Kalesy and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

Now, first things first. I woke up on time feeling good and not already exhausted. So it should have been a good day.

My hot water was out. I knew this was a theoretical possibility because my landlord rang my doorbell at 10:30 last night to tell me my oil tank was on empty. But I thought it must be like the tank of a car, right? It says empty, but you've got at least 2 or 10 mile left. Right? Wrong.

I got to work and openend my email to a complete and total shit storm. The graphic designs that I'd been waiting for came in and were completely underwhelming. I'm a week and a day from a major deadline and I've got crap designs. And, since I know absolutely nothing about graphics software, what am I to do?

Napoloean - who only two days ago read me the riot act about how writing a brochure should be my one, only, and most important priority - emails me about five or six other projects. Because, really, coffee table books are going to be the major differentiator in multi-million dollar enterprise deals. Seriously.

The oil company had to actually come inside to reset my heater. So someone had to be here. And because I took Monday afternoon off, I knew if I tried to get today off too - or even work from home -- I'd get grilled because Napolean is paranoid. Of course, he should be because I AM interviewing.

(Note: I haven't heard back from the company I met with on Monday. Bastards.)

So I couldn't take time off so poor Mr. Zips had to leave work early and wait here. And the damn oil company didn't come until 5:45. Bastards.

The good things that happened today: I had an awesome workout. Primarily because Mr. Zips told me to forget coming home early and to do my kickboxing double. And, I once more realized how amazing and awesome Mr. Zips is. Who else would sit in an empty, cold apartment for five hours waiting for a damn oil tank fillup? He rocks.

The Amazing H Hour

Mr. Zips and I caught the opening montage of CSI: Miami last night. He'd never seen it before.

If you've never witnessed our Savior Horatio Caine at work, I offer this beauty.

I know I'm a little out of date in posting this, but the seven minutes of hilarity is well worth it.

Trust me, Frank. (Put on sunglasses.) You might think it's late, but the laughter is (look directly at the camera) right on time. (Exit stage left!)

One More Thing

While we were all sharing, Deb pointed out something interesting. Each of us, after rattling off why we were (fill in the blank) ended with saying, "And I'm just really glad to be here." Or the like. Now, those of you who have been to these types of things know that that is a pretty much required statement. But each of us - I honestly think - meant it.

And it started me thinking. I used to be the kind of person that made up an excuse. I can't possibly make it to my herbalism class today. I'm too -- tired, sad, hungover, sore, sick. I can't go out tonight because I've got to ....... You get the idea.

I made it through the entire immersion, no excuses, no second thoughts.

Oh my heavens -- I'm evolving!

Sorry and Glad Together

(extra points if you can name the band who sang the title song...)

So this weekend - the culmination of our Anusara Immersion 1 - ended with the doors of my mind being blown off. When Deb talked about being lit up w/ the radiance of Shakti, she wasn't kidding. While I fully expect every day life to creep back into my brain, I still feel moderately justified in warning you of long, introspective posts in the next few days.

This weekend was a strange one. Yesterday found many of us exhausted for various reasons and emotionally drained as, almost every one of us to a person, seemed to be standing at some personal crossroads or precipice. Some of us had looked and jumped, others were gathering up the courage to jump, still others had turned away - not yet, not now.

I understand these crossroads. I've walked through a couple of them. Some (divorce) for the better, some (Hiroshi) for the worse. These crossroads are often painful and difficult (witness all the tears yesterday) but they are always worthwhile. For, if nothing else, they teach us invaluable lessons about ourselves.

And, while practicing today, I came to realize that much of my difficulty these last few days/months/etc. has been because I historically don't like to remember myself before these crossroads. I tend to look forward and not look back.

We all know that cliche about history, right?

To wit: I have this odd memory of being a kid - 10, 12 maybe - and looking through my "baby book" - that scrapbook my mom kept in her drawer until it was overstuffed with useless things like play programs or certificates of achievement. There was a picture in there of summer camp. I liked summer camp. I cannot honestly remember a single thing that happened at summer camp that would have troubled me. But I do remember crying -- really really crying -- at the end of summer camp, when it came time to float our Memory Candles on the lake and sing "On My Honor." And then, I got home, and I never - NEVER - wanted to look at that picture of Camp Mosey Wood - all those girls, suntanned and grinning with missing teeth. Now, the writer in me wants there to be some hidden reason - a counselor who took criminal liberties with young bodies, or a traumatic turf fight with another camper resulting in self-esteem loss. But, the truth is, camp made me feel a lot - I missed mom and dad but also kinda liked not being home. I liked my new friends but wouldn't ever see them again. It was scary, exciting, adventurous, thrilling, joyous, and sad. And, it's a lot easier to deal with all those emotions by not looking at them - at the picture that captures them - than it is to, say, feel them.

It hit me like this. We were catching up as a group on Saturday a.m. And it was my turn. And I was explaining my new living situation and the difficulty it presents. "He's got four sisters and is close to his mom. And they're all into sharing their feelings. And I'm not so much with the sharing of the feelings."

Hell. I'm not so much with the feeling of the feelings.

Thus, today, while running us through the most exhausting 3 hours of asana I've ever lived through, Deb practically challenged me to start feeling.

Because it's only when we reveal our hearts - to ourselves and to the world - can we really become to embrace and embody the beings we're meant to be.

It's a pretty lofty goal. It's gonna take a whole lot of work. And it probably won't be pretty.

I wonder - am I up to the challenge?

Just When You Need It

I need to say that today, after whining for a week about my lack of friends who understand, I got the sweetest email. Another one of my friends sent me a note today basically saying that she was there for me if I needed it and that she loved me. I love her too. Because I really needed to hear that.