward. Stifling all this, I got through a three hour meeting. Stifling all this, I made it through the day. Until 5 pm. At which point I planned to head to yoga.
NOW - before you get mad at me for skipping yoga yet again for CBL, let me say I DID go to yoga. And it rocked my world. More in a moment. But first.
new
I stopped into her office to say goodbye. At which point I mentioned I was heading to a new-to-me yoga studio and did she want me to pick her up a schedule. After which brief conversation, I mentioned, hesitantly "And I think at some point I'd like to talk about the expectation of email responses on nights, weekends, vacations, you know..."
And we did. We talked about it. And it was awkward. She knew I was upset. But I wasn't giving in. I had a stand and I was taking it. Ms. Insecurity that she is, she stumbled all over herself. I wasn't that smooth myownself, veteran of confrontation that I am. But the conversation was had, a truce was called and I left for yoga.
And then, yoga. It was a Forrest class, a style I'm not usually fond of. Far too much ab work for my taste. It reminds me a little too much of those classes the hot young things take solely to look good in a bikini. Thanks but no thanks. But this one was different.
The instructor was amazing. She talked about going deep within to your core. She talked about staying with your feelings as they arose. She talked about how good people are at "faking it" - to themselves or others. Don't pretend you have an injury or weakness to take a modification because you're tired or weak. Don't come out of a pose and rub your wrist, ankle, knee because you were really about to fall. At the same time, if you have an injury. Listen to it. Don't fake that you're fine or you're strong because you want to push yourself.
Every moment and every sensation has something to teach you.
And that's when I had another one of my friggin A-ha moments. (God, I love yoga).
So often in my days, I pretend there's something wrong. I imagine myself tainted, shameful, needing to detox or cleanse or heal or harmonize or balance or ... on and on. And, here's the thing. I don't really need to do any of these things. I am perfect the exact and precise way I am. Every moment, every sensation, I'm learning something. When I'm happy or proud or accomplished, I should not hide these things. When I'm achy or sweaty or puffy, I should not hide these things.
Every moment the Universe brings to me (and you and you and mostly me and you) the exact lessons we need.
We just need to stop faking and start listening. We need to start owning our truths, using our voices, being open to exactly who we are.
After last night's stress factory, I woke up with a start at 4 am. Terrible dreams filled with CBL, USB interfaces, misfired emails, collateral pieces that don't exist and budgets gone awry. Sure, I probably could have TRIED to go back to sleep, but let's be honest with ourselves...
Anyway, I made it up and in to the office. I made it through the day. I conspicously did NOT go into CBL's office until our 1:30 call with a colleague. And then I was conspicuously ... reserved. I wanted to shout at her, scream at her, tell her that she had no right to infringe on my life, on my psyche. But that's not how the good little employee acts. The good little employee smiles and nods. She does her work. She gets stuff done. She does not ask for recognition or reward. Stifling all this, I got through a three hour meeting. Stifling all this, I made it through the day. Until 5 pm. At which point I planned to head to yoga.
NOW - before you get mad at me for skipping yoga yet again for CBL, let me say I DID go to yoga. And it rocked my world. More in a moment. But first.
new
I stopped into her office to say goodbye. At which point I mentioned I was heading to a new-to-me yoga studio and did she want me to pick her up a schedule. After which brief conversation, I mentioned, hesitantly "And I think at some point I'd like to talk about the expectation of email responses on nights, weekends, vacations, you know..."
And we did. We talked about it. And it was awkward. She knew I was upset. But I wasn't giving in. I had a stand and I was taking it. Ms. Insecurity that she is, she stumbled all over herself. I wasn't that smooth myownself, veteran of confrontation that I am. But the conversation was had, a truce was called and I left for yoga.
And then, yoga. It was a Forrest class, a style I'm not usually fond of. Far too much ab work for my taste. It reminds me a little too much of those classes the hot young things take solely to look good in a bikini. Thanks but no thanks. But this one was different.
The instructor was amazing. She talked about going deep within to your core. She talked about staying with your feelings as they arose. She talked about how good people are at "faking it" - to themselves or others. Don't pretend you have an injury or weakness to take a modification because you're tired or weak. Don't come out of a pose and rub your wrist, ankle, knee because you were really about to fall. At the same time, if you have an injury. Listen to it. Don't fake that you're fine or you're strong because you want to push yourself.
Every moment and every sensation has something to teach you.
And that's when I had another one of my friggin A-ha moments. (God, I love yoga).
So often in my days, I pretend there's something wrong. I imagine myself tainted, shameful, needing to detox or cleanse or heal or harmonize or balance or ... on and on. And, here's the thing. I don't really need to do any of these things. I am perfect the exact and precise way I am. Every moment, every sensation, I'm learning something. When I'm happy or proud or accomplished, I should not hide these things. When I'm achy or sweaty or puffy, I should not hide these things.
Every moment the Universe brings to me (and you and you and mostly me and you) the exact lessons we need.
We just need to stop faking and start listening. We need to start owning our truths, using our voices, being open to exactly who we are.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Channelling My Inner Elliot Garfield
One of my favorite all time quotes from one of my favorite all-time movies:
Elliot Garfield: OMmmmmmm
Paula McFadden: Is that it? Is that the last chorus?
Elliot Garfield: I am in a blissful state so don't bug me.
Paula McFadden: Is this going to be a regular routine? I mean, guitars at night. Humming in the morning. I've been in musicals that didn't have this much music.
Elliot Garfield: Miss McFadden, this morning I start rehearsals for my very first New York play. Probably the most important day of my life. Am I nervous? No, I am not nervous. Because I have meditated I am relaxed, I am calm, I am confident. You, on the other hand, have not meditated. Therefore you are a pain in the ass.
I quote this tonight, because, unfortunately, I have NOT meditated. I am NOT calm, not confident.
Someone earlier this weekend asked me, "When you get home at night, what do you do?" How sad is it that the answer to that question is often, "spend the night freaking out and screaming inside my head about CBL's email."
You see, when I'm telling CBL stories I mean them to be funny. They're amusing - to readers, to friends and, often, to me. But sometimes they're really not funny at all. Because, sometimes I don't have control of my life. She does.
Tonight, she was in all-out freak out mode. I can tell this by the way she structures her emails, the way she flurries multiple (like eight or ten) emails on one subject. The way she starts emails off with my name, like she's my mother scolding me as a toddler. "Miss Priz Mary Jane, do your homework right now!" She had a report to turn in, she's been "on vacation" for four days and she'd thought a database report I'd run on Friday contained the data she needed. Except she opened it at 7:15 and it wasn't in the format she needed. Hysteria ensued.
When she couldn't get ahold of me, she emailed just about every other person on my team. None of whom, by the way, have access to the data I do, since I am the only non-VP master user. I watched all of this happen, of course, via Blackberry, as my name got spammed around the Carbon Copy universe.
What is the right response in this situation? Do I just ignore her, stick my proverbial fingers in my ears and say, "na na na I can't heeeeear youuuuuuuu. It's past my bedtime"? Do I respond with my own flurry of emails, apologizing left right and center and proving myself to be the good little employee that I am? Do I hold my ground and respond and say "Now, CBL, relax. The report will get run in the morning and no one will die and no one will bleed out on the OR table"?
Yes, of course, that would be the centered, calm, meditative response.
I, on the other hand, spent two hours generating the report, screaming at the walls and generally getting my adrenaline and blood pressure up. It's now 10:30, my alarm goes at 5 am and I'm still hours away from relaxing enough to get a decent night's sleep.
Of course, there is ONE small thing that I am revelling in in the midst of all this chaos. It's childish, it's ridiculous, and GoodBuddy would yell at me and tell me I'm being an idiot. But that's not going to change it.
You see, CBL loves to labor under the impression that she and I have sooooo much in common. We're like so, totally, BFFs and so alike.
So, tomorrow, when she shows up to the office in her Ann Taylor suit and David Yurman jewelry, this is what I'll be wearing:
Elliot Garfield: OMmmmmmm
Paula McFadden: Is that it? Is that the last chorus?
Elliot Garfield: I am in a blissful state so don't bug me.
Paula McFadden: Is this going to be a regular routine? I mean, guitars at night. Humming in the morning. I've been in musicals that didn't have this much music.
Elliot Garfield: Miss McFadden, this morning I start rehearsals for my very first New York play. Probably the most important day of my life. Am I nervous? No, I am not nervous. Because I have meditated I am relaxed, I am calm, I am confident. You, on the other hand, have not meditated. Therefore you are a pain in the ass.
I quote this tonight, because, unfortunately, I have NOT meditated. I am NOT calm, not confident.
Someone earlier this weekend asked me, "When you get home at night, what do you do?" How sad is it that the answer to that question is often, "spend the night freaking out and screaming inside my head about CBL's email."
You see, when I'm telling CBL stories I mean them to be funny. They're amusing - to readers, to friends and, often, to me. But sometimes they're really not funny at all. Because, sometimes I don't have control of my life. She does.
Tonight, she was in all-out freak out mode. I can tell this by the way she structures her emails, the way she flurries multiple (like eight or ten) emails on one subject. The way she starts emails off with my name, like she's my mother scolding me as a toddler. "Miss Priz Mary Jane, do your homework right now!" She had a report to turn in, she's been "on vacation" for four days and she'd thought a database report I'd run on Friday contained the data she needed. Except she opened it at 7:15 and it wasn't in the format she needed. Hysteria ensued.
When she couldn't get ahold of me, she emailed just about every other person on my team. None of whom, by the way, have access to the data I do, since I am the only non-VP master user. I watched all of this happen, of course, via Blackberry, as my name got spammed around the Carbon Copy universe.
What is the right response in this situation? Do I just ignore her, stick my proverbial fingers in my ears and say, "na na na I can't heeeeear youuuuuuuu. It's past my bedtime"? Do I respond with my own flurry of emails, apologizing left right and center and proving myself to be the good little employee that I am? Do I hold my ground and respond and say "Now, CBL, relax. The report will get run in the morning and no one will die and no one will bleed out on the OR table"?
Yes, of course, that would be the centered, calm, meditative response.
I, on the other hand, spent two hours generating the report, screaming at the walls and generally getting my adrenaline and blood pressure up. It's now 10:30, my alarm goes at 5 am and I'm still hours away from relaxing enough to get a decent night's sleep.
Of course, there is ONE small thing that I am revelling in in the midst of all this chaos. It's childish, it's ridiculous, and GoodBuddy would yell at me and tell me I'm being an idiot. But that's not going to change it.
You see, CBL loves to labor under the impression that she and I have sooooo much in common. We're like so, totally, BFFs and so alike.
So, tomorrow, when she shows up to the office in her Ann Taylor suit and David Yurman jewelry, this is what I'll be wearing:
- Purple pants with brightly colored yoga sutras embroidered on them
- Purple toenail polish
- A henna tattoo snaking (literally) around my upper arm
Maybe, just maybe, with all that outward expression of my inner self, I can actually find some inner self to center my universe around. Maybe.
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